i always say i wouldn’t care if you died but honestly i’ve never really thought about it. would somebody call me to tell me? would it be your mother? who would apologize first? would i cry? would i feel relieved? would i blame myself? would i still be as angry as i am or would i have to figure out a way to let it go and move on? would i be invited to your funeral? would i go? it would probably be the nice thing to do considering who i am but i don’t want to be that girl anymore. if i only heard about it in passing or through gossip in the hallways, would i pretend that i didn’t care? like i didn’t even know you? would i feel sad? what would i even be mourning? the boy i knew, the boy i loved died a long time ago. would this be the closure my therapist always talks about? how would you go? i bet it would be doing something stupid. or maybe you actually followed through and really did ******* shoot yourself. who would find you? what if it was your little brother? if he saw me in the streets, would he hug me? would we cry together? or would i just feel awkward? so i guess i should stop saying that i hope you die because i don’t know if i do i just wish that you never existed, at least in my head.