The hamster walked alone broken hurt and on the verge of ending it all.
The streets of Hello were empty as the head of the arsehole who created it .
He just couldn't take it anymore school was driving him nuts his family were insane and there had to be more to life than sitting in his room on weekends listening to shitty music writing angst driven poetry and masturbating to internet porn.
Anymore viruses and his computer was going to be more infected than Katy Perry's rancid crouch .
All hope was lost when he saw it in the parking lot a van with the words M.R Gonzo's advice and free clinic walk-ins and homeless nymphos welcome .
It sort of looked like a old bookmobile and smelled like a whorehouse or something that had died in a whorehouse .
The young misguided hamster figured what the fuck did he have to lose so he knocked on the door .
It swung open as a cloud of smoke poured out the door it looked like a scene from towering inferno or Willie Nelsons tour bus .
After hacking up half a lung and getting a contact high a face of true poetic brilliance emerged from haze of smoke .
And the young hamster was looking straight at the one the only the often perverted cult leader of Hello Gonzo.
Hey there amigo fuck bud you don't know how glad I am to see you come the fuck in .
Saying the that the living legend Of Hello grabbed his school book and vanished into smoky hollow .
The kid sat there awhile not knowing if he should run or follow this nut job .
Well that is until a hand reached through the fog and pulled him in.
What the fuck kid your wasting a great buzz you know how long it took me to get this bake going in here have a fucking seat.
The inside of the place looked like some cross between a Pub and a bad seventies porn minus the ugly chicks with cracked out faces and Chewbacca between there legs .
Ummm maybe I should leave .
The kid said scared of this scene and the mad hatter of a person sitting with a stiff drink in hand a umm well lets just say a herbal cigar in the other .
Bud you need to relax I tell ya I got the munchies from hell .
With that said he took a bite out of the text book.
Jesus Christ this shit tastes more and more like cardboard dude I aint paying for this fucker .
Umm I'm not a pizza delivery guy and that's my math book asshole .
Yeah of course I knew that im just fucking with you sparky .
Okay man fifty bucks .
What?
The young hamster was convinced this guy was totally insane .
Fifty buck's for what ?
Duh Fifty for the weed dumbass what you really think anyone would come here for fucking life advice from me?
I mean sure I'm fucking awesome as fuck I do great drugs I drink more than a fish and chicks dig me I mean sure you don't see any around that's just cause there on a break man I'm kind of finding myself .
You know just me my drugs and the wilderness .
Okay that explains why this place looks like you live in it there's a stack of porn movies that looks like you raided a wharehouse and your parked in a vacant lot in the city.
Yeah well least Im not some kid selling terrible pizza's that taste like paper oh yeah your late bud so this ones on the house .
I'm not a pizza boy you crazy old bastard !
Taking a long pause the artist formerly known as Gonzo was dead silent .
You have a point pizza boy who am I kidding I live in a kickass converted bookmobile where I basically sell dope to little shits looking to get high and hopefully get to see some boobies in between
and you my wise public servant of terrible tasting pizza are yet living a existence of misery selling shit for us stoners to stuff are wasted faces with.
Dude are you fucking nuts I'm not a pizza delivery boy I'm just a young writer looking for advice .
The young hamster went into his whole tale woe how nobody liked him and he was being picked on by asshole jocks who seven years from now would working the same dead end job as himself jerking off to old game video's well the ones that didn't make it to the NFL and had super model whores blowing them while they watched old game videos that is .
He rambled on as the wise slightly stoned and definitely drunk wizard of Gonz pretending to care and listen much like he did to chicks he was trying to get lucky with.
You know Gonzo your really fucking weird but man I feel better .
I bet you were once just like me a outcast loser wimp who was deeply sensitive and yearned for the love of another.
He just stayed silent sitting across from the table a wise man hidden behind dark glasses and madness .
So what do I owe you man ?
Umm Gonzo man are you lost in thought or something ?
The young dork had just bared his angst ridden soul and now he thought to himself shit man I think it was to much for him no wonder he's gone insane from listening to my bullshit .
It felt like a hour as he kept trying to get the poet known as Gonzo to respond .
He was about to get off his arse and shake him when a noise more fowl than Justin Biebers voice broke the silence .
It was the biggest and longest fart he had ever herd and smelled almost as bad as gonzo's demented long winded jokes .
Finally he showed signs of life oh dude I forgot to tip you so sorry shit I had the best sleep of my life your better than listening to the newest Taylor Swift cd hell I was like in a coma dam did you shit in here I swear you kids and your silly pranks it's okay kid I swiped your wallet.
You wont believe the shit I can pull when your asleep.
So you mean this whole time I been spilling my heart out to you thinking we were really becoming friends you were fucking asleep!?
Like a drunken baby after a good binge in the trailer park amigo .
Fuck this !!
With that the young miserable moody ass teen hamster was gone and again gonzo was left to his thoughts to reflect on maybe he should have.
Aww fuck that shit he said and cracked another fifth of bourbon and turned on some first class smut I'm talking bout the evening news hamsters get your minds out of the gutter.
Sure life can be total shit look at mine it's like a landfill of fucking crap.
But instead of being emotional pussy.
I do what any grown man who lives a mobile bar does .
Drink my liver silly and party my arse off writing shitty misspelled things to make people laugh and get hamsters to show me there boobies duh I'm just like Shakespeare minus the talent and funny dungeons and dragons voice .
Until next time kids stay crazy.
Gonz