Flipping through the pages, writing, notes
Of to do, did, marked through
I reaccessed and remind myself with notes and lights
How and where I've been
Blown away by the so little time to recoop, rewind
I remark out loud, my own best friend
"Its no wonder! Its no wonder."

Getting and eating up affection
I think, contemplate
Oh this really is just perfect for right now
I stood in the dark of the artistic basement
Before we were sweaty bodies pulsing
And it was you and your leather jacket
Dark face, dark eyes
I could see you walking towards me in the room
The only lit up thing
I gotta admit
That I've seen in a long time
And you weren't there
You weren't physically there
But my phone hums and buzzes
Lil kitty cat.

I don't know what it means
I don't know what it is
You've got another in a different country
I felt so hindered by it
But as I receive 5 page long novel text messages
From a man I politely told
I said
I wanna say
She's just not that into you.
This fits and is just right
I think?

Ahhhhhh.
Its whatever.
**** it.

Going on 21 days as of tomorrow
Like a fast or a cleanse
I consider my options at times
But the desire, the need
Lessens and lessens
To reach back out for poison.

I realized today
In receiving words from a connection here
Or how ill mannered one of the hostesses is
That city livin' city lovin, so single, so free
Or even ******' taken
Errybody lookin' out for themselves
Its no wonder, its no wonder
I throw myself 21 different bones.

I wanted it to be such a peaceful exciting vacation
But I surrendered to my own *****
Woke up barely even knowing my name
I laid on the floor of a girlfriends shower
Let the water rain down, baptize me
Full circle but everything different
Full circle of everythings different
What will you think when the day arrives
That you first gazed at me longingly, with intrigue
Across the room

As vibrations and my phone beats loud
"I find someone new"
But I don't search, I don't hunt
Wolf wanted to eat me alive again tonight
But I soak in, eat up
My own me time
It fits just right
What a beautiful step forward
Regardless of perfection
I throw myself 21 bones

Not because I'm the worst
Or because I take people for granted
Or because I forgot how to forget
Dancing with ultimate freedom
Until I no longer knew the place I once would reside
Lets lay in bathtubs, photograph moments
Laugh into the sunshine, sleep on clouds, 19 again

I looked at the faces of so many women today
And I thought, I just thought
All of the molds, the folds, the ripples
Lashes, lipsticks, eyes glowing
I glance at my tired face in the mirror
I look so little and so much like my mother
Grandmother
Father
Brothers
But really, really
I'm just me.

Effervescent, healing
Beautiful.

Me.