Suddenly it hit you
Not everyone adores you
the way you adore them

It makes you feel bad
but then you realised that
it is not a sin to do that

You tried to put yourself in their shoes
to convince yourself that
it is okay for someone to feel that way about you

They just don't like you
accept the fact that
you are nugatory to them

She is
The size of a flower petal
Attracts me
As if she is the size of Jupiter
Pulling me straight to her core
Crushing my being

She smiles
Whilst playing with her hair
Blinds me
As if she is Betelgeuse
But still my eyes glued on her
Destroying my retinas

She touches
My heart with her little fingers
Pulverises me
As if I was squashed by Olympus Mons
Yet I still reach out to her
Completely *wrecked

You would actually be mad at me when I stare at you, and then I'd get my reward; that cute smile you make ((and I can only get it after you noticed that I've been staring at you))
2. You care for me, so much, that even when we're walking together, you made sure I won't accidentally hurt myself ((I noticed that you keep glancing over at me))
3. You always look for me to destress, just by squishing my arms or a hug; both will do it for you.
4. You listen to me very well; when I'm crazy mad or crazy happy or crazy sad
5. You have the ability to make my heart flutter, even with the simplest thing, for example that little peck on my forehead every now and then
6. You looked at me like I am the best thing in your life, with a smile that's never leaving your face and shining eyes
7. You noticed things that I didn't expect you to notice, like the time you wrote me a letter because I wrote letters to my ex-roommates, and you know that I only give things I'd like to receive
8. You have this hot dad *** that I likeeee, like very much. So comfortable.
9. I like it when you laugh so hard. It's not like you are out of breath or anything, but it sounds so sincere, melting my ice cold heart.
10. You are the cutest awkward guy I have ever seen.
11. You love me so easily, as if sliding down glacier or driving at a highway. Effortlessly.
12. You can love me ever so effortlessly but yet I can see you working hard to keep me happy, at all times. I see your effort trying to learn my cultural background, all the jokes you did trying to make me laugh, the food you make me eat because I haven't eaten one whole day or just whatever you could do just to make me a happy girl.
13. I like how you always try to improve when there is something I don’t like you doing. And all that effort, just to make me happy.
14. I like it when you call me beautiful that one time, like all of a sudden, I am shooked to my coreeeee
15. You cute. I love you. With all of my heart.

It is crawling up my veins
Scratching everything in its way
With its talons
Leaving its mark that's going to leave scars
That gonna last forever
That is how sad I am
When you make me feel unappreciated

Every word that came out from your lips hurts me

So this is how I want to describe how I really feel about all this mess.

I want to reconcile but I just can't imagine what if the same thing happen again.
By the same thing I mean those direct insults, insensitive jokes, stupid comments, clingy moments and annoying disturbance.
I thought you'll know that I don't like what you did if I'll just keep quiet and ignore you a little but you didn't seem to get it.
I thought you'll find out eventually and try to change.
Until one day you've decided to confront me.
That day I thought you know that you are trying to make me do something impossible. Something that I don't like. Tell you the painful hideous truth with my own lips.

YES I AM ANGRY AT YOU ALL THIS TIME. NO IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF THE ANONYMOUS PERSON IN ASK.FM.  YES I DON'T REALLY LIKE YOU. YES I REGRET WHAT I DID LAST YEAR. YES I CAN'T SAY LOVE YOU LOTS BRO BECAUSE I SIMPLY DON'T. YES I CAN'T LIE TO MYSELF ANYMORE.

There it goes.

But I'm a normal human, I know how that feels like.
I know we have to be nice to people, think about how they would feel if we do something, take care of them like how we want to be taken care of.
I've thought of that.
That's why I didn't told you all that.

And by the way I thought we reconciled already since I texted you saying how sorry I am. And how mean I've been. How insensitive I've been.
But that's okay.
It's not like you have to think of changing yourself for everyone else, including me. It seems like everyone have to accept you.

Hey.
I hope you, I mean I, don't have to read this.

Ever.

But here we go.

*Dear self,
Why would you want him again?

I know he is the most perfect person you have ever met
but know this,
he isn't.

He has long nose hairs that always poke out of his nose
He laughs in a weird way, like a choking person
He eats A LOT ((you wouldn't want a fat husband don't you))
His mom isn't really fond of you
His brother is a huge *******

He also doesn't stand being patient when you are angry
He told you that you annoyed him with your clinginess
He doesn't miss you like you do everyday
He never really want to go out with you and be happy with it
He doesn't have the effort to reach out to you
He doesn't care what you're feeling and why
He doesn't look at you like the best thing he has ever seen anymore

I should stop. You would cry if I write more. I know you, me.

I know you miss him like crazy
But bear with it, okay?
You will get over it.

Always stay strong for yourself, please.

No matter how many times you tell me
I won't believe you
Because lips can lie
Unlike your eyes
Your deep, mesmerizing eyes.

When you look at her
It is different
It is full of passion and happiness
And interest and warmth
And delight and love
And loss
I can see that.

You said
I like you
But that did not make me feel happy
Not even the slightest
Because what matters
Will and always be your eyes
Your deep, mesmerizing eyes.

For a while
I thought you're into me

And now I'm disappointed

I shouldn't have done that in the first place
Right?

i am not a poet
and certainly don't know poetry
but i can surely delineate
how your words
agonisingly tattooed to my heart
imprinted letter by letter
exclusively said to tatter
the bruised, hammered, worn-out, puny
piece of flesh under my ribcage

i am not a poet
and certainly don't know beautiful words
but i can still depict
the way i fall hard for you
once upon a time ago

That is the case, for us
We are two very different individual
We are unique by our own and
It is true that you enchanted me with your mind
So distinctive and complex and odd and intriguing
Yet beautiful
But it tortures my heart
A tactless and indifferent and apathetical
Soul
Always ravaging me
In ways that
Dismembered my limbs
Disfigured my being
In ways that people can't see
In ways that only we
Can do to each other

I don't want to force the Universe, you know
Because sometimes
Even the people who love each other very much doesn't get to be together

You're the nearest
We will ever be
To a star

and then I realised I'm alone

**** that I'm always lonely

there is no one who really cares about you

only you think of yourself as a princess

treat yourself like you deserve it

when you're just trash to everybody else

something that everyone needs to throw away

you're alone my dear friend

                                                  which is why you're talking to yourself now









p/s: please remind yourself that you're not a princess. it disgusts me

I am fighting with myself

whether to continue believing that you are the love of my life and somehow we will be back together
someday

or you are just another person
happens to cross the same street I did
and be together for a while

God, I miss you

and I don't know if I will keep on missing you

or I just have to wait until my heart gets tired of missing you
and then stop

that smile lights up the world
brighter than the sun did

that hair looks like perfect waves
washing me away

that mind intrigues me
making me addicted to his thoughts

I can finally call you mine

How could you leave me alone still feeling sad. Seriously how could you

I thought you love me

Be ready for the eruption
Be ready for the wipeout

For we humans are mere mortal
Death is always but far

Be ready for the cleansing
Be ready for the disaster

And as you walk out that door
Know that the Grim is passing by


Unlucky are you who did not discern
The signs of the time ending

have you ever wondered if something happened the other way around?

you know,
if he just choose you instead

but wouldn't it be a disaster honey?

you know what you're like
overly attached
clingy
sensitive

you see
God planned things beautifully
and i know
the last thing He wants is for you to get hurt
so at least trust Him now

you'll be fine
i promise

i wish you were here

it wasn't all bright and jubilant
it wasn't pretty
it was grim and ash grey
and drops of blood
on the corner of our bedsheet

rip out my heart
beat the **** out of me
and then let your warm lips rest on my head
tell me you love me still

I don't wish to unmeet you

you remind me of love that was real

but I wish for time to pass a little faster now

because I miss you so

There are times when I am not okay
when I'll just lie on the floor
at 2 am in the morning
crying

but I swear to you I'm okay

most of the time

but sometimes
I just happen to think of you
it is really painful
to think
that you don't want me anymore
but I'm still hoping

I'm sad because it was unfair
for me
to want you more than you want me
to still imagine our future together

I love myself
and that's why I'm leaving you

actually you left first but you just didn't tell me

even if it breaks me
into pieces
I am not coming back to you
I am not begging for a place in your heart anymore

Send a bouquet to my room
Prepare breakfast in bed
A surprise back hug is also great

Tell me I look beautiful
Give me a surprise peck
I’d be delighted with a chocolate bar too

And on my birthday, can i have a big balloon with my name on it?
I’ve never had one
I know I always say I don’t want it but actually, I really do

And when I’m tired, it’d be great if you ask me how am I doing
A shoulder massage perhaps?
It would be greaaaat

Oh I also thought my face changes quite obvious
How come no one knows I’m broken?
With my fake porcelain face, I’m smiling at you, telling you that it’s fine



Is there anything wrong with me
Am I expecting too much
I kept on hoping people to do those things for me
And I never get it
Everyone else can even get 3 at a time
What is wrong with me?
Please tell me if I’m simply not worth it
Maybe if I die only people appreciate me better

i hope thats the look of regret
i hope you see how happy i am
i hope you get what i wished for endlessly when you broke me
i hope you’d die with regret forever in your heart

remember the time I made your assignment for you
that was an attempt to make you fall for me again
or at least like me (?)


a few days ago
i did something similar to that
i can hear joy in his voice

i am just frustrated why cant you seem to see the effort i put in you before, how desperate i was to get your attention, how pathetic i was, to do all of that and you are still okay
unaffected
its not fair for me
my heart was destroyed

and you're fine

Under the umbrella as it rained
At the tip of your wet shoulders
I could feel the slightest tremble
That’s how close we were
At the bus stop as it rained
Your eyes that looked at me
Do you remember?
The stories we shared all night

Rain is falling, again today
A painful rain
Like the day I let you go
Rain is falling, yet again
Preventing me from sleeping

I think I still
I’m still waiting for you
On that rainy night
We were in love
Even until the end
You worried about me
You held me

Rain is falling, again today
A painful rain
Like the day I let you go
Rain is falling, yet again
Preventing me from sleeping

I think I still
I’m still waiting for you
Nothing lasts forever
Is that why we went wrong?
Nothing lasts forever
Is that why we were so happy?

Rain is falling, again today
A painful rain
Like the day I let you go
Rain is falling, yet again
Preventing me from sleeping

I think I still
I’m still waiting for you

Have you ever heard a joke made when someone’s trying to hide their sadness?
Did you notice their voice breaks at the end?
And their hands too, it just tremble ever so slightly
And you see their eyes well but the lips
The lips never lie
You can see it
Disgusted
Frustrated
Powerless
Smiling
How, oh how does a bitter smile is supposed to seal the joke and make it funny and make everyone laughs and everything okay again

I remember the days when I pray
For things that I have today
For people that I love and loved by
On the floor, silently crying in the middle of the night

For a person to always choose me
For a love so pure
For a life so happy
And I am grateful for your gift oh Lord

Now I have no more doubt
My place on this Earth, I’ve known
By your side, always smiling
No more blindly reaching out
To a love that never existed
Everything is okay now

I believe we have a fixed amount of everything
That was determined way before we were born
I believe we may have a certain amount of feelings
To be felt while we’re here

What if I’ve used up all my happy
You made me feel such high
You were intoxicating and dreamy
Why did you say goodbye?

Like the earth that gravitates
That is how i knew
That every single leaf falls and I will never notice it
It was you all along
To the ends of the Earth
And the lengths of Heaven
I am always in awe of you
Through the pain of walking on burning coal
I would still say your name
That is how much you mean to me and why am I still suffering


One day I will meet you
And we will be mesmerised
We will be together
We will be eternal