I spend my days weaving threads between our fingers and praying you never sever the link. Blood drips on the sheets, a rosy reminder of the mutilation love leaves behind. Hallowed whispers float on the breeze, prayers that would but scream if only they could speak. Knotted and infinite, almost. Only cool steel can stop us. Don't let go.

But it's the pain in my chest, the eternal ache that threatens to pull me under with its suffocating weight, that I can't shake. It's haunting in its omnipresence. Through laughter, joy, excitement and the darkness. The dread. The emptiness. It would be a numbness but for the crushing pain that paralyses my tongue and deprives my screams their ******, traumatic entrance to the world as they rip from my throat. It's a good thing too, that forcible, formidable silence. I don't think I would know how to stop screaming if I let one pass my lips. Such a damning fate it is, to feel so wholly. Visceral and excruciating. Endless and final. To feel nothing at all, though, would not save me from the worst of it. The feeling I flee from, the one that pushes me to chase down any other emotion and clasp it tight in my heart, regardless of hurt. Anything is better than loneliness.

No room for closed minds
in a sea of writhing bodies
Plenty for the lonely
as I sit surrounded by noise
Empty but for the heaviness
inside every part of me.

Be good, be gracious, be willing
don't ruin this for them
Be happy, be into it, be excited
don't let your selfishness override.

Bending and bending
over and out of shape
Twisting this way and that
to ensure your happiness
That you get your fill
of small, beautiful, better.

But now as I shatter
all I feel is guilty
Questions dizzying
and stomach turns.

Why am I not enough?

It sits heavy on my heart
Stirs up my stomach
Twists me into knots
And I hate it.

Putrifaction in my veins
Rotting away my soul
Tearing my confidence to shreds
Digging deeper, desperate to taint.

Shiny. New. Small. Wanted.
Everything I'm not.
Dependable doesn't beckon bedfellows
When the unknown waltzes by in satin and ***.

Monstrous. Ever-present. Bellowing.
Inescapable are the doubts and fears
The panging need to be seen and held
As I was way back when.

I burn for you
in the blackest midnight pitch.
Though you can't see
the flush in my cheeks.
Heart racing, breath quickens
and my heat undeniable.
I want this, want us
before ashy daylight steals
you away.

Soft
Tingles ripple slowly along my spine
Hot
Breath wraps around my neck
Curious
Fingers trail down my sternum
Burning
Need coarses through my veins
Gentle
Touches between my thighs
Wet
Kisses planted across my chest
Shared
Delights whispered in my ear
Needy
Tongue explores my mouth
Strong
Circles drawn on my sensitive flesh
Silent
Stars explode behind my eyelids
Tight
Arms hold my limp body

He loves me
He wants her
I'll bend over backwards
Turn my stomach inside out
Sit home and pick myself apart
The ugly outside and in
Wishing I was more, less, better, not
Knowing all the while it's not me
But his too big heart and too much lust
Desperate to connect
And I know that desperation well
I had a him and a her and a them
He let me connect with
Encouraged, even
So the guilt wraps around me
Vice-like and unrelenting
Because I owe him this freedom
Without my hesitation and fear
I'll bite my tongue
Grin with blood soaked teeth
And let him roam awhile
Praying he'll return without resentment
In his belly
As he takes in his fill of her.