You looked at me

With this soft smile,

These eyes

That seemed to grasp me.

And it hurts.

I couldn’t see the reflection

Or the reality

Of what you seem to perceive

All I could see was a rerun

Of their conceptions of me

Of every rough grab at my body

Of every cold tongue that slides between my lips

Of every *******

That I asked for

But felt solely like a violation…

I pull this smile across my face and look at you

I know you

This you

Every you

And it hurts.

I can’t see this girl

Or woman

You see

Who looks so beautiful

And is so interesting that

You are intoxicated.

I can only see the fear.

My fear of being touched

By someone I care for

Only being able to pray it is for real

Because betrayal by you would push

Too deep

Because they have gone

Too deep

And I can only feel their breath

And sloppy kisses

And hard genitals

Pressed against me

Until the meaning is gone

All it has become is a warm body part

That wants to be in me

*** on me

Walk out the door and leave me.

I look at you

And you look at me

I speak choked

Chuckle covered words

And you just smile

Why are you smiling…

And you kiss my forehead

This same forehead

That has been pressed against the bed

While I am taken from behind

Back arched in burden

Head down by a hand

Whose hand it doesn’t matter

They are all the same

Just coarse fingertips

Fingerprints that I try to wash off in the shower

But all I get is another layer of my skin

Hoping

That maybe I am not bruised underneath

But I know I am.

Your arm is around me

This protecting bar

That holds me close

To a warm body that doesn’t merely want to **** me.

I look at your chest

It rises and falls

Fabric pulling

So real

And I place my hand against your chest

And I feel your heart

And I see your smile

And it hurts

To feel so safe.