No no no no no no no nononononoNONO
NONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOOOO
This is not...
You are not...
I did not...
Why is this... ?
How did I get...?

malfunction

againagainagainagain
since so so so far far far back back back when
confusionNOchaos
inside me
(Hyperventilating)
in the air around me between you and me in the place where we live
(Eyes shut tight/mute cry)
cant be there
where there is nowhere to hide
and the floor is hard
I can't not breathe quietly enough
to escape your mismatched feelings
I try to be small enough
like a flat dying cat under the couch
fearing what is next
what kind of horror will find me
in my own house

suddenly I am totally unsure of my
surroundings
I feel only my hot quick breath
close around me
a suffocating security blanket
two hands a mask
with no eye-holes

this must be some kind of sickness
I do not feel well or right or like I
usually feel
and there is the sound of monsters
I would rather not have this experience
of panic pain
imminent calamity
****** escape is not an option

mercy slams my body
familiar strange stiffness
euthanization dissociation
safety dissintegrates me into an illusion
making me invisible
just before the end
begins again
my repepeating oblivion