When I was in 4th grade she called me “weird” and I believed it
When I was in 6th grade he called me “ugly” and I believed it
When I was in 7th grade she called me “worthless” and I believed it
When I was in 8th grade they called me a “*****” and I believed it
When I was in 10th grade she called me “fake” and I believed it
When I was in 11th grade they called me “desperate” and I believed it
When I was in 12th grade he called me “selfish” and I believed it

I seem to think that I’m just not good enough
Like I’m not worthy of being loved or cared for
I have a hard time believing I’m a beautiful person
I see the ugliness that is my heart and refuse to accept that my soul is a lovely thing

I also believe the lie that I cannot change
That I will always be a slave to my anxieties and shortcomings
That I couldn’t stop even if I tried
That I don’t really want to change

I believe the lie that this way of living on my own strength is more satisfying
That surrendering to God will let me down somehow
I’m scared to give up control of my life
I feel like I can’t give it all to Him- I need to hold at least a few strands of myself back

It’s hard for me to even imagine what total healing and surrender would look like
I’ve been tangled in webs of deceit for as long as I can remember
I listen to those lies about myself

I’ve made my home in a house of matchsticks and every time my heart breaks the force is enough of spark to set me on fire
I continue to self-destruct
I don’t even know how to trust God
How do I hand over my life into His hands?
Is there a special prayer or action I can do in order to totally surrender?
Why is it so much easier to trust myself instead of the One who knit me together?

I don’t like myself- you see- that’s a problem
But the Spirit living inside of me renders me worthy
I have inherited a lifetime of loveliness because I was created by an Artist
Not everyone that looks at me will recognize my beauty
However, that does not diminish the reality of it
I have been made worthy
I have been made lovely
These are facts- not opinions or fleeting emotions. This is truth.

When I stop believing the lies about myself- I feel free
I’m free to live the way I was created to live
I am not bound by shackles of addiction or self-hatred
I’M FREE and even though I thought rebellion made me “free” it only fueled the fire that welded my own chains
Ignoring and disobeying God is not freedom- it’s self-destruction

I cannot make myself happy
Nothing can satisfy the aching in the core of my being other than living in the shadow of the One who gave everything- sacrificed everything in the pursuit of my adulterous heart
I could never be more loved than I am right now in this very moment
I can never be more beautiful than how I was created
He will bring me joy, purpose, strength, conviction, peace, satisfaction, & LIFE

When I try to control my life, emotions, thoughts, and rebellious heart it yields pain and emptiness
When He is in control- I bloom.