I learn things the hard way
I know myself well
Enough to know that part of me won’t change

Some days feel like a self-started war
Between my feet meeting the and floor
It says, no
You won’t stand
But my mind insists and persists
Until I’m out of bed
And through the door.


If I look back at my past pain
From the view I stand in the present
I can see was for a greater purpose
And I wouldn’t dare change a single thing
Because it brought me to something enlightening.

So I write it all down, make it a song, and sing
Hoping the rhymes will help me
Not forget my new insight I know now.
Then a few weeks later
Don’t ask me how
I swear it’s like the pain or the pen scribbling on the page
Ever happened
Because for the life of me
I forget what I told myself to remember…

It’s a hilarious tragedy
Because I don’t meet the criteria to be insane
Even though I feel crazy.
I ask myself
How I have short term memory at 23?
Or maybe there exists a side of my personality
I am unwilling or not ready to see
That I am *******
Why the hell else
Would I repeat this same pain?

Some results are just not capable of change
So far I have found that a fire will always burn
But for some reason I continue to hold fire
In the palm of my hand.

One things is for sure,
I am obviously in the need for control and command.

I took the same course
Using that old coping source
Hoping it wouldn’t be the same result
I am aware I do this
But my therapist says it’s
Progress not perfection….

Like I said in the beginning
I learn things the hard way
I know myself well
Enough to know that part of me won’t change.

It might not progress or perfection, but at least it’s consistent.