Gulping down air in the grey dusk
grounding myself in green hope and butterfly heaven
Potential - plastic pots and soil
holding heat and brave roots seeking solid footing
Everything has its season
threat of decay, spoil and deluge
God give me clemency tonight

Fill up my heart
Bathe in my sin
Submerge me in silk
Press against my skin
Rosy my cheeks
Bruise my lips
Lick my tear streaks
Share in my sorrow
Give me your joy
Promise me forever
Beautiful love-drunk boy

I want to purge every painful memory
Incindiary- exorcise my ghosts of the past
Pouring salt on invisible wound, infected and unhealing
Incapable of moving on, crossing over
Letting go and fighting fair

Arm hairs upright
Muscles fraught with anguish
Unable to extinguish the barrage of remembrance assaulting my senses
White-hot on my eyelids and blackened ash on my tongue
With the tears and the lies

Exorcise my anger
Let out the snarling mongrel
Limping and fiercely protective of every vulnerability
No ability to let go or let loose or let up
Because it only leads to new scars in old wounds

Make room for stillness
For connection, soft and gentle affection
Tactile love and visible satisfaction
Undeniable pride and ephemeral wonder
That I'm here and living and alive

TW: suicide

I don't want to die
I don't want to live
Not if it means
This cycle of hate and shame and fear and empty
Repeated with reprieves
Only to start again
Halting life, spoiling love
Spoilt
Spoiled
Ruined
Rotten
Rank
Gut the festering system
Start fresh
Such a fatal design flaw
No warning light
No hard reboot
Just life
And death
Here
Or not
Suicide
Or suffering
There's nothing fair in it
Nothing human about it
I don't want it
Not the pain
Not the shame
Not the guilt
Not the life
Not the death
Give me peace
Give me reprieve
Give me space to breathe
Give me him and I'm happy
Give me hope and I'll ruin
Everything dies
I'm not okay.
It's not okay.
It will be.
But it's not yet.
And it's shameful to say.
To feel. To know. To burden.
How is suicide an unnatural death
When mind decides and mind is flawed
Rid the problem
Pain ends
Ended
Stopped
Over
Peace
Quiet
Reprieve
Relief

I pulled the head from my childhood toy
A bear once pastel, now grey - jaded
Picked at frayed stitches with tragic desperation, frantic, unhinged
Filled my mouth with stuffing
Choked on childhood innocence
Gasped for closure
Compact fluff forced down my throat
Fistfuls to dampen the raw keening
No nightlight to fend off the day's monster
Suffocated on pastel sweet hope
Cancerous shame, rotted brain
Slipped away with a discordant lullaby
And nylon strands wedged in my teeth

Time's ticking
Future waning
Engine clunky in disrepair
Hot muscle furious
Fists flying
Pummelling oppressive chest
Exorcising faulty heart
Weighty
No longer waiting
Clawing
Climbing windpipe ladder
Desperate to escape
Feral creature
Spitting fire
Shrieks and shivers
Defiant for
The end

A second glass, filled
Full of a sort
Wine and bright side
Equally measured.
Pain feels manageable
In these compartments
Labels for days of the week
And diary entry hours
To briefly acknowledge
The storm.
Golden hour hues
Paint monotony
Interesting
Change of pace
And life feels
Life-like
Not disconnected
But real
And my bone-ache
Muted.
Furry companion,
My charge - for a while
Tangible connection
Convention
Of friendship
Desire
Companion
Motivation enough
For now
To carry, onwards