This is not a rhyme
this is not a poem
there is no hidden messages between ambiguous word
or conveyed through complex metaphors
this is the tears of my heart
bleeding
fuelling me
so that I can find the courage to speak
to speak the words of my soul
the words I've been dying to say
... no
to scream!!!
The words I've been dying to shout out
as a proclamation to the whole world...

I DON'T LOVE YOU
I DON'T because I don't know what love is
but I do know you make me wonder
you make me philosophize about it
about what it feels like
I DON'T know what love is...
but you make me feel
something that must be close to it
...
if not better

I think about you ALL the time...
there is not a moment that passes where I don't think of you...
not a single message from you at which I don't smile
not a single night where I hate the dawn of sleep, because it means goodbye
ALL OF MY FRICKEN POEMS ARE ABOUT YOU

last night when you were here...
in the three seconds that we kissed
in those mere blinks of an eye
when our lips softly brushed
... I was paralysed
... It was the first time in my life where my mind was COMPLETELY quiet
the first time I didn't instruct myself through a kiss
and just let go...

now your scent is stuck to me...
I smell it all the time
the smell is intoxicating
and I think of you with every breath I take
unwillingly falling further and further into your arms...

and so I call you...
just to hear your voice...
just to hear you laugh at what I say...
because hearing your voice makes my day...
the sound of your laughter...
it's a toe curling
goosebump-giving
heart-wrenching
pulse-rising
start-smiling
start-crying
but never nail baiting...
because I know you hate that
... sort of sound.

and I envy the guy who is lucky enough to have you
I envy him with all my heart.
I have a bitterness towards him compared by only few...
and a sadness towards you compared to no other greatness...

why can't you see
that his love for you is not...
nor will it ever be...
the same as my NOT-LOVE for you

can't you see he doesn't give you the romance and the happiness you deserve
the laughter and the acceptance and the complete free will...

can't you see that I adore you
... so much so that I have turned into this monster who envies...
one who feels bitter towards someone he has never met!!!

I am lost without you...
I want you...
I need you...
I want to need you...
I Better-than-love you
I xoxo you and mwa you
forever and continuous
(not-)love (- but better)
me...

I call out to lonesome mountains
and hear them crying back
there voices filled with bitterness
choking through the tears

My voice is getting hoarse
taste of copper in my mouth
yet I'll continue calling
knowing tis your humble abode

I call to trees and cobble-streams
to drew drops on the dancing blades
of grass and leaves and such
and finally to you

And when they all call back to me
and echo replies in song
somewhere among my tear-filled words
I hear your yearning heart
calling out for loving hands
to cradle and to comfort
to fulfil in its demands

and when souls meet in calling
between the mountains and the streams
slowly angels falling
as rays of ecstasy gleams

your voice meets with my echo
and makes me think of you
and elevates my heartbeat
when I know
your calling for me too

In nights most darkest hours
when all the worlds asleep
I leave my shadowed stage
and gently start to weep

I cleanse my soul with saline drops
to befoul it yet again
in front of atlas and his wait
the world and all its men

my mask grows painful
a burden in my chest
fake a life I never knew
removed, and I forget the rest

And sheltered in the alleyways
in the scourge of all man kind
there I felt your touch
as your hand slipped into mine

the prince of the sun
then span his golden wings
and took me from my misery
and all those other things

and now in midnight hours
I lay bundled in your arms
after you threw away my mask
and kissed away my qualms

and now I shine the brightest stars
and I play the play for you
you became my audience
the only bliss I knew

I take the time
to take a breath
and pull my self together
in the pauses in our conversations

Every pause hurts more
every pause a reminder of the third wheel
the longer the silence of the passing time
the more the sting in my heart

I desire your undivided attention
but I'm partly a third
a second division
not deserving of your full magnificence

I struggle with these pauses
I struggle with your heart
I want to be your one and only
but we are just a pause apart

The rays of the full moon bleeds into my heart
and I smell you on the fabric of my clothes
and I shiver at the mere thought,
that you scare me to death

I let it go
I felt the pull of the ocean on your lips
I let it go
As thoughts dissolved in my mind

for the first time in years I felt alive
I remembered the confusions of love
the depression of fear and rejection
and the sting of tears in my eyes

three seconds of heaven
three seconds of quiet bliss
then you pulled away
and left me asking....

why

Tonight
whilst the moon shine full and bright
inspiration hits
flows down on silver light

It dances in my thoughts
provokes my thinking
my reasoning becomes irrational
and it's all because of you

for weeks on end
the words were few
the illness of my mind
was still fresh like morning dew

but then
out of nowhere...
on the sound of your voice
my muse came waltzing
and it's all because of you

heart beats faster,
sorrows grow fainter
and I give in to the unconditional inspiration
called love

and I thank you now with words
with which abundance flows
with the emotions you bring forth
with time, it grows

thank thee my love
thanks for the cure to my disease
thank thee my love
as I write these words to please

Every Friday night I cry myself a river
As I lay and reassess my life
the weeks I work on end
the fears I have to face
The weight on my shoulders , bearing me down
and no way
no way
to relieve my pain

Mamma doesn't get it
she thinks you can shout at your heart
"Stop loving, Stop loving !!! JUST STOP!!"
but you can't ...
I can't do this anymore

Every day I walk past the pills and blades and potential nooses
every day I banish my dark thoughts, with promises of a better future
but there is just no such thing
I am not a kid anymore
I doubt I ever was
I'm just one of her dolls

wait till my heart stops beating
wait till the life is out of my eyes...
dear mom
maybe then you'll love me
maybe then
when my Friday night tears are frozen
on my porcelain cheeks
forever