I hate being around people
Yet I hate total solitude

I cannot stand the silence
Yet the sound of others drives me mad

I hate being this way
Yet the thought of fixing it
frightens me

Changing who I think I am
To impress others?

This lonely world of black and white
Could not mix shades of grey.

Is the white evil?
Is the black?
What if I choose wrong
Like I always do?

Would I scuttle back into the shadows
Like the disgusting creature I've become?
Dwelling amidst the trash and garbage
Where other creatures dwell?

Or do I jump into the light?
That peace by some forgotten lake,
barely a blip on some local map,
which Time and I have forgotten?

To me
Neither is preferable.
I cannot live
Dwelling in the shadows
Nor basking in the light.

From here
I do not know
what I am
why I am
and I always fail
at preparing the color
I want