smiling a denial
what a sweet smile
"you're always so happy"
a clicking music box

i am free i am calm i am smile i am happy i am
and in the annex alone i listened to him speak
snow falling like angels' feathered tears
on black wet pavement glassy.

i heard his voice and i heard him speak
and my skin it ripped and suddenly i knew-
and
i heard the muffled sounds come clear and come clean
(i am not free)

shaking every angel
as my own serpent arises
in the very dark back
corner of my brain

that i conveniently forget about.
a loud mind. singing foreign songs, a dream lilting deja vu.
his voice opened me up, he spoke about his mother joy reality and
as candles they do burn melting red over faded photographs and the sacrificed man's naked face
opened and i knew

and when his voice faded, screaming stopped their tearing of thunder and ripping of tightly woven threads-
the hole closed.
and oh father
i am numb again.