that have ever made you cry, or have ever hurt you.
you mean the absolute world to me.

i don't ever want to let you hurt again.
never want to let you feel like your feelings mean nothing to me.

i am beginning to truly understand the quote:
"hurt people only hurt people."
i don't know what i am hurting over, at all, anymore -
because you have made me feel so wanted and loved over
these past few months. i think this is the most love anyone in my
life has ever shown me - never have i felt so appreciated and beautiful
and smart and like a someone since you.
maybe i've just been too scared to show my emotions for as long
as i could remember, without realization even striking down;
i have my fair share of too many sad nights crying to myself -
wishing i could reverse time
just dreaming about how things could be different
if i was just someone different
in all of the aspects that make me who i am -
and hating what i've been reduced to, hating the faces
i make when i cry, hating the sounds that gurgle in my throat,
the loneliness around me when i wish someone would grab
me and say, "it's okay to not be okay!!!",
detesting the way my shoulders shake when i cant stop
the tears that come pouring out of my eyes.

baby, you have loved me in my darkest blacks and blues,
my saddest grays and silvers, my angriest reds and oranges,
and my crazy greens and purples.

i am so sick of hiding from you, being dishonest in my feelings -
it's not that i didnt want to show them to you, i was just
terrified of how you would react to them -

now i'm beginning to understand that it's probably because
i never fully acknowledged your love for me -
i've always been so paranoid that you'd laugh in my face
and pick my heart up and go once i decided to fully give it my all.

is now a wrong time to believe that you love me?
is it too late? i beg to god that it isnt, because i will love you
until my ******* heart explodes.

the other day you were infuriated with me because of a stupid joke
i thought would be hilarious. instead,
i made you feel stupid - made you feel upset - made you worried -
and i belittled your feelings entirely.

entirely.
i cannot believe i had ever tried to stay ignorant to your feelings,
it still hurts to think that i ever did that to you.
i love you much more than that, but still, i sit here and
let myself hurt you without even trying to change who i am,
for you.
i am so in
love
with you.

i cannot believe how much i have put you through, it completely scares
me
that i have the power to do that to you. the power
to make such a sweet boy like you CRY, and WORRY, and HURT,
and OVERTHINK.
i can do that to you, too?
i am beginning to realize that it's not all about what you do
for me, to me, around me -
no -
love, it has a lot to do with what power i have over you, too.
it has to do with how i can hurt you, because of who i was
before you - and how i so eagerly WANT, DESIRE, and CRAVE
to become someone better, so that i couldn't ever let another
tear crawl down your face.

i don't ever want to hurt you baby.
but deep down,
i am PETRIFIED to be hurt, too.
this is what love must be -
sometimes i wonder if it's worth all the headaches and all of
the tears, all of the paranoia, and all of the hurt that we're banking,
and then you're wrapping your limbs all around me in the cool darkness
of my room,
whispering, sleepily, into my hair with your
warm breath and husky voice, "...pretzel."

and i can't help but laugh and spin around into your chest
before your kisses cover my forehead,
and you're groaning forgotten and sleep-infused 'i love you's into my
bed head hair.
you never catch the way i smile cheekily and stare at the front of your
sleeping eyelids as your teeth grind momentarily and you sigh,
pulling me closer into your body.
"i love you, baby." you will always say as i open my mouth to say it first.
"i love you." i will always reply. in every other life, and forever, ever more.