When it hurts i stop for a bit. two bits. or three until it's pretty okay, at least until the peristaltis calms down a little so i can continue stuffing my mouth with garbage. they say mouth is hungrier than stomach, but i don't even know when my stomach is empty or full or numb or is it just because she's no longer here? has she left my body without me knowing? is it why my chest keeps hurting instead of this round belly?

When it hurts i think that's when it's okay to cry. but everytime i cry it stops because nothing in this world is free anymore, everything has a price and i keep feeling confused for what i have to choose. if i got to choose you know what i would, even though i don't, even though it's so last year, you know, last year i finally determined my choice but deep down i was still confused, and now i am too afraid to go even once more to the depth. if i got to choose, first i'd like to choose an answer to do i really have rights over my own body?

No. no, i don't. for my entire life i've been choosing no as the answer. and pleasant surprise for you, that's what's keeping me alive.