its 12 am
(an early night)
so i made myself a cup of coffee,
then it's
two more to go;
one at 3
another at 5,
just in time for a new day

of course i'm not planning to catch enough sleep tonight,
or any more than humanely possible
this week,
month,
or heck, even
year,

and it's not because i am nervous,
or worried sick,
or waiting for a phone call,
(no one ever rings),

i don't do it for the masochistic side of me either;
there are more creative ways to slowly **** yourself

quite on the contrary,
it helps me survive;
lets me feed into the fantasy:

that i am tired
because i haven't had enough sleep
that i am depressed
because, ***** the chemical imbalances,
its just sleep deprivation
and that i'm having mood swings
not because its that time of the month again,
oh no,
that's a terribly wrong assumption;
its just
lack of sleep.

most importantly though,
it's reassuring to know
that i can be normal
and happy
and alive
if i had
enough
sleep

because what if after a good night's rest
and i'm still the same,
will
i still
be able
to
remain sane?