I’d always
sit in your passenger seat
even though I knew
you’d push me to the back
where we’d have more room
I’d always
reach for your hair
even though I knew
you’d push my hand away
as if me tugging on it
would also tug on your heart strings
and emotional attachment
was as unfamiliar to you
as the rain is to California
all the things you’d whisper
to me on the phone
got lost in the receiver when
you'd look at me in person
like I was a language
you didn’t understand
and no matter how long you looked
and squinted
and read over me
you still couldn’t decipher who I was
your incessant rage
was a constant battle
I spoke more to your demons
than I did to you
to you, I was nothing more
than a band-aid
that covered your open wounds
but could never heal them
I let you use me
as your safety blanket
because I knew how it felt
for the bed to be cold
after your lover left the other side
the dream catcher
at the top of my bed
shook so much that
all my dreams fell out
every day you made me feel
like I just found out
my favorite show had been cancelled
over and over again
yet I still suffocated you
with attention
did you ever choke
on all the empty promises
you swore to me?
after I choked on you?
and you tried to
cover your tracks
after you walked
all over me
but I never forgot
those three words
you said to me that night
“Don’t tell anyone.”
when we were done
your silence told me to leave
you had the decency
to take me home
because you knew it’d be littering
if you just threw a piece of trash
out on the side of the road
every lingering look at my cell phone
is a desperate plea for your call
and the ghost of your voice
only exists in my memory
because that’s the only place
I can ever
find you anymore
why do I still crave
something so toxic
something that could **** me
is it because I want to die?
or is it because your fatality
reminds me that
I’m still alive?