If I compiled a pile or list of
All the painted skeletons
Of yesterday, 7 years ago
It would look just like a
Heap of
Me.

So many ***** in the air
A man at a festival meeting comments
My gold nail polish looks ******* stupid
I think sometimes I am just the worst
Just the worst.

Standing in front of vats of permeating grilled carnage
I serve and I serve, but its never enough
Its never enough
Glutten on a broomstick
I gaze out at the windows teasing me
But the gloom like the X-acto knife I wrote
And carved just how I felt
My room mate and I both wear sadness today we say.

The women around me also all seem to be in a fuss
I pondered the shadowed moon last night
Looking for answers, solutions
The signal on my cell phone to my mother
Holds strong underground
I stick up for you, I still stick up for you.

A frenzy of beautiful moments
I replayed and watched them all in my head
My hands and body intertwined with grease
Just how you look down at me
As your body and my body
Long and search for the answers.

Hearing nothing but poetic phrases
Wishing my mind could record just like
Ink on parchment
My God, I do wish I had it all figured out
As unrealistic as that all may be.

Snap chatting singular moments
I grapple with money signs flashing across my face
Mama and Papa are just so glad, so glad they say
I don't do that dancin' game
To get by.

So insanely busy, we pontificate our schedules
As if butterflies and the fact I almost just deleted this
Entire poem by accident
Mattered at all.

"MY woman" A male friend of mine corrected me
But I only jested
I only spoke in jest
I'm the jester, I'm the self destructive clown
The beautifully tragic clown
With the crooked sly grin
Turning and covered in chicken grease.

I'm not ******* special
I'm not special that I hustle and work those day jobs
I'm not ******* special
I tell myself to get through mornings
Tag teaming and gang ******
Just how I lessen myself every time I look for
Validation.

Remember how you use to respond to me in poetry?
I cannot tell you how much I miss those days
It was the only thing that ever made any
Any ******* sense to me
I still pine and yearn for those times
When I felt like the ball had been bounced back to me
In such an unexpected way
But you, you went away so far
You buried your heart in the dirt
But they aren't because of issues you say.

I'm not angry, I'm not hurt
You have been so good, so sweet this past week
It just took, it took me once again
I turned to you on the street
My hair whispering in the wind
You grabbed me and held me
Like a sea otter would
My tentacles and tendrils mystifying you
But you stopped splashing the water back
Though sometimes in those singular moments
I catch you contemplating the pitter patter and swirls
Of the ocean around us we wish we had answers to.

Betrayer is moving away from NYC
"Seems so"
He said to me
He use to tie up my wrists so well
Comparing me to ****** and trinkets in the street
I don't know that we will ever see each other again.

My poems have been getting longer and longer
You comment, but I know that sentence is so much more loaded
I gotta go be a person, I gotta go do
I gotta stop getting in my own way
And I am so, so very relieved
That we are good
Lets please stay good.

Your eyes looking down at me
As your skin and moments we treasure
When we make love,
Everything else around us washes away
Engulfed in our elaborate unity
If only we could hold and treasure it
Here, here
Here here
Here, here
Hear
Her.