she always knew i had a hard time with keeping one,
whether it was because i was scared my parents would check it again
or maybe i just was too afraid of what i would say...or lack thereof.
but, oh dear journal, maybe i was just too afraid to write about how sad i was.
i was so depressed... i still am, not just about her, but i guess because of nothing and everything. as soon as she left, i picked up one of the many ones i bought while i was with her and i wrote. and i wrote and wrote about how much it hurt and how much pain i felt. i didn't cry...well, at least not until i got to the last page. i had written so many pages by the time i was done, i was so surprised that i actually had that much to say about it all.
i thought that after everything had happened, maybe by the time this journal would be filled up that things would be better. oh, dear journal i couldn't have been more wrong. things have taken such a turn for the worst in the last couple of months and of course i wouldn't have the guts to do anything about it. i can never fight back, i can never say no.
when you lose someone that you love, it kind of ruins your own perception of yourself and your ex significant other. the one person you could trust, not just with you and your feelings, but your whole self, and they leave you just like you meant nothing to them.
and while my brain loves to remind me of how my dad did the same and how she did it and how I've had many friends who have done it to me, i never for a second believed that i'd have to endure such a pain.
but, i think I'm learning.
i think I'm learning to fight, and to say no, and to stop thinking about you all the time. my mind loves to wander, but the second it does, i pick up a new book or i take off the shirt that smells like you or i go and learn a new word in Greek.
anyways, i read the pages. i read the pages i wrote and then i threw them away. i made a promise to never let someone treat me that way, i never want to be someone who anybody can easily leave ever again. and you may protest, "No, it wasn't easy, not one bit." And I believe you, because thats what they all say. they say they cry and they worry about how I'm doing and wonder about me, hell, maybe sometimes they visit me and send me birthday cards. but, i know that once the crying and worrying is over, i don't matter a single bit anymore.
i threw the pages away so i could feel something other than the pain and emptiness i had known for the last couple of months. i thought maybe if i threw them away then i could move on a bit easier, and start learning to love myself again, because i had started to forget.
but... thats not how it always works. it'll take me awhile to learn how to sleep again, hence the reason I'm still awake at 3:30 writing this entry.
it'll also take awhile to get used to this feeling. like you're so close yet so far away. but i should, after all, once you're gone... i don't think ill have you forever. as much as i loved the idea of a forever with you, i know it will never be, especially in the way i had dreamt it would be.
forever is such a special, yet inconceivable thought that rarely ever happens. i need to stop and remember i have a now to live. i know that was part of the issue, and I'm sorry that it took so long to figure that out. i wish i could've been what you needed...who you needed.
but in all of this, i think I'm learning that i just need myself.
i need to learn how to be alone, because i especially cannot be dependent on someone who is so far away. i can't allow myself to be anymore, its hurts too much.
and i know you like to say you're independent, and yes...in some ways you are, but in most? well, i guess ill leave you to figure that one out for yourself. I've had enough time to come to a conclusion, maybe one day you will too.
so, my dear journal, i love her. i always will. i remember writing "I've never met someone who could take my heart and burn it with their eyes as if I had never seen a fire before which is true, I had never been burned by another person before because how could I possibly let someone inside of me like that?" I let you inside, and i still continue to do so. ill always remember the way you made me feel like i could do anything, and how hopeful you made me about not just my future, but ours. and ill always remember your sweet kisses and the way your laugh sounds at 2am. ill always remember how beautiful you made me feel and how you still do, even to this day. i know ill always remember the way you said "I love you" and the way you made "forever" sound like a promise you'd never break...i just know ill always remember you.
i should sleep, but i just wanted to say that i know things will get better. you just have to stay alive to see.
sweet dreams, (as per usual).