all of my should haves and what ifs
crawl into bed with me
at 6:30
on a wednesday
morning.

some days
are worse
than others.

at 6:45 i reach
deep
into my throat
and pull out the
sleep
that waits there
like a
sick dog
throwing it over my
shoulder
and leaving it
panting
just beneath my pillow
waiting for me
to return home
at the end of another
very
long
day

some of which
are worse
than others.

the sunlight
reaching
its fingers
through my bedroom
curtains is no longer
gold and beautiful
but muted blue and grey-
i know this feeling.

briefly i think
i can hear an alarm
clock clock down the street
or maybe it’s mine
i’m not sure i can’t think

but i realize
eventually
it’s just my ears ringing
like they do
at the start of
another
unwanted
morning
so
i pull together
all the worn
stitches
at all my exhausted
seams
just enough
to make it
downstairs.

this is how it always
starts

but some days
are worse
than others.