Maybe we cling to what isn’t real

So when I found you I latched on for life

And I knew it would fall to pieces, because it started out not quite whole

If you were looking for a girl, she died long ago

I stayed by the sides of the one’s who silenced my cries for help

Who told me keep quiet, put my safety on a shelf

I was so innocent...

That’s my appeal

Pretend I have the body of a child, but a grown woman’s mind

Because actually having the body of a child wasn’t a clear enough line

You jump in the deep end not knowing what you’ll find

An ocean full of corpses and bits of a hopeless mind

You’ll reach out to touch only to watch me cringe because the last one who ever saw

my skin

Told me he loved me

Told me he was there for me

Told me to leave my friends behind

Told me that only he could make me happy

If I went with him, he promised to be kind

He told me he loved me

And the boundaries of his love were based on how much skin was in his sight

Everybody leaves, blaming me, saying I didn’t try

I’m too sad to live, too much of a coward to die

Maybe the truth is that I put on a smile, because I’m too tired to cry

I want to be wanted, but no one wants ME

I’m the reason everybody leaves.

I’m a vapid *****

I’m a stupid *****

I’m a Russian-*******-doll, nothing inside me but me myself and I

I’m useless, can’t you tell? I’m not worth keeping around

I’m a warning sign

I’m a wailing siren

I can’t even be bothered to keep my feet on the ground

So when the opportunity came, I fell into whatever arms would hold me

But they were the same ones that broke me

Because the last one who ever saw my skin,

Called me “his”

I was the apostrophy at the end of his name

Because what we had was a cat and mouse game

And you...

You were quite the same

It was my fault, I know

Thinking that two broken people could come together as whole

I’d lie awake next to you, imagining happiness

Is this it? Is love supposed to feel like this?

I thought that maybe what I needed was someone to fix me

But that didn’t explain why I felt so empty every time you kissed me

And being with you was like drowning in liquor

the more you have, the sips get quicker

But too much of a good thing makes you want to *****

Stand over the toilet till your nose is hearing comets

And you.

You told me you loved me.

I’m so sorry

I’m so so sorry I said it too

I’m sorry I got all hung up, sending texts “when can I see you”?

I’m sorry the only time you heard a compliment is when our legs were wrapped together

I’m sorry the only admiration I gave you was in response to pictures on the phone

I’m sorry, so sorry for what I became

Because for once I had the upper hand in this sick little game

See,

He told me I was beautiful, but only in the sheets

He told me that he wanted me, drunk and half asleep

He told me that he cared, but only if he approved of the clothes I would wear

I only loved you with a bottle in my hand

I only needed you in an empty bed

I only wanted you when you started to show that you didn’t want me, too

I’m sorry, so sorry for what I became

But you told me you loved me.

And then you got up and left

I’m a vapid *****

And a stupid *****

I’m a broken doll you didn’t need anymore

Everyone leaves, no one says why

The least you could have said was a simple goodbye.