Dear stan, as I write this letter to you I'm sitting at rock bottom
You told me i'll be well by summer but now it's another Autumn
There's nothing to look forward to, and I still feel so rotten
I've been having these nightmares lately and maybe I need them
They keep me up all night, otherwise I have those pills they gave me and sometimes I pop 'em,
Remember those anxiety attacks I used to have, I've still got them
I don't know how any of this will end but I think I finally need a friend,
I'm tired of talking through a pen, and I don't know when I might do something I'll regret later,
There's so much going on and she gives no **** at all, I hate her
I guess I would to, if I was in her shoes
But I have told you how much I love her,
And I don't know what to do, I don't want to alienate her
I have no one else and I know I am lucky to have somebody
But I don't think I deserve her because I am nobody
I know she worries and I can't help but feel sorry
All I want is for her to be happy, but I know if she remains with me soon she'll lose everybody
I know what she's feeling inside even though she never tells
I don't want to be that someone but I know I can't be anyone else
I don't know what needs to be done to get out of this hell
Sooner or later I know I'll reach for the gun and disappear like everyone else
Before I die I want to make sure I did everything I could
You told me to never judge a book by its cover and maybe I should
And you know if there was a way out I'll run for it, you know I would
Sometimes I smile when I think about my childhood though it wasn't good
At least I had a place I could call home and I don't know if again, I ever would
I could've had easily slipped into the bad influence of my neighborhood
But I never did, I never took a hit
I always kept my distance until this loneliness did it
Now I need it, like a mother needs her child
And now I don't remember how to live without it because I've been doing it all this while,
There's so much more I would like to say but I'm forgetting my own words
I've been shut inside these walls for so long that I've forgotten how the world works
I'm afraid to open a door because I know it will close once I leave
I've been so close but I know you tell me to stay in control and believe
But I can't help myself or her when she weeps
I've been grateful for so many things but I know there's something I still need
Because I know how I feel when everyone goes to sleep
I have this hunger inside of me that nobody can feed
You told me that if I fight my demons one day I'll be freed
But no matter how much I try, this promise I can't keep
I'm so tired and all I want is to fall asleep
But I know I might never wake from a scar this deep
I've had so many till now that I've lost my count
I try to hear in the silence but I hear no sound
And even though when I'm in a crowd it feels like no ones around
Why is it that even though I'm at the rock bottom I'm still falling down
I don't know why I picked my pen today and felt like putting it all out on the table
And trust me I'm no fool, I know you think I'm unstable
But trust me, I've been trying to find a ride back home
But guess what, nones available
And There's so much weight on my shoulders that I know I won't be able
To get back on my feet without crushing myself in the process to be stable
I know I'll fall right back into the abyss, and no one would even miss me
Though I had a little hope you gave to me but I know it's unsustainable
Because all the pain I have in me makes that mountain unattainable
I wish things could have turned out a little differently
But now I am all but gone, detached from my own reality
I know I will give in to this pressure eventually
Break apart and disappear for one last time
And I know you knew it too, c'mon what chance did I have statistically
But I would still like to pretend that we're not staring at the end
And I still have a chance to defeat the monsters I've bred
I hope you don't mind me speaking out my mind, my friend
But Don't feel bad for Me if someday they find my corpse with a hole in my head
I'm sure you'll be the only one to ever miss me enough to give a ****
We both know how it'll all turn out and I admit it hurts
But you never know the reason for anything why anyone does
And sometimes you need to perish before you can get rid of the curse.

Yours truly
Stan