I met you when my heart was torn into pieces,
you helped me to heal myself.
& I know, God must be loved me so much,
He gave me you in my process of my healing.

I left you twice because I'm an ungrateful little *****.
Even inside my heart tells me not to do that.
Even my heart knows, you are the right one.
but me? still being a fool.

& now I came back, and you? you're not even noticing.
well, God must be loved you so much,
He saved you from me.
Because He knew, I'm not even close,
to deserve you.

2016 is coming to its end.
If someone ask me about my achievement this year,
I will tell them, how this year taught me a lot.

I broke up with my 2-year-boyfriend.
I fell for someone who had the idea of the perfect boyfriend, but sadly I cannot fall for him completely.
And finally, I realized that I fell for my best friend.

This year taught me not only how I jump into people's hearts.
But, it taught me about finding and losing people.

It's funny when I first try to move on from my ex,
And God give me that Taurian, who perfectly describes the guy of my dream.
But, I could never fall in love with him.
So I walked away.

That regret came to my mind.
Maybe I could just try to fall for him.

But, nahhh.
Love is not something to learn about.
It's a feeling. And your heart would know when it comes to "the one".

In the late July, I realized that I fell for my bestfriend.
I thought it's only a crush or something temporary.
But, finally I realized, it's him.

For once in my life, I could finally be sure of someone.
I'm no longer hestitate things, I do believe that the one exists.
It's funny how all the pain just instantly erased from my mind and my heart.
And I just fall for him.

I never thought that I would have this sweetest guy,
I never thought that we could be together right now.

What I learned from this year is,
I believe good things really take time.
I believe for everything bad that could possibly happen in your life, something good will eventually come to you.
I learned to give myself a break, and take time to figure things out by myself.
What I want and what I need in life.
I learned that not everything you captured perfect in your mind will always be the one that you want and need.
Maybe it's just not it.
I learned not to lower my standards, or my tolerancy,
I learned to respect and value myself more.
I learned, someone that is all I ever wanted is really do exist.
I learned everything is possible.

*My dreams is no longer about freedom or travelling the world, I dream about home. About him.

I met the love of my life.
The man I've been looking all my life;
He's my Autumn, my favorite season, my comfort;
Something that I would not trade for anything.

The man that makes me believe that love could be this magical,
The man that makes me believe that the one really do exists,
The man that makes me feel like a little girl who fall in love for the first time,
The man that makes me fall head over heels, all over again, everyday.

He shows me that to love someone is not to hurt myself.
I'm the happiest when I'm with him.
He helps me to love myself better, he helps to believe in myself.

He's not only my love,
but he's also my best friend.
The one that I always want to talk to,
The one that I always want to be with,
even when I don't have anything to talk about.

He's everything I could ask for,
the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

*He shows me that I could fall this hard,
and love this deep.

2019 almost come to an end.
-
This year,
I start off with some things that are new in my life;
a boyfriend, a new business & a partner.
& also I realised things that I forgot these past few years.
to not take things for granted & be more grateful,
to cherish & finally read some books,
oh, and to write.*
& I want to end this year well.

I have a letter for my 25-year old me that I wrote 5 years ago;
& surely I will updated it next year,
I will talk to 19-year old me; update her with my life.
Well, I got 7 months to do some heroic stuffs so she won't that disappointed with 25 year old version of herself.

Time do flies.
& sometimes I don't know how I got here.
I don't know how I finally can overcome my problems back then.

2019 is a much better year.
but yet, I haven't get used to this adult life.
I ramble for no reason & I got no point.
I just updating about how 2019 treated me.
I'm still hanging, guys.

”you don’t change a bit. Do you?”;
-You said it for the fifth or maybe sixth times, last night.

Well, it’s only been six months.
& I question myself while looking at you.

Puzzled.

For *who the hell are you.

Well it’s only been six months.
& I didn’t even recognize you.

I didn't say that I stop loving you.
I didn't say that I don't want to fight for us.
I didn't say that I got enough.

Everything is just not in our favor anymore.
Everything is falling apart;
and I didn't know where I am.

I still remember the days,
when we had our times together.
when the Neptunes gives me you.
I still remember the day,
when I know you are everything that I could ask for, in life.

Time flies.
We may walk in two different paths.
and I blame no one.

I pray for you every night to my God.
and I believe you do the same.
Maybe His authority is greater than our love.
I don't know.

I never met someone like you before,
who makes me fall head over heels;
makes me feel so loved.
makes me feel like I never loved before.
and I can't thank God enough for you.

We may walk in two different paths now,
but I hope you would always remember me
as someone, you loved once.

We may not hold each other's hand and sail the sea now,
but always remember we had our chances, once.

I can't believe it's over now.
For God's sake, I threw 3 dimes into the fountain last Autumn.
Again.

They must be laughing by now.
who tells you to believe in such a myth
but, I do.
Even just for a year,
I know for sure, that we loved each other so much.

2nd of February would be our mark,
that we would be there for each other
as best friends.
yes, we're back to the very start.

*I Thank God that you are my best friend.

So I kiss you good bye.
I thank you for all the pain,
the tears,
the lessons,
and the broken heart.

So I kiss you good bye.
I thank you for all the happiness,
the laughter,
the memories,
and the love.

So I kiss you good bye.
because this is the end.

As far as I can remember,
8th of May was my unlucky day.
I found myself awake, up all night
4 years ago
With tears in my cheeks;
Looking at the window,
looking up to the stars.
giving up.
Love was never really worth the fight
At least, that’s what I thought that night.

4 years later,
today
When I thought that I have found someone that completely know me,
& love me,
Turns out,
Today, I also shed a tear.
Maybe today is as disappointing as 4 years ago.
Maybe love is never really worth the fight.

She can finally accept the fact that love doesn't mean you have to have that person.
She can finally understand the fact that love is about letting someone go for their happiness.

& she is finally realized that she would be very happy and relieved when finally, he is happy with someone he loves.

As simple as that.

I love you
more than you could ever know

I love you
more than you could ever imagine

it is like keeping myself eating cakes,
so addictive.
I couldn't stop even it can make me diabetes.

When he kissed her lips,
"You're a good kisser", he said.

Doesn't he know
That she's a great lover too?

I don't know whether it is the empty street,
Or the empty heart,
That makes me feel so lonely.

I don't know whether it is the cold wind,
Or the uncertainty,
That makes me feel so dizzy.

I don't know whether it is the rainy days,
Or this pain in my heart,
That makes me feel so cold.

All I ever know is I love you.
& that's the only thing that matters right now.

I want to sit in a cafe,
in a rainy day,
where there is a big window on my side,
and I sip a cup of hot coffee,
let my mind wonders,
scribble some poems,
read books,
listening to my favorite songs,
and sitting in a comfortable silence.

I want to take a long journey with a bus,
and I will sit on the second deck,
then let my minds busy with stuff.
some 'what-if's scenario may come to my mind, but I don't mind.

I want to sit on a skyscraper,
gazing those city lights,
where I can leave my phone off,
and just being alone with my own self.
Thinking about the past,
Dreaming about what about to happen,
Enjoying my time alone with myself.

an agnostic bad boy;
Chinese & full-tattooed all over his body;
the life of the party;
a vape pod or two in his pocket.

as arrogant as the Pharaoh,
tattooed on his forearms.
as ignorant as he can be,
doing whatever he loves.

reckless & stupid;
what the ****.

Dear Aphrodite,

What is love?

For all those poetry I’ve written,
For all those wise words I’ve said,
Seems like, it is me, who doesn’t know anything about love.

For God’s sake,
I’ve wrote those poetry with all my heart.
I cry my heart out.
I cry to the world, how in love I am that night.

For God’s sake,
I told everyone all my theories about love,
How love will find its way back,
How love will light up your world.

Aphrodite,
When I talk about love;

How can I forgot about the pain it follows?

A long walk that night,
Guide me to a place
That I’m not too sure whether I should step in or not.
it is Aphrodite’s temple.

I start blabbering about love.
All of my theories;
All of my beliefs.
She listens without any word comes out from her mouth.

It continues;
I strategically points out those rhetorical questions that I know I didn't need her answers.
I tell her about the pain;
And those broken hearts;
That love lies.
It hurts;
And it destroys.

But again, I didn’t need her answer.

I said, I once believe in love.
But when I talked about love, how can I forget the pain it follows?

Be my 2 pm thoughts,

When I'm wondering,
If you are doing fine,
Have you eaten your lunch?
How's your day?
Are you tired? Or sleepy?
Have you got enough sleep last night?
What are you having for lunch?
Are you thinking about me too?

Be my 2 am thoughts

When I'm wondering,
Do you love me as much as I do?
Are you dreaming about me?
How do I look in your eyes?
Do you miss me?
Do you know that I love you a bit too much?
Do you know that I'm so grateful to have you in my life?
*Do you know that you are exactly what I've been looking for?

When people change,
and the feelings fade,
Everything is not in your favour anymore,
and you can't even compromise,

Would you stay for the sake of your comfort,
& tolerate even if it is hurt?

Or would you get up,
and move on?
.

The more my heart gets hurt,
The more I hurt their hearts.
&
The colder my heart becomes.
-

you count day by day,
waiting for your best day,
waiting for your awesome moment.

you don't realise,
that you're actually wasting your time,
you're taking everything for granted..

someday, just someday,
the moment that you think,
will be going on like that, everyday..
it suddenly it stops,
and you miss those days..

and you start counting days,
to wait, when will those days will be repeated..

*and that day,
you realised, you're wasting your life to count days.

"Cry yourself to sleep, listen to a lullaby,
Sweet dream, Princess; if it's your only escape..
Make it a sweet escape."

"Cry yourself to sleep, let your tear pour
like rain outside your window..
Princess, it's okay to cry, it's okay to feel the pain.."

"Cry yourself to sleep, mend your own broken heart,
give it a chance, endure the pain,
Cry don't make you a crybaby.."

"Cry yourself to sleep, Princess.
Save your smile for tomorrow, No one care how you feel,
Have a big heart.. Smile even if it hurts.."

"Cry yourself to sleep,
no one would save you, no one could, and no one may..
it's you who stand up for yourself. Get up, Princess.."

"Cry yourself to sleep, Princess..
you know, a little glass of ***** won't hurt you,
get drunk, then sob.."

"Cry yourself to sleep,
from now on, forget about your Prince Charming ;he's lost, or dragon already ate him,
save yourself,Princess.. save yourself.."

"Cry yourself to sleep,
but don't hurt yourself, Princess ;He doesn't deserve your pain, or your blood.."

"Cry yourself to sleep, Princess..
but for god's sake, he doesn't care.. so what for?"

Cry yourself to sleep, Princess..
It's okay. Do everything that relieves you.
Today was tough enough.
And you need a rest.
Cry yourself to sleep.

Cry yourself to sleep, Princess..
As today was not so friendly.
As everything is a lie.
As everything is a disappointment.

Cry yourself to sleep, Princess..
treat yourself with a glass of beer or two.
When there's nothing more to hold on to,
now learn to let go..

Cry yourself to sleep, Princess..
Let all the pain, all the sorrow blown away..

Cul De Sac.

If someday we meet
at the end of the road,
and finally we see
that it's a dead end road.
and we can do nothing but stop,
please promise me,
you will break the wall,
or build a bridge,
or open the gate,
or anything else..
so we won't ever stop.

Cul De Sac.

if someday we meet
at the end of the road,
and we finally see
that it's a blind alley.
and we can do nothing but give up,
please promise me,
that we'll strengthen each other,
we'll motivate each other,
we'll love each other,
so we won't ever give up.

*Cul De Sac.

I blew dandelions;
In a meadow here we are.
In love.

What else I could wish for?

I blew dandelions;
Without saying any wishes,

Call me naïve,
But if I had you,

what else I could wish for?

Don't date a guy who won't make time for you.
Don't date a guy who makes you feel unworthy.
Don't date a guy who can't appreciate your feeling.
Don't date a guy who can't accept you the way you are.
Don't date a guy who makes you insecure every single time.
Don't date a guy who breaks your heart everyday.
Don't date a guy who can't make you feel that you're the only one.
Don't date a guy who makes you wanna **** yourself.
Don't date a guy who makes you drink a beer to stop your tears.
Don't date a guy who is too cocky to say sorry.
Don't date a guy who can't understand your words and your silence.
Don't date a guy who is stupid enough to let you go.
Don't date a guy who is temperamental.
Don't date a guy who can't treat you right.
Don't date a guy who treats you like ****.
Don't date a guy who breaks you apart and can't mend it.
Don't date a guy who doesn't know how to make you happy.
Don't date a guy who doesn't make you feel loved.
Don't date a guy who makes you cry every night.
Don't date a guy who let you sleep in your tears.
Don't date a guy who kills you slowly.
*........

Dear you,
If someday you finally open my page,
and found a bunch of poems that I wrote about you,
Please don't mad.
I really don't want you to read these crap,
I tried to change my username and web address; but still, can't.

Dear you,
If someday you finally read all of my feelings, all of my hopeless poems;
leave it there.
Try not to talk about it; try not to question me about it.
leave it there.
Pretend that you didn't read any of those;
Pretend that you didn't try to search my name on google.
leave it there.

Dear you,
but my feelings are true.
all of my poems are about you,
*but please leave it there.

Someday,
When I found another missing puzzle
That you've been hiding this whole time;
It won't ever be affecting me anymore,
I don't even give a ****.

I've been giving you my time,
For you to tell me the truth,
The real story,
The fact.

*..And you don't even worth my time.

Have you talked to the moon recently?
Stop.
Don't listen to her,
because I told her everything about us recently.

I told her,
how much I love you,
and how much I adore you.

I told her,
that you are snoring in your sleep,
and you such a sleepyhead.

I told her,
that I'm so lucky to have you.
and I would never want to trade you for anything.

Don't ask her,
*I wanna tell you myself.

As I walked down memory lane yesterday,

I heard him said, "don't get lost".

I realized & laughed.

they said,
Dreams are alternate realities.
different realities.

is it true that dreams are our realities in the parallel universe?

because it feels..
.. so real.