I don't like cutting, I don't want to keep doing it
I hate that I keep doing it but yet I don't stop
I wish I could stop but when everything is falling apart and it becomes too much I know what will be there
I know that when it seems like everything is changing some things will remain the same
Like the feeling of a cold blade on my warm skin
The feeling of my skin being cut
The feeling of the pain
The warmth of my blood on my skin
I know that when you rely on something for so long it becomes hard to let go
It becomes addicting
It becomes a habit
A friend
A helper
A supporter
A horrible never ending addiction
You stop for sometime and think you're done forever
But then you fall back into the addiction
It's like a deep hole
You know you will fall back again
When you do the hole becomes deeper
Harder to get out of
It takes longer to recover from
The cuts become deeper
It happens more often
But yet through all this I keep a smile on my face
How is that?
How can I smile when inside I'm falling apart?
When inside I'm miserable
I'm falling apart
I'm dead inside
I'm broken
I'm not the me I used to be
But yet I keep my head held high
I can't just stop cutting
It's not that easy
Because even when life is good my life flips it around
Makes everything seem bad, evil, haunting, tormenting
Words seems twisted
Actions are misjudged
My thoughts begin to run wild
But I know I have to try to get through this
It's like people say
Suicide isn't the answer
So I suffer in silence
I tell no one how I feel
I tell no one about the things I do
I just leave one more
One more cut
One more scar
One more secret
But why?
What good is it?
I've been asked about it before
They ask me
Why?
Why cut?
Why don't you just stop?
Why don't you get some help?
Why don't you tell someone?
I've never been able to give a good answer to this
All I say is this
It helps me
They don't know that sometimes you need to bleed to know you're really alive
So I say I'm okay when in reality I'm falling apart
I know it's not worth it
But yet I don't stop
I may never stop
Until one day it becomes too much
Until I finally get what I want
Until I die
No one really wants to die though
They just want things to change
But do I want change?
No, I just want a normal life
One with no suffering
One with no fear
One with no regrets
One with no sadness
A life with no hate
Especially with no pain
All I want is to be happy and for it to last
I want hope
I want laughter
I want to feel loved
I want to feel wanted
So maybe I don't want a normal life
I want an impossible one
One that can never be
One that no one can have
One that will never exist
Maybe that's why I'm so unhappy
Is it because I'm a hopeless dreamer?
Is it because I want impossible things?
Or maybe I don't deserve to be happy
I feel as if the world has given up on me
I'm not ready to give up on the world though
I will be strong
Even if I'm covered in cuts and scars
I won't give up until I get past this
Until my addiction is gone
This evil thing will not stop me
I will overcome this
It may not be today or even anytime soon
But I will
I will learn to love myself
I will stand tall with confidence
I will find who I am
I will learn to be happy
I will stay strong
I will not cut anymore
I will not fall back
I will not be held back any longer
I'm tired of this
I'm done covering my cuts and scars
It's my past
It's what I've done
This is part of me