May 2015
they say "better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all".
and i find myself repeating these words like a mantra on those lonely nights that i sit out on my front porch watching cars zoom by and young love stumbling out from the pub across the street.
sometimes i can still feel the way that my heart pounded in my chest when you leaned over from the driver's seat and planted a quiet kiss on my lips before your whispered "sweet dreams" danced in my mind along with the smile that i swore i could never get sick of. your hands leave my skin and i smile widely at your eyes. i watch myself step over my huddled form on the front steps, dazed as i wave goodbye, goodnight, and thank-you to you from behind the glass of my front door. the smell of extinguished candles fill my nose as i shake off my shoes, and the pitter-patter of bare feet across tiles to hardwood tick-tock through the air as i get mad at myself for being so utterly infatuated with your hands and that look.
i want to take a drag of the imaginary cigarette i am smoking on the front porch as i take some time to think about where it all began to change. i want to feel the cancer spread throughout my body and **** me before i could ever admit that things are no longer the same, but i smack myself in the head and bite my tongue and resist that familiar urge to cry until i am nothing but skin and bones.
maybe we are two mature people who acknowledge some kind of sick value that love cannot completely take over our lives any longer. we are not teenagers who can be lovestruck and completely wrapped up in each other, making each other each other's worlds - oh, i can't help but feel ashamed at how much i adore you when i am second, third, fourth to so many things in your life. i just want to be your first, like you are my priority above all else.
maybe i should admit that things are still the same for me - that you have always been and still are number one before anything else. maybe i keep telling myself that both of us have changed, as if you aren't really the one that's actually leaving me behind in your journey towards something better. better. better, and bigger.
i want is a love so deep that the big blue would turn green with envy.
and i find myself repeating these words like a mantra on those lonely nights that i sit out on my front porch watching cars zoom by and young love stumbling out from the pub across the street.
sometimes i can still feel the way that my heart pounded in my chest when you leaned over from the driver's seat and planted a quiet kiss on my lips before your whispered "sweet dreams" danced in my mind along with the smile that i swore i could never get sick of. your hands leave my skin and i smile widely at your eyes. i watch myself step over my huddled form on the front steps, dazed as i wave goodbye, goodnight, and thank-you to you from behind the glass of my front door. the smell of extinguished candles fill my nose as i shake off my shoes, and the pitter-patter of bare feet across tiles to hardwood tick-tock through the air as i get mad at myself for being so utterly infatuated with your hands and that look.
i want to take a drag of the imaginary cigarette i am smoking on the front porch as i take some time to think about where it all began to change. i want to feel the cancer spread throughout my body and **** me before i could ever admit that things are no longer the same, but i smack myself in the head and bite my tongue and resist that familiar urge to cry until i am nothing but skin and bones.
maybe we are two mature people who acknowledge some kind of sick value that love cannot completely take over our lives any longer. we are not teenagers who can be lovestruck and completely wrapped up in each other, making each other each other's worlds - oh, i can't help but feel ashamed at how much i adore you when i am second, third, fourth to so many things in your life. i just want to be your first, like you are my priority above all else.
maybe i should admit that things are still the same for me - that you have always been and still are number one before anything else. maybe i keep telling myself that both of us have changed, as if you aren't really the one that's actually leaving me behind in your journey towards something better. better. better, and bigger.
i want is a love so deep that the big blue would turn green with envy.
