When they come here
It's never for me.
I find myself lingering,
Hesitating,
And wondering why
But knowing it at the same time.
You have to open your heart
To invite people in
And for reasons even I cannot fathom,
My heart cannot be opened.
I must resign myself
To forever being
An outsider.

The warmth that filled me
is
gone.
My companion
My strength
My heart
I hear the voice over and over
"Oh, she's already gone."
And my heart
Breaks and branches
Over
And over
And over.
And I know...
I know she's gone.
But what I wouldn't give
To have her back.

Loss
The normal life that's passed.
The life that was lost.
The talent given and taken.
The innocence of a simple life.

What would have been.
What could have been.
What should have.
What never should have.

The blinded artist.
The muted singer.
The deafened tuner.
The wounded athlete.

The child who survived
when everyone else did not.

The woman who lost her beloved in life.
The man who lost his beloved in death.  

The people who must endure
through endless pain
endless torment.

Those who suffer for the sake of others.

Those who must allow others to suffer for them.

The kind people.
The poor people.
The broken people.

The parent waiting for their child to wake up.

The child waiting for their parents to come home.

The celebrity despised by everyone
who never did anything
you or I wouldn't have done.

The genius who lost their intellect.

The hero who lost their sanity.

The witness kept awake at night
wishing they'd never gone out.

I wish I could trust people.
I really, truly do.
The nicest people have
the nicest voices
the nicest souls.
They comfort me.
I wish I could trust them.
Let my guard down for once.
I shouldn't even have a guard.
I'd like to say my life is nice.
A nice life, with no reason
to keep myself guarded.
If I can't feel safe,
is it still nice?
If my guard won't come down...
Why?
Why can't I trust someone?
Why do I keep my guard up?
Why?
Is there a reason my guard doesn't fall?
They say behind the nicest smiles
are the cruelest intentions.

The heart chills, my mind stills.
What am I doing?
My existence, devolved to nothing.
My strength seems like something of the past.
I think of death.
Sweet death, cold
Like ice cream.
The more I taste, the colder I feel.
The more my mind hurts.
Yet I cannot stop myself.
This taste that lingers on my tongue
is perhaps
the only thing keeping me sane.
My eyes are frozen.
I keep them covered to keep them warm.
Warm
Unlike the ice cold chill I always feel
The only antidote for this cold
Is the warmth of a blanket.
They say that people can provide warmth too
but...
to leave my only point of sanity and comfort?
It seems too much for me.
My frozen body cannot thaw.
I no longer create my own warmth.
I need others.
A stronger person
who can protect me from the Cold.
From this moment,
I was never my own.

My pain belongs to me.
My discomfort belongs to me.
My chill belongs to me.
I would never burden someone
with my troubles.

I hurt because I don't want to be hurt.
I am protected because I don't want to be safe.
I am cold because I don't want to be cold.

I am dead because I didn't want to die.