All I have left are
could have beens
and
what ifs
I wish I was still a zombie

Hi.

(It's been so long and I miss you so ******* much)

I figured I'd call you to cheer you up but you're not answering your phone

(I called because my will power ***** and I know you've been hurting. I'm crushed that you didn't answer because I just want to hear the sound of your voice so I won't forget what it sounds like. I miss that cherry pepper melody of compliments and lies.)

And mines almost dead

(Losing hope of finally hearing that song, so spicy and sweet)

and we're still four hours outside Minneapolis, so...

(Here comes four more hours of thinking about you and brooding about the past that I'll have to endure. Four hours of wondering what we would have talked about if you had answered.)

I don't know if you're sleeping or if

(I really hope you didn't see my name on your caller ID and endure the torturous ringing of that vintage telephone ring tone and feel the vibrations and hums of my call in your hands all the way up until now when I'm recording this message, because deep down I have false hope that you miss me as much I miss you. God, I ******* miss you.)

...

(Static/bad reception)

dead.

(Like I wish I was)

Talk to you soon maybe

(Maybe I will feel this brave tomorrow, or maybe I'll just regret leaving this message and never talk to you again. I haven't decided yet.)

Have a good day at school

(I wish you still told me every detail about your day. I wish I was still sitting next to you and holding your hand and not able to keep my hands off your *** as you told me about your classes.)

tomorrow*

(Tomorrow never seems to go as planned.)

I was born blind
I can wait for somebody to
put their sight in my sockets
But then
how will they see
what I see?

The last time I was here
your hand was in mine

I'm a feral child
and suddenly,
I'm home

I know I'm breathing
because when I tuck my chin
I can see my chest swelling

I know I'm alive
because if I weren't then
I wouldn't feel anything at all
I wouldn't remember anything

I wish I couldn't remember
I wish I couldn't feel anything at all
I wish I weren't alive
I wish I couldn't see my chest swelling
I wish I couldn't tuck my chin
I wish I wasn't breathing.

But I am breathing and tucking and swelling and living and feeling and remembering
everything all at once.

all the time.

And there is simply no worse feeling
than missing someone that doesn't miss you back

And there is simply no worse feeling
than gathering hopes from cherry trees and putting them in your basket to bring home with you
then gathering hopes from your basket and laying them into neat rows, smallest to biggest,
then looking at them and realizing they're not cherries at all, they're not even fruit, they're rocks.

No worse feeling...
than having all of these hopes,
hoping
that you wish you couldn't breathe, tuck, swell, live, feel, remember

Just like me.

But you'll keep breathing like me
and tucking your chin like me
and swelling your chest at the thought of another girl that's so unlike me
and living like me
and feeling what you used to feel about me for that other girl that's so unlike me

Unlike me.

I wish I was unlike me.

I wish you still liked me.

I might not be in the middle of a hurricane
But that doesn't mean it isn't windy
and it doesn't mean the constant rain
isn't making me cold
and it doesn't mean that the clouds
aren't making everything darker
than it should be
and it doesn't mean that I can't
see hail and sleet and snow
in the distance
and it doesn't mean
that I'm not dreading its presence
in my life.

I might not be in a hurricane
but that doesn't mean
the weather is nice
it doesn't mean a sight of the sun now and then
wouldn't suffice

However
If the sun says hello
I won't know how to greet it
I won't know how to look at it
probably not directly in the eye
because that would make me blind
more blind than I am now, anyway
and I don't know how I would spend my day
with the sun screening my back
I would probably just start running
so I could feel wind on face
because that's all I'm used to
and the wind is what puts me in my place.

The roses bloom every Spring,
though they look more beautiful
dressed in snow.
My rose is a sweet pale lady
taking me away from the
seasonal blueness of my history.

Nothing in my belly
but shadows and rivers

and I'm lucky
that all I feel is shivers

"I love you" is a great way to cover up that stupid line.
Don't be afraid of losing me;
that is worthless worry.

Sometimes things fit and sometimes they don't
I spend my life trying to put pieces together
and when they don't fit
I just tape them and glue them
and they look a mess, but they hold for now
and that's going to have to be good enough

Sometimes things fit and sometimes they don't
and this time they fit
perfectly.

I guess I like it better when they don't.

Missing that morning music with subtle beats,

but I can only hear mourning music with heavy harmonicas

Only real eyes
can make you realize
what lies beneath
real lies

You have beautiful eyes
     it's too bad you keep them closed
          and it's too bad you keep them clouded with tears
You have a beautiful mouth
     it's too bad you keep it closed
And I'm sure you have a beautiful voice
    but you glue your tongue to the roof of your mouth
And you probably have a beautiful body
     but you wear so many layers, nobody knows
And I know you have beautiful toes
     because you're never on them, you wave them in the air and show them off
And it's likely that your heart is heavy
    but you don't let people test its weight
And maybe your soul could be strong
     but you never let it out for exercise
And I'm sure other people could see you as I do, and feel the same way as I do
     but you never let them look at you

Because you live in the mirror
    and the only one that can see you is me.

I'm a dark horse, shining bright black;
not confident about my silent and unsuccessful deathly attack.
I know I'm out of wack and disturbing.
Come back and engulf yourself in my misery.
Be dizzy for me and be unaware of where you are anymore.
Make me your least favorite chore. Make me your dishes.
Fulfill my wishes that I can't even articulate to you.
Be my hue of indigo blue and continue to do what you so desperately don't want to.

I've never been a front and center dancer,
but my childhood reveries want me to be a star.
But instead I'm stuck sitting in a bar counting my internal scars;
like notches on the bedpost you imagine holding up your mattress on the floor.
I wish I could simply coast like everyone else,
but instead I exist only as a transparent ghost tentatively listening to everyone boast about how humble they are.
No one is a star and I can't even see a path to go far anymore.

So turn down my music and witness me slowly lose it until there's nothing left to lose anymore.
All that will be left is my protected core, naked and vulnerable.
I'm the bull forced to fight and you're my matador.
I wish the door to my heart wasn't permanently unlocked.
I wish you would knock on my mock turtle heart that you can somehow touch while we're miles apart.
I wish I didn't exist only at the start.

I made the slit
Dug my finger tips in the crevace
And pulled until the wound bled free
All you had to do was smear the blood on my face in the shape of a heart
I broke my heart over you
And now I'm all apart

This falling keeps me at peace,
because for one last moment
I am in one piece.
I am whole,
with the belief of no release.

Pain is the loudest voice in the room
It obliterates the survivors
and wakes the dead.

What's the point of sewn shut pockets?
To create an illusion
that there's always a place to
keep things safe.

They're sewn shut,
and you're not fooling anyone.

Rip the seems
and keep your possessions
safe and to yourself.

What's the point of pockets,
if they're always sewn shut?

You always bring me close enough
to see the whites of my eyes
before you shoot me.

You have a short
attention span but
that doesn't mean
what happens
minimally
is not beautiful.

Notice the details
as the universe
lays them before you.

You're ****** unless
you do a ton of blow.

Your hand on my lap forces the moon to flaunt its rays through the glass
on a moment that will soon pass,  
and your whispers hit me harder than the thunderclap's applause
as you sing about the Western Skyline with Dawes,
and the warmth your voice brings reminds me that
you're more beautiful than all of those pretty little things
anyway.

Things can fall apart so easily
but for some reason things never fall together
They can come together
You can put them together
but it's never as easy as if they were to just fall into place

And things can fall apart so easily
but once they have done so
it's almost impossible to put them back together
The pieces never seem to fit right
and you're reading a manual that some other person wrote
that says they know what they're talking about
but they never really do.

Things fall apart
They will never fall together
You can break them apart
You can take them apart
but don't expect the pieces to ever fit again.

I assume I'm just in appreciation
of the walkmen making their journey
from my home to the heart of Louisiana
or somewhere.

I am an onyx bird of unusual beauty
with a vision of being ceaseless.

I'm the dark horse without a fan club,
shining bright black.

You are the intelligence
behind the cellar door,
(the phrase in which
your life is written)

Clipped wings
     and soft paws.

Cut my fingers at the first joint
     and make me forget how to soar.

Take my weapons
     and means of escape.

I'm flying in circles
     and taking pit stops on perches...
          ...
               ...
                    ...

I'm defenseless
with nothing left to be condemned.

and the bottom layer, against my bones knows
that it's been a long time since I've anxiously awaited someone's response.

I always drop off,
maybe I jump.
All I know is that my cheek is forever grazing the pavement.

I never know if I jump or if I'm pushed.

Maybe because I can't feel anything all anymore.

and the harmless always skewer me with their words or
with their silent hearts.

and I try to decide if the red water I see is always blood
or if I'm just dreaming all the time.

It's been awhile since I've met a human that's not a stranger.
I'm forever a stranger.
I'm stranger than I even understand.

They're sparkling and the
drums don't lay all neat and
tidy under the melody, but
they still race along me in a
field behind you. But you
look back and they're black
to you. Hold me up. Let me
go. And my heart will race
under the sun, under me

What did you do today?

I am me

simple sentence

that no amount of words

can correctly interpret



you are you

you are different than me

simple concept

with a complex definition



we are close

but with a fair distance between us

these kilometers aren't always noticed

so you start your journey

over to me



eager at first

running at full speed

until your lungs shrink

and your pace slows



what you see in front of you

keeps getting further

it is just a mirage

you can't touch it

but you can see it

and sense its presence

and that will have to be good enough

for now.

Sometimes I turn my head and pretend someone's there.

sometimes...
i just wish.
i could be.
in a place.
with all white walls.
and all white tile floors.
                                                          alone.
and have big huge paint buckets.
with lots of colours.
and i could create my own world.
and live in it.
                                                          alone.
without a care.

My hands waltz
with my heart
when I'm at rest
with you

Coffee for two
all alone,
with rivers
of problems on paper
of a middle school girl.

We're a tragic
kind of magic.

I am the moon...
     watching over the world
     and making things cold...
          preparing life for the warmth of sunrise.

I'm looking at your face
I'm a creep from afar
You have no idea what I do at night
When all who is watching is up in the stars
And it's not what you're thinking
because I'm not like that
and you know that because I show that
But sometimes I think I shouldn't have
And sometimes I wish I could change
Everything about myself
So I could be more like your face
That I creep on with grace
I wish I could change
that I want to change
everything about my grace
Yes I wish I could change
because you want me to change
so I can end up in a different place.

Your kisses give me scars
when they break the skin
I hope you love the taste
of my salty blood between
your teeth;
sleeping on your gums

I won't say "
Happy New Year!"
because I am still waiting
for a new day to come.

I'm not good at affection
But I've heard it's a skill worth learning
So maybe I'll do some exercises
because practice makes perfect

Give some hugs
Look at eyes
Give some love
Say some highs

Then I remember;
It takes two to ****.

I asked what time is,
not what the time is.

...

Your body is rejoicing
within you.

...

...

There's always someone in this place;
This place never sleeps.

...

...

...

...

...

Munch munch munch on my heart
when you're bored

Standing tall
in a corner
that doesn't exist
at all

(So why should I bother brandishing my arms around
to get your attention?)

Some things work
and some things don't move at all

Remember that cogwheels
remain turning in every joint

I have sympathy for things that don't want it
and apathy for things that only want my sympathy

Yet I own no sympathy at all.

We were a cold case.
--emphasis on the "cold".

First the shove
Then the punch
Then the blow from behind the knees
Kick me when I'm down
Stand on my chest
Stick a stake in it
through my heart and into the ground

but if you leave I'll be suffering a slow death at best.
I just hope you don't hear my dying engine sound.

Not everything is coming together

but there will be performances anyway

improvisation

How old are you, again?

NoTimeNoTimeNoTime

Hello, I'm silent and weird

I hope you still like me

Actually I don't care

Come watch, Come wait, Come see

Come On