one year.
it took one year for you to realize that you don't want me.
I'm not sure if you ever did.
we were best friends first, lovers second.
I was there for you and you were there for me.
I tried to help you, but I'm not good with words, you see,
but i tried so so hard--- and that has to count for something, right?
It hurt so bad when you said i couldn't understand, because I did,
I understood you so well.
I couldn't emotionally support you how you wanted
and I think in the end, that was what broke us
Along with other things.
We had so much fun together,
I felt alive with you.
You took me places I've never heard about, let alone ever been to.
You broadened my horizons,
You valued me and believed there was something special about me.
But that's all someone wants, right? to be wanted?
For most of the time I felt wanted by you.
In the beginning, I was so sure we would work.
I felt it in the way you looked at me
and I wanted you so badly.
Summer was great and then we had a scare.
You were more scared than me
and I think that was because I knew I loved you
and you knew you didn't.
I couldn't tell you I did because I was so scared of losing you.
So I detached myself, for my own protection
and we drifted.
I thought we had ended and you would only think of me as a best friend,
but then I told you I was going on a date.
You couldn't let me be happy for one second,
you couldn't let me out of your selfish grip.
The very next day you told me you loved me
and I was still so scared.
So scared of being vulnerable, so scared of what would come next.
But I told you I loved you too, but that didn't seem to be enough.
You treated me like dirt and I think I figured out why you are verbally abusive.
It's because your dad was like that with you.
You never learned how to properly love someone,
and I desperately hope you figure it out soon.
We reconnected for two weeks,
and me being a hopeless romantic that won't let my guard down so easily,
I knew it wouldn't work, despite all hopes.
After that reconnection, I felt empty.
I tried to come up with an explanation why and I couldn't figure it out.
Although we did love each other, we weren't "in love".
All I wanted was to be wanted.
And only by you.
But we decided to remain friends.
Then I changed my mind.
You could never commit to me, I figured that out after that one time you asked me to be your girlfriend and then took it back the next day.
After almost a year,
you finally figured out what you wanted.
Not me.
"I'm not your type"
I will never understand how you can love someone who isn't your "type"
but I will always wonder what's so wrong with me that you couldn't keep loving me.
And I will always wonder what's so wrong with me that I could love someone who I knew could never treat me the way I deserve.
I will always love you, and I will always be there for you.
But I will also never be able to be myself with you again.
I showed you my most vulnerable parts and you denied me
and I am so ashamed I let myself get that close without a commitment.
My mom recently said, "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free"
and I took that to heart.
I will find someone better, I know I will.
and they will want me for me,
not for my body, nor my money, nor because they think they can take advantage of the shy girl with her heart on her sleeve.