Dear Alex,
I awoke into this world with a broken heart, that's the problem. Not you. I won't ever remember  a day before because I've always been like this. Not fragile, just broken. I was okay with just ******* you but I won't ever be able to handle your feelings on top of mine. For the first night ever, I slept at a guy's house, didn't **** him, let him cuddle me even when I was sober, even when my skin felt like it was on fire, spent the day with him and listened to his thoughts and it made me want to cry or puke or cut myself straight down the middle and pull out my soul and replace it with someone else. Someone better. Someone more human. But instead I laid there curled into you and tried not to cry because you needed it from me. But I could already feel it. I could already feel myself sinking away from you. And my head. Oh my beautiful head. It kept telling me, "Don't do this don't do this don't do this." But my heart. My nasty heart. It kept humming, "To who?" Very still. Very still. But then you started tracing your fingers down my skin and it started to feel like it was crawling away from me. From you. And so I told my heart and head, "it's already done." And I left. And when you kept calling and texting and asking me I was ok because you cared, I threw my phone at the wall in front of me after sending "I am toxic." I can't handle your care. It's a bit ****** for me to say but I can't handle anyone's care. And **** I miss you. I miss getting so high with you that my head felt heavy but after I left you, I spent three days in the fetal position under a pink blanket trying not to cry. You took all of me that night. And you didn't even do anything. You were just there. Please don't hate me but dear god please don't love me either.