sunlight streams effortlessly through my window,
the dust and dead skin
floats through the air
creating that ray of light
that we all found to be beautiful,
as kids.
I sit staring,
contemplating
what I can say to take it back
a small part of me hopes you never read this
simply because I want to stay true to my word,
however, a larger
more powerful part of me
is ripping through my head and body, like stars that's got too close to each other
their gravitates and planets collide making a mess of galactic size.
I've eaten once
since I stepped away to try,
To try make my feelings die.
Not by choice
anytime I try and eat I throw up,
then cry
then throw up.
Only once could I keep it down.
I know how I used to be.
I used to hate the thought of being lonely,
now I know,
I know that I have changed
that I'm in love with you.
I don't just miss holding someone,
I miss holding you.
I miss the way your hair smelled
like waffle cones, ice cream and sweat
on the days you worked.
I also miss the days
when I would silently
try and guess what shampoo you used.
I miss how when we cuddled
I didn't have to wear socks
because your feet don't gross me out.
I miss slipping your little fingers in between my slightly bigger ones.
I miss your little frame.
I don't just miss being in the presence of somebody,
I miss the way you made a whole room
feel like that was the only room that mattered,
how any room became increadibly important
when your attention shifted there.
I have never even thought
someone peeing with the door open
While talking to me would be important
To be honest, I still don't.
I want you to *** with the door open and talk to me,
I miss the way it takes you thirty minutes to ***
and five to **** .
I miss the way
you spent twenty minutes after either
playing on your tablet.
I don't want to walk anywhere with anyone at two a.m.
But I'd walk to Chicago and back
if you said you were gonna do it.
I miss walking ever so slightly behind you
I could see the power behind your walk,
the confidence,
I envied and admired it.
And yes occasionally I would look at your ****.
I also love the way you like to be in front
because you have an ever present desire to be in power,
to feel in charge.
I don't care to compliment people
unless I have a motive.
Like I want positive comments at work
so I can get moved to serve
or I want something.
But with you, with you
my compliments were genuine,
innocent even.
I don't want to **** what I feel for you.
Because my love for you,
it's the only beautiful thing I've got.
I really wished I would've ****** it up
accepted that they were more fun than me.
I wish I hadn't let getting bailed on
by the only person I ever truly want to see
hurt so much.
I've told you time and time again,
"I'm not strong".
I know this probably seems less like a poem
and more like
a sad narrative of an impulsive child.
Maybe I'll make that the title.
But I'm in love with you.
I haven't felt this much sorrow before.
I've never been one to erupt into tears,
but I am.
A lot.
Right now
I have a little bit of your perfume
on my turtle necklace
when I habitually put it in my mouth
I have to choke back my tears.
I hope you read this.
I hope you don't.
I wish I could take you out on Saturday.
I wish i wasn't rambling.
I should probably sleep but
when I try and sleep sober
I have nightmares.
I'm looking for reasons to see you again.