I am a paradox

Paradox
Noun  
par·a·dox \ˈper-ə-ˌdäks, ˈpa-rə-\
                 -One (as a person, situation, or action) having seemingly contradictory qualities or phases

I as a person claim to desire physical contact and love
But as soon as I obtain these my skin crawls and my heart clenches and I am filled with an overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety

While I have a crushing, nearly debilitating fear of public speaking, I can stand on a stage and sing or act before billions of people.

Constantly I wish to share my whole life with others
While simultaneously coveting secrecy and hiding my burdens and fears and flaws from those who could heal and help and dissuade

Paradox
Noun  
par·a·dox \ˈper-ə-ˌdäks, ˈpa-rə-\
something (such as a situation) that is made up of two opposite things and that seems impossible but is actually true or possible

I am a paradox
And its hard for even me to makes sense of myself