He closed me up like a book, n I mistook his values for my own. He had an image he wouldn't abandon n derived pride in being grown. I wanted to live in his castle so I helped him on to his throne His world felt safe, so when he opened his gates, I no longer felt alone.
Future happiness - dictated his life, turning 30 - made him think of a wife. So when I cooked I was judged, and when I cleaned I felt loved, but when I drank- I was a child, the mom of his kids couldn't act wild.
I was walking on egg shells and picking up the pieces I covered up the remnants so he couldn't find any reasons - to leave me. Or not believe me. I wanted him to think I knew what I was doing. My life's purpose became convincing him that I was worth pursuing.
And I grew so content in his world of requirements, cuz I thought if he could love me I was - doing alright since - I didn't feel the scabs of my insecurities anymore, they all seemed to itch less when he walked through the door, and said I love you.
Why his validation made me feel like I was whole, or why his arms tasted like home- I'll never know. But the way he saw the world and his opinions of me, contorted and distorted the world that I perceive, and now I find that I'm scared to live by my own rules, cuz I know it's not the path that he would choose.
I don't recognize these shoes; the ones that I walk in. I don't hear my own voice cuz he did all the talking. I don't trust my own gut cuz he did all the thinking. I don't remember how to tread cuz I'm so used to sinking.