Dear doctor, your goodbye

I am prescribed
to watch you
Perfidious dying star
Whose brilliant life
Dilated my eyes
A drug of promise
A Light on black water
I've been treading
And will tread
And will tread

Already nova
You disintegrate
Protracted
Yet instantaneously
Even as you sit so still
Composed while decomposing
Impossibly looking and
Not looking at me
Your disappearance is blinding
And massive
A denied inevitability
that quietly explodes me
Your nothingness
Crashes over me in waves
As I roll without direction beneath
Where the bottom used to be

Watch how easy it is
For you to take me apart
With your words
See my soft pieces writhe
mute on the floor
Disassembled
By a sentence
Betrayed by your mouth
Only my thoughts remain
Swimming aimlessly
Toward what is gone
Wanting to be known
Knowing they are hopeless
As cries underwater

tears on skin
Will evaporate
instantly
you will forget
their tiny sacrifices
Hundreds of brief lives
lived only
in your name
Hundreds of deaths for you
Miniature castaways
Of me
crying a siren's song
Sinking me further
Because it is my nature to
Give pieces of myself away
Trying to become complete
Until suddenly
I am gone entirely
Wanting to take you with me
Between the two of us
Someone is accidentally
A natural born killer

In the wake of
silent violence this
professional abandoning
is the collapse of gravity
of what I know
you know you mean to me
and then
you promise to never
ever
be my friend and
you will make sure
I will never ever
see you again
Subzero affect
forever treacherous end
this is the part when
i turn inside out
and self destruct in front of you
Spectacularly
as you watch  --  help-less-ly
Intentionally not saving me
Because what you do for a living
is killing me

I will tire of treading water
Because everybody drifts away
And I am so heavy
And broken
built to drown
And your goodbye
is the fullest
Of endings
Pulling me down