Nov 2015
It creeps in like a cold sweat as if its a snake coiling around its prey suffocating the very last breath ill ever breathe. This will be my last goodbye. It runs through my veins like ***** and a chaser the only side effect is a few more scars. Its my invisible friend who i just cant seem to outgrow. Years of therapy a bottle of medication. Trying to find my remedy to cure this crippling sadness. The vines webbed with thorns wrap around my body making me bleed. I am no knight, i have no sword of courage no armour of love. I am just that scrawny unwanted boy no one even thinks twice about.
12a.m. i know i should be asleep by now but the hours ahead i know all too well how they play out. Talk on the phone for an hour and 20 minutes he will fall asleep and i will still be wide awake.
1a.m. hang up the call, worry that im a nuisance scroll through music selection. Read a bunch of quotes that somehow always relate to me.
1:30 a.m. beg myself to just fall asleep if i dont fall asleep the monsters i use to always think were under my bed that are really in my head come out to play. Its like i am the westerner that brought a balloon to a gun fight. Funny yet somehow that is the definition of my life, always unprepared.
2:15 a.m. sleep drenches my body like the sun lights up the sky, hopeful ill be able to sleep through the night, listen to calming music that makes my eyes droop and heart feel happy sleep has arrived
2:35 a.m. still awake but tired shut my eyes as if there are ten pound weights on each no longer able to keep them open. So happy i got through the night with no unhappy thoughts or breakdowns. Sleep...that is where i will escape my depression.
2:59 a.m. wake up depression is calling you to wake up like a crying newborn that just needs its mothers touch. I wish it was that simple. If a caring hand would hold onto me as i fall asleep reassuring me they will never leave. The thoughts rush into me, making me hit the floor crying out for god to make it stop.
3:10a.m. text him, hes awake and he makes things feel okay. Worry fills you as he tells you something. He tells you hes okay now. Let out the breath you have been holding this whole time. He goes to bed. You know you should too but now your depression and all the little demons living inside your bones, inside the very heart that keeps you alive, comes out to make you feel like dying.
4:00a.m. you realize you have six hours left to sleep. But your mind wont turn off and you just need someone anyone. Its as if you are on a ship out to see and you can no longer keep afloat, the water starts fillig rapidly as you see your life flash before your very eyes. Sleep. You just want to sleep to escape this mess.
4:06a.m. *i have given up the fight for everything. My body will be but a robots. There is no use. It is over. The fight is over and i have lost
12a.m. i know i should be asleep by now but the hours ahead i know all too well how they play out. Talk on the phone for an hour and 20 minutes he will fall asleep and i will still be wide awake.
1a.m. hang up the call, worry that im a nuisance scroll through music selection. Read a bunch of quotes that somehow always relate to me.
1:30 a.m. beg myself to just fall asleep if i dont fall asleep the monsters i use to always think were under my bed that are really in my head come out to play. Its like i am the westerner that brought a balloon to a gun fight. Funny yet somehow that is the definition of my life, always unprepared.
2:15 a.m. sleep drenches my body like the sun lights up the sky, hopeful ill be able to sleep through the night, listen to calming music that makes my eyes droop and heart feel happy sleep has arrived
2:35 a.m. still awake but tired shut my eyes as if there are ten pound weights on each no longer able to keep them open. So happy i got through the night with no unhappy thoughts or breakdowns. Sleep...that is where i will escape my depression.
2:59 a.m. wake up depression is calling you to wake up like a crying newborn that just needs its mothers touch. I wish it was that simple. If a caring hand would hold onto me as i fall asleep reassuring me they will never leave. The thoughts rush into me, making me hit the floor crying out for god to make it stop.
3:10a.m. text him, hes awake and he makes things feel okay. Worry fills you as he tells you something. He tells you hes okay now. Let out the breath you have been holding this whole time. He goes to bed. You know you should too but now your depression and all the little demons living inside your bones, inside the very heart that keeps you alive, comes out to make you feel like dying.
4:00a.m. you realize you have six hours left to sleep. But your mind wont turn off and you just need someone anyone. Its as if you are on a ship out to see and you can no longer keep afloat, the water starts fillig rapidly as you see your life flash before your very eyes. Sleep. You just want to sleep to escape this mess.
4:06a.m. *i have given up the fight for everything. My body will be but a robots. There is no use. It is over. The fight is over and i have lost
