an agnostic bad boy;
Chinese & full-tattooed all over his body;
the life of the party;
a vape pod or two in his pocket.

as arrogant as the Pharaoh,
tattooed on his forearms.
as ignorant as he can be,
doing whatever he loves.

reckless & stupid;
what the ****.

they said,
Dreams are alternate realities.
different realities.

is it true that dreams are our realities in the parallel universe?

because it feels..
.. so real.

As I walked down memory lane yesterday,

I heard him said, "don't get lost".

I realized & laughed.

How dare I dreamed about you last night?*

I scrolled through our conversations 5 years ago as soon as I woke up.

I read our fights and finally, our goodbyes.
It funny that I still felt the pain.

I told you in one of our last conversations,
that "I regret all those 2 years with you, & if I can go back I will not waste my time to be with you."

I lied.

You are one of the best things that ever happened in my life.
You are a sure thing, hurt me so deeply; but you are the lesson that I glad that I went thru.

I enjoy every second with you. & I did love you so much.

You are irreplaceable.
& I have no regret, none at all.

Both are speaking in two different language.
Nothing really connects.
Both cannot put themselves in each other's shoe.

It has no rendezvous.
then, what for?

Life taught me hard,
To love myself more,
To stand alone,
& To be enough with myself.

I learn to take care of myself,
Even if the world is against me.
I learn to enjoy myself more than I am with people.

I learn to prioritize my insanity than anything in the world, just because I deserve to be the priority of myself.

I am the one that all I’ve got.

All I have is myself.
& That should be enough.

2019 almost come to an end.
-
This year,
I start off with some things that are new in my life;
a boyfriend, a new business & a partner.
& also I realised things that I forgot these past few years.
to not take things for granted & be more grateful,
to cherish & finally read some books,
oh, and to write.*
& I want to end this year well.

I have a letter for my 25-year old me that I wrote 5 years ago;
& surely I will updated it next year,
I will talk to 19-year old me; update her with my life.
Well, I got 7 months to do some heroic stuffs so she won't that disappointed with 25 year old version of herself.

Time do flies.
& sometimes I don't know how I got here.
I don't know how I finally can overcome my problems back then.

2019 is a much better year.
but yet, I haven't get used to this adult life.
I ramble for no reason & I got no point.
I just updating about how 2019 treated me.
I'm still hanging, guys.

We have been really caught up in the World these days.
All we’ve been watch or read or think about are all about terrors;
wars;
tragedy.

We let our mind busy,
We let ourselves think & worry too much.

We often forget that we need to feed our mind to keep it sane.
We deserve to get our time alone,
To just breath, to just contemplate about life.
To seize the day.
To be grateful.
.

When people change,
and the feelings fade,
Everything is not in your favour anymore,
and you can't even compromise,

Would you stay for the sake of your comfort,
& tolerate even if it is hurt?

Or would you get up,
and move on?
.

It is always a perfect sunny day before a dark stormy hurricane.

Love is always the prettiest right before you finally disappointed, again.

As far as I can remember,
8th of May was my unlucky day.
I found myself awake, up all night
4 years ago
With tears in my cheeks;
Looking at the window,
looking up to the stars.
giving up.
Love was never really worth the fight
At least, that’s what I thought that night.

4 years later,
today
When I thought that I have found someone that completely know me,
& love me,
Turns out,
Today, I also shed a tear.
Maybe today is as disappointing as 4 years ago.
Maybe love is never really worth the fight.

The opposite of happiness is never sadness,
or pain,
or blue,

It is always indifference.

I blew dandelions;
In a meadow here we are.
In love.

What else I could wish for?

I blew dandelions;
Without saying any wishes,

Call me naïve,
But if I had you,

what else I could wish for?

She said,
she loves stargazing.
she spends hours to look at the sky.
& talking,
& contemplating.
She loves night sky,
where only she, the moon & the stars blink.

But doesn't she realise that,

The Sun is also a star?

I want to wake up in Singapore.
Open my window and feeling the hot Sun on my face.
Thank God it's a clear blue sky. No haze, no anything.
Just a really hot Sunny day.
I order dumplings, char keow teow and teh peng in one of the hawker place.
What a pleasant breakfast before I walk into a local coffee shop to sip a glass of iced Caramel Macchiato.

I want to spend an afternoon in Volendam.
Feeling the ocean breeze & the Sun on my face.
I want to eat fresh Seafood platter & a bottle of beer for my lunch.
& walk around the local shops & buy cute souvenirs.
I will take a break and sitting by the deck. In quiet.
Even everyone around me is pretty loud.
I think I will live here when I get old.

I want to spend an Evening in Rome.
Just walk out from the Vatican, and now I'm in Rome.
I want to ride my bike to the wondrous Fontana di Trevi
I will get there before the Sun in down so I have the chance to take photos before everything gets dark.
I'm not going to throw pennies on it. No.
I will only see the magical statue & lick my Gelato over here.

I want to spend a night in Paris.
It never be my first love,
but when I step my foot for the second time,
seeing all these beauties, I fall in love.
I fall in love with their arrogance & their ignorance.
It would be a cold night, with a little bit of drizzle.
It's what they always said right?
Rainy midnight in Paris is always magical.
I will get a nice dinner near the Eiffel Tower,
leaving myself in awe,
sipping my red wine,
before I finally walk to the Icon of Paris.
Maybe I will take a boat tour, maybe I just will spend a night at one of the parks, looking at the Tower.
Before finally, I walk to one of their antique yet beautiful shophouses.
& call it a night for today.

Shoot your gun on 05.40,
then it will says:
"Happy 1/4 of Century"
to you.

Open the book,
& I wrote "Serenity Prayer" to you.
Godspeed, man!
take it as your guidance, as your life shelter.
as God will always be with you.

Big balloons of 25 will be waiting for you in your room,
while your Mom talks to you,
I will inflate it,
pick up your Strawberry Cheesecake &
your gift.

Nothing special really,
I give you customised embroidery art of
"Aquila" Constellation.
& Dylan Blue, as you want me to pick up a perfume for you.
So, Versace it is.

I never really thought,
there would be another project.
But pardon me & my brain, they keep rambling about ideas
& I cannot stop myself from doing all of these things.

This is not just for you.
but also, this one is really for me.

XOXO,

But then,
I always come up with an idea
That love
Is never worth to write about.
Love
Is all that destroys you
Love
Is all that drains you

All the pain
& the bitterness
is always because of
Love.

"I love you,
please don't leave me.",
he said.

I smiled.
I reply nothing.

For all my life,
I used to be that someone that said,
"I love you too."
"it's always been you."

I once to be that person who gave those empty words,
as I live happily after they left me.

I didn't see the need of giving those *******
to you;
as you are the one I care about.

I cannot lie to you;
& to myself.

But, I promise you,
for sure;
when I do really love you.
& I do really want to live my life with you in it,
Every day.
I'll let you know.

-

”you don’t change a bit. Do you?”;
-You said it for the fifth or maybe sixth times, last night.

Well, it’s only been six months.
& I question myself while looking at you.

Puzzled.

For *who the hell are you.

Well it’s only been six months.
& I didn’t even recognize you.

The more my heart gets hurt,
The more I hurt their hearts.
&
The colder my heart becomes.
-

She probably shouldn't talk about him ever again,
Since she is the one who left him without a trace.
She probably should leave him alone,
and stop regretting things that happened because of her own fault.

But today, please let her ramble about him.
For the very last time.

When she met The Taurian that Summer,
She thought nothing would ever happen.
A little chit-chat here and there,
Laughing for some high school memories,
life update, and lastly, a few selfies won't hurt anybody.

Before he left her at the MRT Station, he said that,
He would go to Japan. For 6 months.
She nodded.
She didn't notice,
that he will be the one that haunts her mind for a good 3 years.

They texted like crazy.
He never dates anybody before,
She might be the first gal that showered with his attention.

It was all making her so happy.
Well, she thought she fell for him.

That one night, She received a postcard from him
the one that she puts on her bible.
& other night, He sent her a Merry Christmas note with a big Christmas tree in Osaka, Japan.

But then, she left him.
She left him;
She thought, she loved him.
She thought everything that she ever asked for is that Taurian.

But he isn't.

He is indeed haunting her mind.
He is indeed making her sorry.

But maybe it's too late.

Sometimes
love means taking a step back
or two.

There is nothing
in this world
that is meant for you;
can be taken from you.

if it is meant to be;
then it will be.

and.. if she’d ever lose again,
for the second time;
to the same woman.

please tell her,
that he doesn’t deserve her.
please tell her,
that he is not the one.

please let her cry;
but again,
tell her,
that he is not,
and will never be
the one.

A long walk that night,
Guide me to a place
That I’m not too sure whether I should step in or not.
it is Aphrodite’s temple.

I start blabbering about love.
All of my theories;
All of my beliefs.
She listens without any word comes out from her mouth.

It continues;
I strategically points out those rhetorical questions that I know I didn't need her answers.
I tell her about the pain;
And those broken hearts;
That love lies.
It hurts;
And it destroys.

But again, I didn’t need her answer.

I said, I once believe in love.
But when I talked about love, how can I forget the pain it follows?

Dear Aphrodite,

What is love?

For all those poetry I’ve written,
For all those wise words I’ve said,
Seems like, it is me, who doesn’t know anything about love.

For God’s sake,
I’ve wrote those poetry with all my heart.
I cry my heart out.
I cry to the world, how in love I am that night.

For God’s sake,
I told everyone all my theories about love,
How love will find its way back,
How love will light up your world.

Aphrodite,
When I talk about love;

How can I forgot about the pain it follows?

I didn't say that I stop loving you.
I didn't say that I don't want to fight for us.
I didn't say that I got enough.

Everything is just not in our favor anymore.
Everything is falling apart;
and I didn't know where I am.

I still remember the days,
when we had our times together.
when the Neptunes gives me you.
I still remember the day,
when I know you are everything that I could ask for, in life.

Time flies.
We may walk in two different paths.
and I blame no one.

I pray for you every night to my God.
and I believe you do the same.
Maybe His authority is greater than our love.
I don't know.

I never met someone like you before,
who makes me fall head over heels;
makes me feel so loved.
makes me feel like I never loved before.
and I can't thank God enough for you.

We may walk in two different paths now,
but I hope you would always remember me
as someone, you loved once.

We may not hold each other's hand and sail the sea now,
but always remember we had our chances, once.

I can't believe it's over now.
For God's sake, I threw 3 dimes into the fountain last Autumn.
Again.

They must be laughing by now.
who tells you to believe in such a myth
but, I do.
Even just for a year,
I know for sure, that we loved each other so much.

2nd of February would be our mark,
that we would be there for each other
as best friends.
yes, we're back to the very start.

*I Thank God that you are my best friend.

I've always been in a hunt on a perfect teh-peng.

Toastbox's
& Ya Kun’s are my favorite.
I never drink that perfect combination of iced tea, sugar and milk since I got back here.

I cross around the city,
I went to almost every Singaporean's and Malaysian's restaurant in here,
But nothing can compare to Yakun's
Or even Toastbox's.

I know,
It's only a glass of milk tea,
What makes it a big deal.

I spent 3 years living in Singapore.
& almost every day I got a glass of teh-peng everywhere I go.

& 3 years for me is enough to learn and know which teh-peng is the best;
which is the worst.

Now, it's already been a year since I left Singapore.
& truth to be told, I already forgot how it tastes.
I already forgot how it always makes my day.

*How can you miss something, that you already forgot how it was?

It's been a year since I wrote my last poetry.
You can tell, how sad,
how uninspired,
how broke,
how am I such in deep, deep sorrow.

I always see myself as a nomad,
I always up to a new place, and new adventure.
then why when I need to move from Singapore,
I can't stop the tears.

I live on 40th floor of an HDB near Holland Village.
The market where I always buy my roasted chicken rice
and my teh-peng is only 3 mins walking distance.

If I need to go to my University, I will need to walk around 5 mins to the bus stop and catch bus number 74.
It's not that efficient because the bus will go along Buona Vista and Dover. But I don't really mind because I love sitting on the bus, listening to my playlist and let my mind wander.

I'm taking Marketing Degree from SIM Global University, one of the Top Private University in Singapore.
I will never forget the classes, the lecturers, my friends from all across Asia, my Indonesian friends, the canteen, and of course the projects and exams.
I will never forget that around 3 pm, me and my friends will go directly to the canteen on the Blok B and buy Kopi Peng together.
Oh, and sometimes we also buy chicken-popcorn and chicken-seaweed.

Around 8 pm, if we haven't finished our project, we will directly go to Holland Village, and chope seat on Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf.
We will stay there- sometimes just to hang out and laugh together and sometimes we really really concentrate to finish our project until 2 am.
I still remember there was a moment when I'm really stressed out with project, and I cannot smile anymore.
With my oversized tee, shorts and hoodie, I go to the barista there, ordering iced Caramel Macchiato,
He tells me, "would you smile if I give you marshmallow?"
I smiled, and he gave me a cup full of mini marshmallows.

Sometimes, when I got no money left, I will order the small cup of iced caramel macchiato. but he free-upsized me, and I will still get the regular ones.
I miss when the life was so good to me.

My friend and I have our favorite diner, Char-grill Bar that has the best Chicken chop and teh-peng.
I swear until now, I still miss the taste of it.

I'm not a club-kinda-gal. I prefer bars.
So when I want to get a little tipsy, and I want to get a nice beer and talk,
We will go to ******* or the other local bars.

There was those time, when my friends and I feeling active, we will rent a bike around Changi,
but most of the time we prefer went to Starbucks and gossiping for hours.

There is a Bingsoo place behind Bugis Junction that opens for 24 hours. Usually, after we study on the National Library near that place, we will grab something cheap to eat. Then have a long break at the Bingsoo place for a nice chat before we take Uber to get home.

I once joined the Dragon Boat team from my University, well it only lasted for maybe 2 or 3 meetings until I gave up.
But for around 2 years I was the Student Representative of my University. So I lead the Campus Tour and go to Secondary Schools around Singapore to promote my University.

I will never forget the rainy days,
when I don't need to go to a class, I will curl up in my bed, ordering McWings and Iced Milo from McDonalds, or Swiss Shroom from FatBoy's, watch a lot of romantic comedies or youtube, and not showering the whole afternoon.
or when I have class on that day, I will run with my navy blue umbrella and navy blue slippers to catch the bus.

I have a member card on the Gardens by the bay, I always spend my alone time there,
or if not, I will be on the top of the Esplanade, where I can see the panorama of Singapore.
from the very left side, you will catch the Singapore Flyer,
then in the middle, you will see the Singapore Art Science Museum and Marina Bay Sands, Singapore's CBD Area, then the Merlion, the majestic Fullerton Hotel, lastly it is the Esplanade.

Almost every single day I go to the mall.
I don't why, but me and friends always, always go to the mall to watch movies or rent PlayStation, or I don't know- sometimes we just have nothing to do, and just hanging out together.

I was living in Singapore for 3 years.
Singapore gave me a heartbreak that I never forget;
Best-friends and a lot of friends that I cherish;
A new opportunity that gave me a life lesson;
A love that I know it is true;
A home that I can never imagine;
Memories that I can never forget;
A life lesson that God wants me to learn;
and a very grateful heart that my God is my provider, as He never ever leaves me.

I will never forget that I always have my pocket knife in my hand, especially when I walk alone in the dark.
I will never forget the friends it gave me,
I will never forget how frustrating it is to have no one by my side to count on,
I will never forget the city lights that I see from my window.
I will never forget that it all so beautiful.

well, Life goes on whether we choose to stay or not.

I will never forget those moments,
those routines,
that I thought it would last forever.
Well, like The Wise Man said,
"All good things must come to an end."

P.S
9th January 2018
10:41
*(Singapore Time)