you know how badly i want you here
how badly i want you here
i want you here

say it again
say it again
again

how badly do you want me there
how badly do you want me
how badly

enough to come home
come home
come home
home

i am here
i am here

you know how badly i want you here
i will always be here
always

- p. winter

once upon a time
he would have pulled me down the hallway
away from all their eyes
just to hold me for himself

now we pass each other
without speaking a word
separated by all that we
will never again be

- p. winter

To breathe in phrases never said,
How woeful is the drowning.
To bleed only unspoken thoughts,
How painful is the sting.
No longer is my body filled with
Blood and bone and bile,
Only dances we will never dance
And songs we’ll never sing.

- p. winter

My tears are thick with anger,
Desolation blurs my view,
I want nothing you can offer,




Still my dreams are all of you.

- p. winter

Some people in the world are simply loved.
By everyone.
And usually they are the people who will become whomever the person in front of them wants them to be.
But even still, they walk through life and know that, whatever happens, they will be fawned over.
And it’s annoying but it’s true.
And they don’t always deserve it.
And sometimes you watch them change right before your eyes and think “how could I ever know which one of you is real?”
Like watching a chameleon change colours so many times you forget what it truly looks like.
But regardless, you fall for the version you get.
Because it is hand crafted for you.
Personalized.
And you wonder how you can be sure you love something so uncertain.
And then you lose it.
And you think… oh.
That’s how.

- p. winter

I shall not force your fist to uncurl,
But, should your hand open,
Of its own volition,
Mine will always be ready to hold.
How dangerous, my readiness
To be yours.

- p. winter

And how I’ll miss
Your hand around my waist
Pulling me in
Reminding me
Some part of me is good.

- p. winter

She will take you by the hand
And suddenly you'll understand
That all the pain in which you were
Was used to bring you here to her.

- p. winter

Can we afford the clemency
We grant unto ourselves
When giving in to hope and weak desire?

St. Anthony is weeping for
The pieces of my heart
I'm slowly losing sight of in the fire.

- p. winter

How heartbreaking,
They see us now
And think that we are strangers
Who never held each other
High above the city lights.
How sudden are the changes,
How short the autumn nights.

- p. winter

I miss you dearly.
You, the one who brought me
All the joy I needed.
The one with a twinkle in your eye
And the curiosity of life
That powered you through
The worst of days.
I miss you dearly.
You, the one whom no one in my life
Mattered as much as.
I miss the laughter we shared,
The smile on your face,
And the love for each other we cherished.
I miss you dearly.
You, the person I once was.
Won’t you come back to me
Again?

- p. winter

The strength is not my own
That saves me from surrendering at war.

I wake too soon from dreaming
My fragile armour shatters on the floor.

The calling of temptation
I’ve battled with a hundred times before.

The strength is not my own
That loves you just enough to close the door.

- p. winter

I still wear your shirt to bed,
Still have your voice stuck in my head.
I know I had to let you go
But how it breaks my heart to know
That you are slowly moving on.
I wish that I could be that strong.
Instead, I’ll slowly dim the light
And wear your shirt again tonight.

- p. winter

The loneliness of night settles down.
A star faintly illuminates
My slowly fading footprints
As I limp through the snow.
Without coat or shoes,
I let the cold
Consume me
One last
Time.

- p. winter

Let’s swing again on asphalt
To music only we can hear,
Or waltz beneath a tree of fireflies.
The schoolyard is a ballroom
When we let logic disappear
Beneath attraction’s innocent disguise.

- p. winter

The hours in the day
Seemed so few
Until I had to force myself
Not to fill them with your company

For when you were there
They drifted by so easily
And now they dawdle
As if mocking me in my loneliness

- p. winter

If time would do the honour
Of only standing still,
I’d rest in your protection
And never say ‘until.’

If time would do a favour
And give me one more night,
I’d close my eyes and will the sun
To never show her light.

- p. winter

Her kiss upon your cheek is but a petal in the wind,
And should you rid the feeling of it brushing ‘gainst your skin,
Do pray you ne’er forget it, lest one evening you begin
To miss that love so tender, for to hers is none akin.

- p. winter

tomorrow will he look at me
with pity in his eyes,
ignore my vulnerability
and entertain the lies
of how i can be flourishing
while my emotion dies,
or will he never look at all
and hope i understand what that implies

- p. winter

When I can’t keep reciting rhyme
While slowly giving in to time
With your lips gently touching mine
Why bother write another line?

- p. winter

To a fault I am wary
But if you could carry my eyes
You’d see life is deceptive
And so deeply buried in lies

Of happiness being
A destination to find
When I know it’s the memory
Of feeling your heart beat to mine.

Do the angels get tired of
Hearing your name find its way
Into every request they receive
When I kneel down to pray?

Will heaven remember
The sacrifice made on the day
You let go of my hand
And I watched as your car drove away?

It’s that time of the day when my eyes
Come to life in the light,
But without you to see it
They fade with the dark of the night.

Am I weak for how strongly
I long to turn wrong into right?
Does it hurt more to forfeit
Or watch ourselves die in the fight?

In the midst of the pain I’ll try
Not to lose sight of the fun,
But ignoring what’s true would be
Laughing while loading the gun.

For the knots that we tied with our hearts
Won’t be easily undone
And I’ll cry as I pick them apart
Wishing you’d been the one.

- p. winter

How much did the devil pay
To see me in your bed?
And how much would I offer him
To save the blood I’ve shed?
Will hell show pride or pity
When it takes us newly wed?
The flames can have my body,
For my soul's already dead.

- p. winter

I am the only one
Who will never leave me
A heartbroken mess.
So why am I
The hardest to love?
And why are the traitors
So easy
To fall for?

- p. winter

An ever curious vine
Whose tendrils intertwine
Is naught compared to
How your body
Tangles into mine.

- p. winter

with tears in my eyes i prayed

that the choice
would never before me sit

that the words
would never be torn from my lips

that ignorance
would never be more than bliss

and now, with prayer answered,
somehow it was more difficult
to hear it come from you

- p. winter

Love is walking away
To let the butterflies die
Before we have a chance
To die with them.

- p. winter

Feeling is weakness
And loving is pain:
A lesson I’ve learned
Again and again.

You’re gonna get shot
If you sit like a duck,
So put up your walls, baby,
Don’t give a ****.

- p. winter

I’m in your worn out sweaters
And tear stained letters,
All the dark sides of the moon.
In the leaves of fall
You can hear me call
On a breezy afternoon.
I’m the taste of honey,
But someday, honey,
You’ll be tasting someone new.
And I hope you tell „oh
The girl in yellow
Let me go
And grow
And feel the west wind blow
And somehow it led me to you.“

- p. winter

A mess of codependency,
Anxiety and jealousy,
I pray that you remember me.

A hopeless wreck that can’t allow
Herself to get up from the ground,
Remember me as I am now.

Watch me blossom, shine, and dance,
Dream and learn of true romance,
Be a witness to this change
As my own thoughts I rearrange.

You'll hear the difference in my voice
And feel the difference in my hands,
For I will prove I made a choice
To find the one I truly am.

Remember me in tears and stress,
Remember me at all my lows,
For I will morph and soon progress.
Remember me,
And watch me grow.

- p. winter

You will never be my other half
For I am already whole.
But I will gladly let you in
That we may be wholly in love.

- p. winter

I scream my love for you
In the canyon of your ribs

But all I get back
Is Echos.

For other explorers have been here before me,
Each one briefly passing through,
Taking a piece of you
As a souvenir.

And now,
You have no heart left
To love with.

My love bounces back.
Just an echo in the canyon.

- p. winter

as teardrops fall onto the pew,
i bring to Him my love for you,
each prayer from my lips a plea
to guide you safely home to me

- p. winter

I wake before the sun does now,
And I work until it sets,
I fill my planner with mundane tasks
To create the illusion of living,
I hand assignments in early,
I eat a healthy breakfast,
I match my socks,
I make my bed,
I brush my hair,
I smile at work,
I do everything I am supposed to do.
I look, at last, complete.

No more sleeping in
No more messy hair
No more mismatched socks
No more passion projects

No more passion


Textbooks sit where stories once did.
My record player has been unplugged to make room for new chargers.
My tap shoes gather dust.
I forget the lyrics to show tunes.
My plants have died in my neglect for them.
The music stand holds study notes.

Every fix I had to make
To become what I am told to be
Came with the sacrifice
Of part of my soul.

I have no time for singing,
I daren’t dance and waste a day,
My friends see less of me,
I make it home only to collapse
And pray tomorrow will hold a spare minute
For dreaming.

- p. winter

leave me once
shame on me
leave me twice
shame on me
leave me thrice
shame to think
i e’er believed
you wanted me

- p. winter

My room was once a mess.

Jeans and plants and records and books and rubik’s cubes and pens and playing cards and instruments and journals and sneakers and poems and photos and sheet music and candles and


My head was once full of music.

Show tunes and operas and flutes and guitars and jazz and love songs and hate songs and blues and ballads and choirs and organs and drums and jingles and


My life was once summer.

Friendships and ice cream and sunshine and bonfires and family and concerts and daisies and romance and road trips and skateboards and laughter and


Now I am empty.

Silent and wistful and jealous and solemn and broken and burdened and hungry and cold and angry and hurt and forgotten and fearful and weak and


My room is still a mess.

- p. winter

Each minute in his arms
Lets in another ray of sun.
I never knew that I could be so warm.

But the solstice is approaching,
The cold will soon return
And bring with it my hypothermic norm.

- p. winter

You know how I agree
That we were never meant to be,
But the nights I spent
Preparing to be yours
You didn’t see,
As I thought and prayed
And told myself
That you could possibly
Be worth the time
And worth the wait
And worth the misery.

- p. winter

the day i see your face again
and watch you turn away from me
i know my heart will not recall
that ever once you cared for me.

- p. winter

From this day on,
I promise to never let you spend another day thinking you are not worthy of love.

Even if, one day, I am the only one left who loves you,
I will give the love of a thousand hearts,
And you will never feel lonely
Again.

- Note to Self
    - p. winter

The pain-dissolving peacefulness
Reflected in his spoken word,
Ensures his voice could cure me still
If only for a moment heard.

The second is his gentle touch,
Consuming all my thoughts,
That has me plucking daisy petals
Skipping all “he loves me not”s.

The third is naught but gleeful,
For I love the way he laughs.
Each day I’d make a fool of me
To hear his joy in half.

He smiles, oh heart, be still, he smiles
And so the heavens dim,
To allow the glorious glowing
And the radiance of him.

His handsome soul is ageless,
Though the moon, alas, revolves.
I pray that I grow old to see
However it evolves.

Relentless in his courage,
I will never fear to be
‘Tween the arms of such
A strong and firm protector as is he.

Unceasing is the passion
And ne’er ending is the heat
In the conversations had between
The lips that itch to meet.

Giving, giving, giving
Never asking in return.
No contest for how warm his fire
So generously burns.

And oh, how calm, how safe it is
To feel his arms entwine

Over each and every pathway
In the crevices of mine.

At last, the most admirable,

The truest since the start,
For what I love the most is this:
He loves with all his heart.

- p. winter

When you held my hand did you feel
The callouses from the music I’ve played
The dirt from the trees I’ve climbed
The scars from the times I’ve fallen

Or did you feel only the warmth
Of something more than nothingness

- p. winter

I hope he never makes me choose
I pray He never makes me choose

- p. winter

Maria all but said goodbye,
Maria ran with haste,
Maria would at last receive
The love she loy'lly chased.
Maria left her life behind,
Without a chance to cry.
But Maria gave too much, too soon,
And watched her lover die.

- p. winter

I must be in denial.
I chose this for myself
And for you.
But if I saw you from across the room
I wouldn’t be able to look away.
And if I saw you on the street
I’d run and wrap my arms around you.
And if I saw you with another
I would freeze.
And remember.
And force myself to cross the street.
And force myself to look away.
I chose this for you
And for myself.
I must be in denial.

- p. winter