i chose to lose
turned my wounds into a map
navigating my pain
through routes to hurt you
realizing i was just out
to bruise my own heart

i used to believe
wearing armor
will protect others
from what I could become

and vulnerability stings
but you've shown me
strength through disarming armor
is just a way to soften
without breaking

retribution fed
by memories as sharp as knives
where time, being the unsung hero
exhibits that pulling the knife
just makes the bleeding worse

in time i must let go
of the scales weighing our past
for what i have done
i will dive deep for coins
throughout my lifetime
in the depths of your sorrow

i don't know what to say when it rains
long pressed backspace
retract every word that comes out
of my mouth that you used to kiss

walls used to have my back
but at the same time, they hinder
my part to let go for once
and peek over the other side

to ask

"will it rain?"
"will i see the sun?"
navigating the weather might be hard
but one thing's for sure
home is where you set foot
with your smile i stay warm
in your presence i find shade

i'm tired of keeping myself from others
it's just so ironic to rationalize
is it for them to be safe from me
or to save myself from them?
this everyday heads-or-tails situation
makes me wish that everywhere i go
is a lawless place where i can just be
or something
or someone
i could find solace from
like a pillow in an empty room where i sleep
but as always
it turns out
this room's too small for people to break down my wall
just as how the rain expects her tears to reach my skin
only to end up on my umbrella
as my desolate eyes stare
to the manhole on the road i walk
wishing to throw myself in it
to consummate its term
thinking at least
i made sense once in my life

I didn't die
Why am I still so angry about that?