Fulfillment.
Wholeness.
Independence.
Self ownership.
Self love.

All entities I was not taught the significance of
Mama and Papa painted me up pretty
Little lace, pink bows
But I preferred to film and rip all the clothes off--
My barbie dolls, room covered in trophies
Brothers make me so masculine at times
Mixed with that feathered softness, curling lipstick
Discovering myself and the world around me through
Pinecones, vine leaves, and mossy branches
Hanging and dangling in my face
Like new cold January days
So easy to get caught up in him or him or him
Or the past, the past, the past
Or replaying and indicating what this person said
Or that
But as each moment occurs and then passes
Onto the next moment--
I ground myself, my pointed feet feeling the earth.

Words have come out of my mouth recently
Where I ponder my coherence
Maybe its the newness of it all, the leadership
Driving, being the first to jump in
And trusting that so many are there to hold my hand
To just BURST into the water
Like a canon ball on fire
Soaking in whatever the water has to offer.

I know you are one of those people
I think you are one of those people
You want to be one of those people.

But you.
You, in your little black bowler hat
You looked like A Christmas Carol
Or Halloween on ice
Or just like I couldn't stop running my fingers through my hair
Shaking my head side to side
Using what you
What I
What is no longer a "We"
Wanted our love to be
As you left me at the bar
Carrying shots away
But none for me.

But its so intoxicating
It feels so good when we trap ourselves
In a warm winter cocoon
"One of our bed days"
You say in a hang over//bend me right on over the bed--
Video to me
Relieved to see your face, its all good
Its always gonna be all good
Because you aren't going anywhere
In this fever dream that began circa May 2015.

And I see that. And I know it.
And sometimes I want to run away from it
Those branches whispering and cutting my frame, my face
The lens that makes up my pink little lips
That you so love to kiss, lick
As other men appear from corners and crevices
You dance away
Like you always did
Like you always will do.

We gaze at paintings,
Avoid nestling and necking
Drawn to the female form or gore
My eye catches those first
But you like all the colors
The landscapes, the ships
We flow through different rooms
Spotting your plaid shirt across from me
You seemed to always find me
After I would wander off into my own place
But we leave and go opposite ways.
Admiring our own desires, our own wants, needs
As I read and photograph as many
Artists names as I can
In the crook of my mind
Little black dress looks better over my head
You call me baby as if piercing my mind
With the sword of your tongue.

It makes it easier
When you hurt me, shut me out
Trusting loved ones cuddling my shoulders,
Reassuring me of the wrongness
Those words they speak appearing like little lego blocks
Over my skull and then only to disappear
Sometimes I so deeply wish to discover contentment.
Romantic fulfillment?
But you catch my eye from one of those corners
As I choose to look the other way.
Waking up crying, gotta put on a brave face
I use it and I release it
Like torched flames fresh from the tendrils of my mane
You write poems in the crook of my neck
But you never use any ink.

You prefer to not respond sometimes I think
Always working, pouring potions
And I think to myself, how did this poem
How did these words
How did this moment, turn into another piece
About you.
I feel you go past me
As you jest, taunt, but because you really do love so much
As you mark out the pages of the book
You told me you would buy.

I just wanna have a good time.
As you lean over, ya wanna make up
Reaching for me, but only in moments--

But.
I buy, toast, and chug my own shot down.