all those times I thought
I am the second option; I was right
For the first time since I left
I use your weather app today
Not knowing your name shows
on the URL tab
I kissed it anyway and I did not know
My eyes would give in
I havent grieved the loss of you
I really haven’t got the chance
to cry my heart out
When i decided to leave
I miss you so ******* much
I miss you Moe
My throat prevents me from breathing
It’s stupid writing all these
journals with nothing but you about you
Even after knowing that you
would never get to read a single word
Even after i die these thoughts
will be buried with me
They will took my heart from
my ribs while putting me on the casket
But my heart has been long gone since
The muscle beating inside me now is fake
The real one was given away and
taken by you
Oh right i saw you online last night
I forgot why i was so scared to
check my phone during midnight
So i stayed at my workdesk
entire shift everyday pretending
the world is round
Cause how can I live Moe
How can i continue to exist in
a world that does not have you
It’s worse than dying alone
I wonder how you look right now
Are your eyes still brown
Is your hair still uncut
Your beard growing around your face
I so badly want to touch your
mustache
And kiss the top of your nose
Which you so badly hate
Do you still talk to her
Are you happier now
Is she making you laugh
Does your cold heart grow warm
whenever she’s there
Does it beat like you said it did
when i called you daddy
I bet it did
You never really want me
I was fool to believe for a second that
Finally someone loved me the same way
I loved love
I should’ve woken up
I should’ve known i dont deserve to be loved the way
I loved you
Im a cheater
A liar
A manipulator
I take advantage of how people feel
and use it to my own benefit
I dont have a pure heart
I’m broke
Even God tried to fix me
And I still managed to wreck me
over and over again
One thing I asks is to never know
What you truly feel about me
Imagine how painful that would be
To find out the person you wanted the most
The only one you want to marry
Who consumes your mind and soul
Morning noon night
Doesn’t even give a **** about you
So if the impossible happens
And you get to read this journal
Please be kind and don’t tell me
how you really feel
Save yourself the trouble
But if i’m given a second to see you
I would shout I love you Moe
If I’m given a minute to sit beside you
I would hug you until you faint
I would go back to 2019 where everything was okay
And I would look for you just to tell you I love you
I love you
Its you I was searching for
My soul must be made for you
But that’s a lie
If it were true
Your soul would have been glad
when it find mine too
I don’t have my stuffed toys with me
Cause they would remind me of you


Funny because my bf gave them to me
I’m the worst

Why did you look at me like
I was the person you’ve been waiting for.
Your line goes “just trying to be found in the ocean of people”

And i love oceans. I hate people.
Yet i found you
i wanted you i never want to walk away
I saw hell in your eyes
and I loved it anyway
You’re the most beautiful person I know
and you look cute acting insecure
with your nose
I thought I could stay as a friend
but finding out you face timing someone else
wreck me ****
Who knew it would hurt that much my heart
stopping me to sleep
I had to tell you I must leave
But you wouldn’t gaf
Lately you’ve been giving me
breadcrumbs so now you wont have to
waste energy in throwing the leftovers
of your time after you
spend it with her
A girl inside me wants to force
you fight you to choose me but that’s wrong
So I will keep walking away
I will always see you as someone
who got the ick but couldn’t tell her you
Don’t like her anymore
Maybe you’re emotionally unavailable that
every time i ask you to push me away
you only want to pull me closer
Why did you have to contact me
why did you have to reach me when I already ghosted you
Why could you not leave me alone when you never wanted me in the first place
Why did you make it feel like we are meant to be
You have no idea how much i feel for you do you
The devil couldn’t get to me so he crossed our paths knowing i would leave everything i would forget everything I’ve ever known just to be with you!
My fault
I genuinely believed you was sure of
me as much as I am to you

You wanted to be found but not by me
Not by me.

I love you til the day that i die
this song playing in the background
But please let not this be me.
The world is ****** up
we are the epitome of impossibility
you do not want me
And I am still obsessed with you.

You’re muslim I’m christian
You read Quran I’m in love with bible
You had never tasted love
Im with someone for 5 years
You’re left brain smart and I’m overdramatic
You hate cheating and im a cheater
2018 i found Jesus
And you were still Hopeful of life
Maybe you were the faceless person
That fills up my prayers
Maybe I prayed for your safety
For the best to come
For hope
2019 instagram yours and my first post
Both 20 but
Our paths never crossed until 5 years later
I hate your name
Until I see you wearing it
My name was never on your lips
Even when were on the phone
You must really love her
Even calling another girl
Feels like cheating
Your name tattooed on my mind
My keyboard
My playlist
My life
And I still hate it
It rhymes with the moon
Now I look at it
And never not think of
Your first smile
Your eyes
Your voice
Your shoulders
Your hands
Your feet
Your skin
Your hair
Your insecured nose
You
Just you
All i want
Is you
No one else
I dont deserve you
Im the worst person
To ever live
I dont deserve love
And i will die
Still loving you in my memory
In my pages
In my pens
I told you of my poems
Of my songs
And you never care
To read and to listen
I poured out my heart
And you never care
To look at the spill
Mess i am
One last time
I love you
I loved you
I still love you
I will love you
On my deathbed
Your name will be my last breath
I wont forget


It seems that in the end
I love you til the day that I die

One thing i could hope is that
i wont be ******* myself with writing these
**** the grammar
the structure and ****
i want to express myself and thats it.

Theres indeed a lot of things i want to say
giving it all to him would mean
throwing the little self respect
i have left straight out the window

I avoid the moon
My love is not mine all mine
I avoid taking pictures
Who am i showing them to

You have no idea
You’re the only person i want to marry
You’re the only man i want my daughter to look like
But ill just let you live

And keep these thoughts to myself
Every once in a while
I rerun all our conversations
Thinking which day which word

did i make you Unlike me
And every once in a while
I become aware
That the right person would never not like me

You hurt me so many times
You disrespected me
You don’t miss me
You don’t give a **** of what i am doing right now

How does this ****** up heart still search for pieces of you
How could i still love you

I badly want to lie about going back to him
Because I wanted it to be you
So so bad
But guess what
I went back to him
While my heart my soul are on you
I close my eyes just to spend time with you
In my dreams
I daydream everywhere i go
Thinking you’re with me in this miserable life
Im mad
A lunatic
But every once in a while
I get to remind myself
That you don’t like me
I am dead to you
I hear your voice saying those words
On repeat
You take me for granted
You treat me far worse than your forgotten clothes
Yet my heart still hopes of your return
Wake up
Stop
Pathetic little girl
I love you
In a month
I found you in the ocean of people
But it wasn’t me you want to be found with
I wonder how long would it take me
To get out of this hyperfixation
How fast could i unlove you
Next month
Will it be next year
Will it be 44 seasons from now
And i wonder
How fast did you forget me
Thinking i am still inlove with my ex
Not knowing i only wanted you

Patiently waiting
For the day when I could finally hear
My heart beating without you