It's been a year since I wrote my last poetry.
You can tell, how sad,
how uninspired,
how broke,
how am I such in deep, deep sorrow.

I always see myself as a nomad,
I always up to a new place, and new adventure.
then why when I need to move from Singapore,
I can't stop the tears.

I live on 40th floor of an HDB near Holland Village.
The market where I always buy my roasted chicken rice
and my teh-peng is only 3 mins walking distance.

If I need to go to my University, I will need to walk around 5 mins to the bus stop and catch bus number 74.
It's not that efficient because the bus will go along Buona Vista and Dover. But I don't really mind because I love sitting on the bus, listening to my playlist and let my mind wander.

I'm taking Marketing Degree from SIM Global University, one of the Top Private University in Singapore.
I will never forget the classes, the lecturers, my friends from all across Asia, my Indonesian friends, the canteen, and of course the projects and exams.
I will never forget that around 3 pm, me and my friends will go directly to the canteen on the Blok B and buy Kopi Peng together.
Oh, and sometimes we also buy chicken-popcorn and chicken-seaweed.

Around 8 pm, if we haven't finished our project, we will directly go to Holland Village, and chope seat on Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf.
We will stay there- sometimes just to hang out and laugh together and sometimes we really really concentrate to finish our project until 2 am.
I still remember there was a moment when I'm really stressed out with project, and I cannot smile anymore.
With my oversized tee, shorts and hoodie, I go to the barista there, ordering iced Caramel Macchiato,
He tells me, "would you smile if I give you marshmallow?"
I smiled, and he gave me a cup full of mini marshmallows.

Sometimes, when I got no money left, I will order the small cup of iced caramel macchiato. but he free-upsized me, and I will still get the regular ones.
I miss when the life was so good to me.

My friend and I have our favorite diner, Char-grill Bar that has the best Chicken chop and teh-peng.
I swear until now, I still miss the taste of it.

I'm not a club-kinda-gal. I prefer bars.
So when I want to get a little tipsy, and I want to get a nice beer and talk,
We will go to ******* or the other local bars.

There was those time, when my friends and I feeling active, we will rent a bike around Changi,
but most of the time we prefer went to Starbucks and gossiping for hours.

There is a Bingsoo place behind Bugis Junction that opens for 24 hours. Usually, after we study on the National Library near that place, we will grab something cheap to eat. Then have a long break at the Bingsoo place for a nice chat before we take Uber to get home.

I once joined the Dragon Boat team from my University, well it only lasted for maybe 2 or 3 meetings until I gave up.
But for around 2 years I was the Student Representative of my University. So I lead the Campus Tour and go to Secondary Schools around Singapore to promote my University.

I will never forget the rainy days,
when I don't need to go to a class, I will curl up in my bed, ordering McWings and Iced Milo from McDonalds, or Swiss Shroom from FatBoy's, watch a lot of romantic comedies or youtube, and not showering the whole afternoon.
or when I have class on that day, I will run with my navy blue umbrella and navy blue slippers to catch the bus.

I have a member card on the Gardens by the bay, I always spend my alone time there,
or if not, I will be on the top of the Esplanade, where I can see the panorama of Singapore.
from the very left side, you will catch the Singapore Flyer,
then in the middle, you will see the Singapore Art Science Museum and Marina Bay Sands, Singapore's CBD Area, then the Merlion, the majestic Fullerton Hotel, lastly it is the Esplanade.

Almost every single day I go to the mall.
I don't why, but me and friends always, always go to the mall to watch movies or rent PlayStation, or I don't know- sometimes we just have nothing to do, and just hanging out together.

I was living in Singapore for 3 years.
Singapore gave me a heartbreak that I never forget;
Best-friends and a lot of friends that I cherish;
A new opportunity that gave me a life lesson;
A love that I know it is true;
A home that I can never imagine;
Memories that I can never forget;
A life lesson that God wants me to learn;
and a very grateful heart that my God is my provider, as He never ever leaves me.

I will never forget that I always have my pocket knife in my hand, especially when I walk alone in the dark.
I will never forget the friends it gave me,
I will never forget how frustrating it is to have no one by my side to count on,
I will never forget the city lights that I see from my window.
I will never forget that it all so beautiful.

well, Life goes on whether we choose to stay or not.

I will never forget those moments,
those routines,
that I thought it would last forever.
Well, like The Wise Man said,
"All good things must come to an end."

P.S
9th January 2018
10:41
*(Singapore Time)

When I look at you,
I remember my last Summer.
When I spend a day in Rome,
that day was so hot,
I was wearing stripes tee and Adidas cap,
Not a cute outfit, I admit.
Under the Sun, I walked by the crowd.
it was Fontana di Trevi
throw your dimes into the fountain, they said.
one dime, then you will go back to Italy.
two dimes, then you will find your true love.
Well, I've been always a fan of this superstitious thing,
Whenever I find a wishing well, or anything that will grant you a wish,
I'm on it.
So I turned my back to the fountain, and I threw two dimes behind my shoulder.
All at once.

And this Autumn, *I have you.

You are my once in a Blue Moon;
My Pleiades in the Autumn Sky on the Northern Hemisphere.

I would bridge you closer to Chimera,
I would borrow the shine of the Sirius,
I would shelter you with the Cumulus,
I would spread your colors to Nacreous Clouds,
I would paint you the Aurora,
I would wait for the Total Eclipse for you,

And I'll steal the Neptune's power;
to show you,

I love you till the Sol dies.

Have you talked to the moon recently?
Stop.
Don't listen to her,
because I told her everything about us recently.

I told her,
how much I love you,
and how much I adore you.

I told her,
that you are snoring in your sleep,
and you such a sleepyhead.

I told her,
that I'm so lucky to have you.
and I would never want to trade you for anything.

Don't ask her,
*I wanna tell you myself.

She probably shouldn't talk about him ever again,
Since she is the one who left him without a trace.
She probably should leave him alone,
and stop regretting things that happened because of her own fault.

But today, please let her ramble about him.
For the very last time.

When she met The Taurian that Summer,
She thought nothing would ever happen.
A little chit-chat here and there,
Laughing for some high school memories,
life update, and lastly, a few selfies won't hurt anybody.

Before he left her at the MRT Station, he said that,
He would go to Japan. For 6 months.
She nodded.
She didn't notice,
that he will be the one that haunts her mind for a good 3 years.

They texted like crazy.
He never dates anybody before,
She might be the first gal that showered with his attention.

It was all making her so happy.
Well, she thought she fell for him.

That one night, She received a postcard from him
the one that she puts on her bible.
& other night, He sent her a Merry Christmas note with a big Christmas tree in Osaka, Japan.

But then, she left him.
She left him;
She thought, she loved him.
She thought everything that she ever asked for is that Taurian.

But he isn't.

He is indeed haunting her mind.
He is indeed making her sorry.

But maybe it's too late.

I wanna write a love poetry.
A cheesy romantic poems, just for you..

A love story that makes you excited,
makes you envy,
makes you thrilled.

The best romantic story you've ever read,
The best you've ever heard.

A perfect picture of romantic situation,
A flawless moment.

All the sweet moment you've ever wish for,
All the thrilling moment you've ever imagine

A poem that makes you dream,
and smile,
till you fall asleep.

a 'happily ever after' kind of ending.

*...which never exist.

Don't date a guy who won't make time for you.
Don't date a guy who makes you feel unworthy.
Don't date a guy who can't appreciate your feeling.
Don't date a guy who can't accept you the way you are.
Don't date a guy who makes you insecure every single time.
Don't date a guy who breaks your heart everyday.
Don't date a guy who can't make you feel that you're the only one.
Don't date a guy who makes you wanna **** yourself.
Don't date a guy who makes you drink a beer to stop your tears.
Don't date a guy who is too cocky to say sorry.
Don't date a guy who can't understand your words and your silence.
Don't date a guy who is stupid enough to let you go.
Don't date a guy who is temperamental.
Don't date a guy who can't treat you right.
Don't date a guy who treats you like ****.
Don't date a guy who breaks you apart and can't mend it.
Don't date a guy who doesn't know how to make you happy.
Don't date a guy who doesn't make you feel loved.
Don't date a guy who makes you cry every night.
Don't date a guy who let you sleep in your tears.
Don't date a guy who kills you slowly.
*........

I heard him,
Telling stories about her..
How much he loves her,
How much he misses her,
How he cried for her,
How he stared at her..

I smiled,
I hope someday, I will find that one.

The one who will love me that much,
The one who will miss me, as much as he do.
The one who will cry for me,
The one who will stare at me, like the way he stares at her.

I hope I will find someone who will make me think that
"he is the one",
And make me feel that
"I am the one".
.
.

Someday,
When I found another missing puzzle
That you've been hiding this whole time;
It won't ever be affecting me anymore,
I don't even give a ****.

I've been giving you my time,
For you to tell me the truth,
The real story,
The fact.

*..And you don't even worth my time.

She is a story-teller;
She told him everything and every single random thoughts she has.

She told him about her story,
She told him about her day and night,
She told him about her dreams,
She told him about her thoughts,
She told him about her anger,
She told him about her confusion,
She told him about her past and plans,
She told him about her favorite football player,
She told him about her belief and faith,
She told him about her sadness and everything that bothers her,
She told him about her stupid jokes,
She told him about everything.

*except her feelings to him.

Maybe, I'm tired.
Maybe, I don't give a **** anymore with your opinion.
Well, Maybe, We're *******.

I thought, we trust each other,
but 'TRUST' is never that easy.
We both wild and free. We never take things too serious.

I thought, we love each other,
but 'LOVE' is never that simple.
We both young and unexperienced, We don't know much.

I thought, we will last forever,
but 'FOREVER' is a very very long time.
We don't know how to commit with only one person, We are too scared and weak.

Maybe, we are too tired to find the way out.

After all this time,
All this pain,
This stupid tears,
This broken heart,

It's always been you.

After all of my madness,
All of my ignorance,
All of my rejections,
All of my anger,

It's always been you. Still.

I just...
don't want you to hurt me again,
**carelessly.

You are the most wonderful thing that could possibly happen in my life.
Seeing you as my boyfriend, is something that I never expect to happen before.
You are my comfort zone,
Something that I would not trade for anything.

I'm so picky when it comes to a good book.
But I know for sure, our story is the one that I definitely want to read.
Not only the synopsis or the first 29 pages, I promise I will read the entire book.
From the prologue, when we met from the very first time,
To the epilogue.

I love you so much and I really want to see us in the future, together.

When he kissed her lips,
"You're a good kisser", he said.

Doesn't he know
That she's a great lover too?

Cul De Sac.

If someday we meet
at the end of the road,
and finally we see
that it's a dead end road.
and we can do nothing but stop,
please promise me,
you will break the wall,
or build a bridge,
or open the gate,
or anything else..
so we won't ever stop.

Cul De Sac.

if someday we meet
at the end of the road,
and we finally see
that it's a blind alley.
and we can do nothing but give up,
please promise me,
that we'll strengthen each other,
we'll motivate each other,
we'll love each other,
so we won't ever give up.

*Cul De Sac.

love bites,
love hurts,
love fools,
love deceives..

love *****,
love disappoints,
love betrays,
love complicates..

love breaks,
love ignores,
love kills,
**love destroys..

The opposite of happiness is never sadness,
or pain,
or blue,

It is always indifference.

In this lonely Saturday evening,
I want to tell you a story..

I want to tell you about
what will happen to Cinderella if the Prince Charming doesn't find her..
what will happen to Ariel if she doesn't have a courage to be human..
will Belle marry Gaston?
and if there's no true love's kiss, Will Snow White and Aurora sleep till forever?
what if the Prince can't find Rapunzel's tower?
what if Jasmine will never open her heart?
and what will happen if Tiana **** the Prince Frog instead of kissing him?

*What if?

I met the love of my life.
The man I've been looking all my life;
He's my Autumn, my favorite season, my comfort;
Something that I would not trade for anything.

The man that makes me believe that love could be this magical,
The man that makes me believe that the one really do exists,
The man that makes me feel like a little girl who fall in love for the first time,
The man that makes me fall head over heels, all over again, everyday.

He shows me that to love someone is not to hurt myself.
I'm the happiest when I'm with him.
He helps me to love myself better, he helps to believe in myself.

He's not only my love,
but he's also my best friend.
The one that I always want to talk to,
The one that I always want to be with,
even when I don't have anything to talk about.

He's everything I could ask for,
the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

*He shows me that I could fall this hard,
and love this deep.

Cry yourself to sleep, Princess..
It's okay. Do everything that relieves you.
Today was tough enough.
And you need a rest.
Cry yourself to sleep.

Cry yourself to sleep, Princess..
As today was not so friendly.
As everything is a lie.
As everything is a disappointment.

Cry yourself to sleep, Princess..
treat yourself with a glass of beer or two.
When there's nothing more to hold on to,
now learn to let go..

Cry yourself to sleep, Princess..
Let all the pain, all the sorrow blown away..

I am sad and cold.
What should I do?

I am broken and hurt.
What should I do?

I am stupid and despair.
What should I do?

I can't see the light,
I can't see any hope.

Where is the spring?
Where the birds and butterflies fly together happily.
Where the flowers and trees grow up beautifully

Well, maybe it will be a long winter.
with hurricane, and storm.
Well, maybe it will be a long rainy day.
with thunder and lightning.

They promised me a rainbow.
They lied.

"Can I hug you?",
He said.
She smiled, then hug him tight.

He always loves her hugs,
But she thinks, it's much more than that.

His hugs,* makes her feels like she's at home.

So I put my *** on the bar stool,

"hey! scotch and soda please!"
a moment later, he pass my order,
"thanks!"
He flash a smile, and keep busy with his job.

"you know.. it's been a long week," I start my story,
"I have a lot things to do in school, and him.. OH MY GOD, Him!! I don't understand why he's so rude to me. He doesn't care with my feelings, he doesn't appreciate me at all..."
I sip my scotch a bit.

"...So, about last Saturday, I told him that I missed him, oh yeah! he told me that he missed me too.. but you know, he didn't give me his time to at least talk in the phone. What the ****. I don't need his stupid words tho.."
I sip my scotch a bit.

I look at the barista for a moment,
He looks at me in the middle of mixing the drink,
well I don't care if he doesn't care with my story.
I just need to tell my problem to somebody.

"you know, I'm trying to be a better girlfriend.
I'm trying to stop flirting around or fooling around with other guys,
I'm trying to be more tolerance and ****..
but seems it's all useless.."
I sip my scotch a bit.

He stops mixing the drink,
and now he's wiping the table while looking me in the eye.

"Sometimes I think that he forget how to use his brain.
because every time there's a problem with us, he can't analyse by himself,
he keeps asking the same question. And I'm so tired you know??
I'm so tired explaining the same thing all over again.."
I sip my scotch a bit.

He still looks at me without a word.

"And you know, I wish he looks at his self in the mirror.
It's not me who's messing around. It's him too!!!!
I want him to reflect, how he did to me is really breaking my heart.
I wish he's standing in my shoe, so he knows how much pain I have to endure while I'm bearing with him..
I wish he would ever know.."
I sip my scotch a bit.

and before I open my mouth for another complaints,
he cut my words and say,

**"how much longer will you hold on? why are you still there?"

Never knew I would meet you today,
Never knew meeting you could be this breathtaking..

Maybe I just miss you?
If that is okay..

As I walked down memory lane yesterday,

I heard him said, "don't get lost".

I realized & laughed.

Truth to be told, 2016 also surprised me.
I always thought that no one could ever love me better, and 2016 prove me wrong.
I met an old friend of mine in the late 2015. Who knew, he's the one who replace you in my heart.

You are right, love will find its way.
But, this isn't love.
Love is about take and give.
it's about companion and commitment.
it's about respect and equality.

I laugh at yourself too.
You are too busy to take me for granted, till you don't know where it all began.
It proves that you didn't care at all.

I already warned you thousand times,
If it's over, then it's over..
You don't need to cry because it's too late.
You don't need to beg because everything has changed.

It's not about  him.
It's about how you treated me when I was there for you.
and you are.. no good.

Dear you,
If someday you finally open my page,
and found a bunch of poems that I wrote about you,
Please don't mad.
I really don't want you to read these crap,
I tried to change my username and web address; but still, can't.

Dear you,
If someday you finally read all of my feelings, all of my hopeless poems;
leave it there.
Try not to talk about it; try not to question me about it.
leave it there.
Pretend that you didn't read any of those;
Pretend that you didn't try to search my name on google.
leave it there.

Dear you,
but my feelings are true.
all of my poems are about you,
*but please leave it there.

2016 is coming to its end.
If someone ask me about my achievement this year,
I will tell them, how this year taught me a lot.

I broke up with my 2-year-boyfriend.
I fell for someone who had the idea of the perfect boyfriend, but sadly I cannot fall for him completely.
And finally, I realized that I fell for my best friend.

This year taught me not only how I jump into people's hearts.
But, it taught me about finding and losing people.

It's funny when I first try to move on from my ex,
And God give me that Taurian, who perfectly describes the guy of my dream.
But, I could never fall in love with him.
So I walked away.

That regret came to my mind.
Maybe I could just try to fall for him.

But, nahhh.
Love is not something to learn about.
It's a feeling. And your heart would know when it comes to "the one".

In the late July, I realized that I fell for my bestfriend.
I thought it's only a crush or something temporary.
But, finally I realized, it's him.

For once in my life, I could finally be sure of someone.
I'm no longer hestitate things, I do believe that the one exists.
It's funny how all the pain just instantly erased from my mind and my heart.
And I just fall for him.

I never thought that I would have this sweetest guy,
I never thought that we could be together right now.

What I learned from this year is,
I believe good things really take time.
I believe for everything bad that could possibly happen in your life, something good will eventually come to you.
I learned to give myself a break, and take time to figure things out by myself.
What I want and what I need in life.
I learned that not everything you captured perfect in your mind will always be the one that you want and need.
Maybe it's just not it.
I learned not to lower my standards, or my tolerancy,
I learned to respect and value myself more.
I learned, someone that is all I ever wanted is really do exist.
I learned everything is possible.

*My dreams is no longer about freedom or travelling the world, I dream about home. About him.