I catch a glimpse of 2021
from this neighbourhood sometimes
looking exactly the same
but now it’s just mom dad and I.
I used to have so much to explore
the mansion of ambassadors
spending bucks at the convenient store
and our never ending lore.

You would’ve loved my balcony
and my big yellow chair
I re-tell the same story to different friends
to equate the feeling of having you there
my sister, you were
sometimes the only family I had
our last trip, at the hawker stall we said
“I think you and I are soulmates”

Even after two years
I still want to tell you
from the ire of going to work
to the man who ended my life for a while
we’d tell each other just give me a break
and i miss you when are you gonna visit
ear twist,
arm squish,
car parked in front of my porch
I used to only have you
but felt like I had more than what I have now
you’re the love turned into a loss
and your spot still remains untouched.

Tuhan,
bawalah dia pergi dari fikiranku
sembuhkan luka di hati ini
rawati tapak yang pernah dia singgah.

If this has to end
where do I go back to
is it the same space
without your abstract presence
or to my childhood bedroom
the place of just myself
and the question
"where exactly is my home"

wish I was healed
before I professed my love to you.

You see,
on days you can't find reasons anymore
feelings are all mixed up
- is this anger or sadness?
your head is 'bout to burst
wanna talk about it
but soon you'll regret
to talk means to create another perspective
another creation is already too much
so you check the date
- ah ok it's getting near, let's not talk about it
in a few days, it will all be invalid

but feelings
where do they really go
are there really places for them to settle
or just like that
they vanish
and come again
slightly different, unexpected reasons
yet still the same torment.

Today i wrote a letter to my first love
i grew up with him in my mind
i figured out dreams with him in my heart
i loved with him in every line i read

But today i wrote a letter to my first love
not with him as the antecedence
not with him actuating the things i said
not with him as the reason i wrote it

Finally, i wrote a letter to my first love
for myself who needs to escape this artificial happiness
for myself who deserves more than just the what ifs
for myself whose love has its own fate

and so after all these years,
I wrote a farewell letter to my first love.

at this very moment i've accepted
love can beautify so many pains
invalidating feelings
shredding in silence of my being
it isn't always the romance on different pages
yet the denial i've finally learnt
heartbreaks can also come from parents.

merah jambu bukan lagi warnaku

meski masih ada putih
hitam juga yang aku pilih
7 tahun telah aku rasakan mati
cukup tiga, mungkin jiwaku tiada lagi baki

sering ku ingin pulang
bertinta di atas muka surat yang sama
tiap kali itu juga lemas aku berperang
tenat kepalaku melawan apa yang di minda

rapat aku tutup mata yang segar
mendambakan saat ia terbuka
sepi di dalam penuh di luar
melakar noktah di sudut sengsara

kerana begitu aku rindu
waktu diriku dihiasai merah jambu.

this is such a weird feeling.

i saw my whole *** at a glimpse
but i don't know if my soul is in its place
i feel so distant
like waiting for something to come
is it okay to just wait?
or move before it's too late?
the two rocks crushing my head
restraining hard from a habit.
do all these only happen to me?
is there a cure for it?
i'm still waiting
for the day every place i step  
feels like home again.

somebody stop me from growing up
i still have lots of questions in mind
the time is going by so fast
yet my curiosity is still finding what's right
till soon when I reach 25
it will only leave me with a childish sign

Why does everything that i feel
to people, it seems unreal
does it take them to pop the bubble
or am I just from a different world?

And the places we used to go together
now we just pass each other as strangers.

I know for a fact
This voice in my head
will come and attack
sticking my body to the bed
when the angel comes to collect
i’ll already be lying dead.

How do you know
if the feeling is real
or a mere imagination
out of grudges?

cuz i’ve grown tired
dealing with existence
everytime it lingers
craving for closure.

I'll just let this one slip

I've been sleeping late
but not to meet the due date
i've starved my plants for 3 days
tho i know i'll cry if it dies
i went downstairs to do laundry
ended up trying a new recipe
i'm just too lazy to move my bone
slowly i'm addicted to being alone

I'll just let this one slip

i absolutely have no clue
what do people my age usually do?

I thought to myself
You're not just another chapter
You're what the whole book is all about
that the past ones have gradually built
and i'm the actress
trying to get into your words

Chapter 1
The summary has fooled me
they gave you labels and to me warnings
instead what i found was the right words
i wanted to put my thoughts into
you said it first, and i added where necessary
we somehow felt the connection,
so we both moved on to a screenplay.

Chapter 2
I couldn't keep following the lines,
for that's something a kid can also do,
so i mended where i thought defined me more
that it won't let me stand still on the stage
thinking, wondering and questioning if i'm really exploring
for i'm not supposed to repeat exactly what has been said
what's the point of watching if you can just read.

Chapter 3
I thought I was doing great
cuz you've been applauding since the beginning
but all of a sudden you stopped, and i heard "next!"
then i realized I wasn't longer something you wanted
That i turned out to be different
from what you had in mind

suddenly it felt like
somebody has just untied a blindfold from my eyes
that was when I finally knew,
it was not yet a rehearsal but an audition
with numeral candidates behind me
and I happened to be the first person you judged.

You put me through hell
But I found heaven amidst the ordeal

You told me I can't do it
But I heard you shouted thats my girl when I succeed

Why do I have to admit guilt
For being hurt and tortured

Why did you ask for me from God
When now you choose to ruin this ***.

Maybe
We’re meant to be just friends
Just like how we started
And like how we’re mending things now

If only I wasn’t that blind to see the glee you gave me
I would’ve been the happiest girl you’ve ever seen
I’d jump as if I got a diamond ring
Cuz you were my dream and still you are in my reverie
Who unexpectedly had once fallen for me…
(I don’t know if you still..)

But love won’t be the same
If one of us chooses to change
And love doesn’t mean love
If we treat it as a game
You keep on playing hard
And I’m always the girl who never wants to lose.

Maybe
We’re meant to be just friends
You can always find me when you’re in need
And I, I will perhaps still love you, honestly
But I need to face the reality
That to be just friends is probably what we’re meant to be.