For a long time after, I hated you
I avoided saying your name or thinking about you
I pretended that what had happened wasn’t real
Or that my feelings were just blown out of proportion
Or that I didn’t exist

And then
One night
I reached
Across
My bed
For you
And you weren’t there
And I only hated that you weren’t there

I cried because I didn’t want to want you there
And I don’t want to need you
But every day I’m struggling to keep you out of mind
And I try so hard to keep on hating you
But I don’t, I don’t have the energy to hate you

Instead, now, I miss you
And instead, I hate myself for missing you