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Pen Lux Feb 2013
jelly bones cracked his wrist
and wouldn't go to school in the morning.
Kept his notes in the back of his jeans,
and when he bent over
he couldn't reach.

there was a song about those notes
and he sung even though he was out of key.
partly joking, or just a tease?
she keeps her distance,
explaing how water that feels like sunburns are the best part of her day.

Oh sweet miracle, I'm not gonna lie.
I can swim any day and
Now
I think it's time to fly.  

-Some people think structure is beauty, others find that chaos is beauty just the same. Perhaps each idea that pops into our heads wont be the one we hoped it would be, but then realized expectations leave you dry.
Being here in this moment, focused on the now, it's not as easy as it could be today, but I feel the times are quickly changing.

-On time:
                 it's just so easy to make false assumptions about this notion,
                 this measurement,
                 but perhaps that's all a part of this game we call life.
                                           Let's play a game to see who gets their name
                                                    on the fridge
                                                         and a pat on the back.
"My friends. We see things so differently and yet we seem them exactly the same."
Feb 2013 · 979
rollintome
Pen Lux Feb 2013
our love is sticky
frosting fingers
and our anger is cinnamon sweat.
Feb 2013 · 974
heartbreak hospital
Pen Lux Feb 2013
choke this love out of me.
kiss
away
the
pain.
let me cheat away my effort
so that I can shake off this rushed mistake.
give me the confidence to know I'm not alone,
even when I'm in the depths, crying until I find myself at home.

although home is a place with paper thin walls, those walls are
a manifestation of fear
because any person on the other side can
hear
how I feel, what I feel,
if I give myself pleasure,
or give into the pain I manifested.

it's simple and dramatic,
complicated and calm.

It's what I've been saying, struggling to explain, all along.

I've told my secrets, given myself away,
taught my soul that it's okay to hurt,
and make mistakes.

I've made myself think I need to be a certain way,
that this is good and this is bad and there's a balance in between.
My eyes have sharpened and my tongue has tied, I've found all I've known
before is a lie and a lesson, the truth and a test.
I've gotten to the point of patience where I don't realize how much time has gone by.

what day is it?
Feb 2013 · 1.5k
waterfall carrier
Pen Lux Feb 2013
wet fingers
touch my face
all nervous and
unbalanced.

perception
rips out of my throat
so fast that it's sore when morning breaks.
I feel the rising and almost shake
it's time for another eighteen hour day.

red teeth creep into my thoughts
and the bottle in the cabinet begins to knock:
here I am, baby, drink me if you can.
if you've got the time, try not to lose your motivation.
plans can't cure this hesitation.
perspiration from more than just nervousness, what's this?
it's the eyeballs teaching you a lesson,
it's the heartbeat just wanting to leave a mess in
what you thought you could contain
in the muddied cave you call a brain,
it's the endless pits of despair you so often hear tales of.
thinking, "Oh, you silly people, pet the belly of the beast
and you'll be free."

kissing the *** of an evil spirit will leave you with less progress
than if you washed the feet of an angel with your tears.  

insides burning with lust for flesh, for a cool comfort
you can bury yourself in. if your expectations grace you with
their absence and your mind feels free enough to explore,
then share your thoughts with me this evening,
I'll give you my heart as an open door.
Feb 2013 · 815
walkin' home ain't easy
Pen Lux Feb 2013
And she wore
black eyes in her pockets
and when she cried
her jeans went red.
my baby speaks with the
tip of her tongue on the
back of her teeth.
and every time I hear her speak
her beauty
makes me weak
and I'm down on my knees.
a voice is blooming out my throat
no more croaking
Jan 2013 · 1.5k
atmosphere of indulgence
Pen Lux Jan 2013
we are merely children
that continue growing.
loneliness is a struggle
but so is engulfment.
to plunge into commitment
with hopes for each day to rise with opportunity
and excitement, and for each day to prove more time wasted,
brings upon an emotional sickness known as heart ache.

a lover is to not just love,
but to follow and to lead.

however my love is wandering, lost.
trapped and wondering, is this love enough?

again my heart yearns for something else than what it's given,
yet is so afraid to remove the safety of what it already has to venture anew,
where a different kind of loneliness awaits.

feeling hopeless in a hopeful time
rendering gifts of promise useless
I admit I'm not pure, that I find moments where I'm not only the prey
but hunting, and the cycle of my torment is guided by my own self.
for lack of decisiveness, and abundance of indecision.
Jan 2013 · 1.1k
Shy Reaching
Pen Lux Jan 2013
Rejection stings me like a bee, I'm frightened.
My heart has lost it's wings
condemned to return to its cave of shards.
My weapon has been buried in the leaves that you hid in the forest
And I'm struggling to find a color that matches my insight.
Or have I lost not only what is yours, but what is mine?

Reviving the self that is so desperate to hide
that it does nothing but hide in this pathways struggles.
I'm lost in your ruffles.

Friendship has bounds and the binds are what you're afraid to break.
I'm not alone
if this is a mistake.
All I want is to give in to what helps me create.
You call it lust while I experience it as fate.

I say I want someone to hold me
yet there's something underneath my wanting that you translate.
You show me the fear so clearly that even my communication dissipates.
I can't see what's ahead of me, simply what surrounds me,
and even though half of what I see displeases me, there's no way I can see it releasing me.

I must release myself from this madness, a yielding I'm timid to accept.

You've entered my insight and helped me to extend my mind.
Pen Lux Jan 2013
I need to be alone
so that I can feel this.
I have an ache to ache,
Do you get it?
Can you feel the pain that's building through my lack of feeling?
It's waiting to engulf me and it's tainting my judgement of time,
entertainment and beauty.

The independence I long for stretches me thin.
My lust for love has now been shown in the light
and I feel that I've realized I wanted nothing more
than to feel wanted, needed, and cared for.
That maybe love isn't what I was missing.

I know that I don't know
and that I'm learning more every day.
I just hope that these feelings of disgust dissipate
and through that which I overcome helps me to create.
Dec 2012 · 773
new beginnings
Pen Lux Dec 2012
I've just met you and already I've seen too much,
too much and not enough all at once and I can
only wish you the best with all that will follow.

Distance from all you've known is approaching,
but love and knowledge will hold you close.
Not only your own love but the love of your family and friends and the people you will meet on your journey.

Love holds no judgment, or grudges.
Love simply gives you the room to experience
and will never turn away.

A spark was caught in your wick
and has grown into a flame,
that very spark lit the pathway in which you have been following
since your soul connected with another's: each others.
You two beautiful people have found something indescribable,
yet all who surround you can feel the happiness in which it creates.
for Grace and Eric
Pen Lux Dec 2012
They scheme in the shadows of who they might hope to be.
Studying their weaknesses and teaching themselves how to live in solitude.
No one to worry about except for the self.
There's no weight to bare apart from ones own guilt.

Stay in the shadows,
For the light will only burn your eyes.
Dec 2012 · 912
reasons, mistakes
Pen Lux Dec 2012
buried my love in brittle
bones that wanted exactly what I did.
told my love of the mistakes that consumed
in the blinding rays of rage in which I find myself trapped in.
wanted my love alone so that I could share it
but love that is alone doesn't want to wake up.
spilled out experience
to prove to myself that I could make progress.
spilled out my soul
choked through the heart in my throat
maybe if I could get a good look at what's inside this beating breast
then maybe I could count my breath and remember to inhale
and exhale in each moment.
be conscious of my actions, let my spot lights shine so bright they break,
so that the walls I so carefully built
decay
with the new life
I create.
Nov 2012 · 1.3k
extreme blanks
Pen Lux Nov 2012
exchange me
in your sight.
let me grow
and soak in light.
my shadow's got me
trapped inside,
words crumble from my lips tonight.

admiring you, admiring me.
my actions are subconscious and timid,
not enough action to get a reaction.
I'm building mountains to destroy them:
mountains made of flesh covered drums,
vibrations of thought, and honey dipped bones.

I crawl to move forward because sudden movements make you flinch.
you want me alone
and you're alone
and I'm wrapped up sweetly
wanting nothing but to sink so deeply into my wrappings
that I become the wrappings
like a bird in the cage
that soon becomes nothing but feathers.

kiss me
taint
my lips.

eat me
absorb
my sin.

ink is on the page to reveal this sinking stage
and the time that it takes
to change from bad habits to new ways.
self-reflection is the stitch that broke the
dams that built up through neglect.
now the flow is aching for a record
of it's mass accumulation, only through this process
will it provide sweet stimulation.

you carry a heart of sand,
and you left a grain
inside my brain
to cure the pain
of a smoldering flame
for what remains
in my own sand crusted box of feelings.
Pen Lux Oct 2012
I've dug this up from the gravel of my being,
felt this sediment,
scraped through all the layers
to find small scattered bones.
owl puke.
that's my softness,
that's childhood
               and
           a reason for wanting to destroy it.

enough fire wood
enough energy
then
too much energy
                                and
the lights go out.

a contribution of what you learned that day fed to you at the dinner table.

coffee eyes dreamed about good mornings,
sugar kisses his lips, his eyes,
his cheeks
stomach,
legs,
papered skin layered in dreams.

dreams of
                   gold shedding from the sky,
words painted beneath the flesh,
              eyes shut to see what's inside.

how are you going to see what's outside if your eyes are always shut?
Oct 2012 · 976
continue
Pen Lux Oct 2012
"modern art is precious"
                                              ...it's abstract.
I heard you say
and laughed at that
sit back and sat with the grieving.
it's easier to read it, I can't speak it.
been a gloomy pirate
singing, border-line screaming.
changing habits?
still repeating.

hatch-back stare
these feelings are fleeting.
still don't care
I've lost myself eating:
finding secrets but refuse to share.

I'm a hound dog daddy, still speaking with rhymes
I thought I gave up order,
but found lost in the deep between.

I'm half flamed bread,
I'm charcoal.
I'm burnt
and I'm fried.
I've given up my obstructions
and gone straight for falling behind.
Pen Lux Oct 2012
the time to express the inner workings of my being
keep slipping out in other ways than what I'm used to.
my speaking is creaking down a hallway with a flickering bulb,
such as the light of my life when I'm straining my neck to get
a better body,
                                                                                                  a better look.
you've charmed me, caught me in your dark eyes.
you've locked me in, and I want to cut off your locks,
and hold them like hands in my pockets
so that you don't have the chance to break them.

emotions are static lately, sparking
catching soft satin on fire
steigen auf mich
I'll show you how I survive.
I love you with all my heart*
Oct 2012 · 1.2k
today has been cancelled.
Pen Lux Oct 2012
I'd rather not do anything today.
leave my plans to figure themselves out
let them forget about me, no more missing.
I'd like to excuse myself from today's torturous repetition.

It's all my fault, admittance of solitude!
what happened to the practice of things I care about?
my cares have shifted, hearts been lifted, yet there's something
still missing: Motivation.

ahhhh, no more worries.
ahh, why should I?
Oct 2012 · 1.6k
recounting
Pen Lux Oct 2012
forced to wake up
do things for others that I don't want to
not obliged to, feel condemned to.
another persons mistake and I'm pushed to my knees
with a hand slapping at my face trying to get me to eat
out of the other one:
dog food.

of course I can always leave
not that the important ones will chase after me
they'll lay on rooftops to get closer to the stars
enjoy the silence,
the freedom, they had not to shake themselves
it's not an earthquake of a morning
it's slower than a sunrise
perhaps no sleep has been.
night's enchantment has caressed you
softly.
ideas curl around your restless mind,
eyes piercing morning's pallet
with all it has to bare before it's been sought out by others.

dreaming
I am
lost in thought
a parallel universe of myself
this is where beautiful thoughts bury themselves
so as to later reveal what I need
to say or to do next
I am
healing

a force
grows stronger when impatient
insistent and intrusive
my love
is
blind
my love
is
weary
my love
is
endless
it
expands
my love reaches to the tips of your fingers
which scream for embrace
and release.
you want to write
you write
I want to read
I read
no such thing!
procrastination has the gravitational force of an addiction
I'm breeding consequence through my actions
focused on expression
feeling, it's all I can
empathy shocks me
until the lightning rays melt my heart
and my mind becomes somewhat of a battle ground for healing
one hole repaired is another dug
a filling is digested to a semi-satisfactory state
a poison is a temporary cure
continue to feed me
the poison
I'd rather feast on my own self
than grovel for what
evil offers.
again

my love is blind
my love is torture
my love is peace
if I let it be
my love is curious
my love is hiding
my love is wishful
cautious
frightened
yanked
crushed
held
my love is you
my love is the moon
my love is wondering
and wonderful
wants attention.
I want to give my love
without
rejection.

my love is loved.
take it,
you can keep it for as long as you want.
Sep 2012 · 1.1k
there's a fork in my leg
Pen Lux Sep 2012
time slip
             p   i
               n
                        g
through my fingers.
words w   w w
o  o      o   r words
words   r
d       d    d        s
   s            s
                  pouring
from my mouth.

three children catching fish in a pond
with an empty coke bottle, annoyance
at their little voices, "Not like that!"
"Let me catch it!"

victory in death to create their own peace.

the day was too shy for me to face myself
(excuses, reasons, call them as you see them,
  even if it's hard to look at things you don't like).
unpleasant thoughts surround me, there's nothing I can do,
except to remove the things that eat away, that keep me eating:
gluttony grabs hold, depressions wits (it knows if it drags me deeper
                                                          ­     then it'll probably get to stay).
sickness finds it's way through neglected troubles.
standing up to yourself for yourself is the beginning,
once you stand up to others is when you start to move forward.
patience, love, empathy, communication, assertion, emotion, fear:
let it flow: all complimentary, opposite and in between.
thrashing does you no good,
it simply sends you under.

I want to stick my head under and get a taste,
float on my back and breathe in fresh air,
avoid holding onto anything so as not to disturb what might need change,
enjoy what is here, be thankful for what was, and welcome what comes.
Sep 2012 · 1.1k
nausea
Pen Lux Sep 2012
I see myself best when outside myself,
too deep into thought and the ruts become unavoidable.

life is good.
Pen Lux Sep 2012
here I've written my thoughts
and you've read them more than
my contradictions. I am myself.
don't give me reactions unless you feel something,
anything, from what I create.
If you can't relate then that's okay,
but if you can, and you learn,
I've also learned from the response my words shake
from the tips of your limbs, fingers that share the way I do.

Sometime's a pen and paper seem difficult to fit
into such a tight schedule, but you'd think that it'd be the
first step to how you really feel.

if you can take the time to think a feeling, slowly,
repeating, and then write it down with ink,
at least you know it was worth your time.
Sep 2012 · 1.5k
intentions, misinterpreted
Pen Lux Sep 2012
they call me cat-liter, I'm their slave.
I'm embarrassed at sharp edges,
you've caught me all confused.
he said sleep, but translated space.
at least that's the way these feelings memorize.

depression, rage, stress,
broken threads, spandex,
cold sandwiches, free muffins that you missed:
I want to scream in your face
so that when I hold you I know
you're really crumbling.

I missed you like I missed myself.
my cleaning quickened so that I could see you.

maybe you needed some time spent,
in caffeinated tendencies,
to just blow off some steam.
Forget a few things,
for as long as you could until they
slam you back down again.
I'm not here to weigh you down,
I've got myself covered.

two of the same,
one in the same.
it's sometimes harder to communicate.
the release brings peace, my love.
I wish trust wasn't so hard to come by
in this shy blockage I've got all clogged up,
paranoid by my own actions,
thinking your freedom might repeat itself
in ways that will rip me free.

you're stuck to me like honey,
you're my islebee, make me freeze and see
what lies between and find that all love needs
is a breath
to catch amongst such harsh winds.
Sep 2012 · 729
next
Pen Lux Sep 2012
Your brain asks questions,
so you reply, “I haven't been around much lately.”
as soon as plans set in
                 you want to do all the things you were offered before,
                 that didn't seem particularly enchanting previously.
I've been here before though, it's a self-fulfilled prophecy
I've seen each moment before the moment I live out catches me,
with a face, baffled,
pretending it hadn't seen it coming,
                     planned it coming,
because that's the way I happen to sort things out.

It's easier to think while distracted,
I'd much rather focus on a handful of sequence
than distract myself from what's important.
Aug 2012 · 859
smoke heating hills.
Pen Lux Aug 2012
recycled thoughts
change meaning in the overlap.
try and convince me different,
by forcing yourself to do the same.
it's ambiguity knocking,
you've resonated thoroughly
throughout what's dragged on, kept dragging
and skinned you
       edge-side
-in.

love makes love
in sequence
and in time.

motions and friction
stomach tells secrets
legs fold out laps, and drop them.
burrowing chests, heaving.
can you breathe in this smoke?
or will you exhale it?

you've caught me, intimately
picking my nose, afraid it will bleed.
all alone while you're searching,
I've got the privacy to wipe the blood from my fingers
and think of the shadows you'll check,
and the one's you'll fiend away.
empathy discussions,
what ***** your soul also binds it.

a word.
time,
and too much of it,
wasted,
can't handle it,
feels
absent.
ditched windows,
bent blinds,
hardwood and tile.
cuddled
dogs, sore wrists,
nail-bites.

absence:
when you're not there.
you're
not
there.

step back, or splash!
you are steam,
a stream of heat,
sweating.
talking me up
about talent,
talking me silent,
and happy.

I'm caught up in this silence,
so comfortable.
keep me silent, or I'll keep talking.
Aug 2012 · 1.4k
spurt
Pen Lux Aug 2012
a shortness of breath,
a stiff clinging to comfort.
hardwood floor, (hiding).
stress is combining,
and it's frightening
(I wake up crying).

full, and
sick you
pull,
and shift.
forget the debt that crept in neglect.

some things are too obvious to say,
or you think them so much they begin to feel like you've already said them.
Aug 2012 · 2.0k
gibbous
Pen Lux Aug 2012
self-sacrificed suffering
this life burns into nothing.
abstract obstructions
my hands are full,
cleaning, moving,
legs sore
and voice changing tones,
laughing is more persistent.

don't be nervous:
retract all motions blocked by the feeling of it.
lack of control, the situation needs to build itself
and all you have to do is live it.

communication codes:
call me esoteric emily,
leave me up in trees
I'll throw apples down for you to eat.
you feel like stones,
cement, hard-laced fruit loops,
and the morning after, and the year
after year after year
that
will
follow.

something smooth to rhyme to,
you're building fences for me to jump,
I'll leave you to mind them.

your eyes were my eyes, and it felt natural.
something you showed me that took advantage
of the bounds that tie and rebound and break,
something similar to a run on sentence.

sarcastic similes
arcane knowledge seeping through my eyelids.
now I'm forced by my own self-will to tell you everything.  
there are more forces than that,
I'll learn to respect them in silence
rather than saying that I don't believe in them.
doesn't mean I'll get on my knees and pray,
just means I might want something.
seemingly mean
from the things that seem
                                                                                to tunnel
                                                                              underneath
your garbage,
                       your sinking
thoughts
combined
with
circumstantial
evidence
led me to believe in the beauty I swore was gone.
thankfully all suffering passes no sooner than happiness does.
*more than half illuminated.
Aug 2012 · 690
in the middle
Pen Lux Aug 2012
shared pain is
building up with you.
can't find a way back down,
don't want to.
there was a chance
and he blew it, too easy, baby.
not enough resonance for me.
something simple,
but still crazy.

"it's easier
if you understand it. "

keep track of your pulses,
a healthy mistake: don't blame me.
I just want to lay in bed with you all day.
don't want to ask to be touched, don't want to
think about it.
some lustful friendship hanging from frail wings.
he's tired all the time, how could he say such things?
i'm lonesome, but i'm nice. i know my place, i'll share it with you.
if you just gave up self-fulfilled torture then you'd see your desperation
is mislead by such a heavy head, best not avoid the issues that clog you up.
tell yourself you're beautiful,
you're better than breaking,
you've got the heart and the spirit,
the mind that could shine straight through your eyes
to send love a million paces in each direction,
attracting all you desire.

not always what you long for is what you need,
or what will truly make you happy.
some passion soaks in shadows,
guide yourself and you'll find what you're looking for,
or rather, what you're looking for will find you.
Aug 2012 · 602
short stories
Pen Lux Aug 2012
A mother in one hand
and a child in the other.
Learning love
from giving love,
I don't want to feel any different.

something of a poison enters my perception
and I shift my paradigm.
confidence is key!
I'll let you lock me and shock me
and feed me on my knees until
fear morphs into pleasure.

your ability to open your soul,
all fractions,
some fractured,
others perfectly aligned,
gives me the healing that's been hiding.
so, I send it back in rapid laps,
guiding you through my mind.

the best I can do with translation
is to tell you thoughts exactly as I think them,
decode with tone, and expression. touch you from the heart out
a mental connection, understanding that goes beyond simply understanding.
two thoughts become one.

darkness becomes light
but the colors don't shift.
truth becomes private
it's none of their business, (sorry friends).
help becomes natural
there's no more effort to this repairing
than there is to breathing while you sleep.

my distance holds hands with you, sweetness.
sometimes skin touching skin is never enough,
but just the thought of you brings me complete:
I need no more than what I've already been given,
but I'll accept whatever you send my way, promising
to give you as much and more,
all I can until I'm sore.
Even then I still wont let it stop me.
One foot in the front  of the other,
I'll live moment by moment,
hoping the ones away from you move faster,
so that my feet will meet your feet,
face in front of the other,
your eyes reflect me, and in mine
you look deep and keep looking.
Telling me what you see, I translate
what I can from your observations:
I love you,
but there's so much more to it.
Jul 2012 · 602
my sweetness
Pen Lux Jul 2012
Tough break, my love
you can't shake my love.
It's just a bullet, you can take it,
try and bite without leaving a mark
so that your thoughts don't send too far.
Off in the distance there's a sky room,
you keep showing me the light
and I can't help but walk behind it.
The way we match is blinding.

I fall into holes, it's easy enough for you,
pull me out.
My reasons are
stretching out,
further in the morning,
to cycle through my head all day.
You're my sweetness, my fear.
A subtle lust filling me with wonder,
this trust sends me under in a race
with my bones
against your bones.

Share your temptations
and stop them.

A rejection of phrases you use to define yourself,
you're too distracted with trying to fix the
constantly breaking other parts of what you're made of to look inside.
Just open your eyes!

You must have two hearts,
you devil,
you charm.
You must be hiding something
and protecting something
and wondering.
How much longer till this ship tips, breaks forward and flips?
there you are
thrashing in the water
and you kick
and carry and sink
and hold your breath
and feel yourself
being
dragged
down
by
precious cargo you won't dismiss.

Do you dare recognize your own happiness
and the extended prolonging of it?
Or follow orders and swim while you're drowning
in the darkness to find the shore you scream for?
Jul 2012 · 746
mountain top egg shells
Pen Lux Jul 2012
torture is peace
when your future will wait
for you to ripen from the core out.

alright, your skin hangs,
your lips lift, your eyes speak
and you stutter.
I am fallen.
I hang from an arm that learned how to reach
and I'm going to try and focus on the free fall
rather than the few seconds before I hit the ground.
you sound out feelings,
almost embarrassing to watch the pictures they create.

a light shown through in the darkness
and was burned into my memory,
useful if I wanted to see further.
blinding at first sight.

revolving!
rotating in my thoughts
if you fall over the edge, I can't catch you
but I'll let you share the ledge where I so delicately hang.
Jul 2012 · 560
morning flies
Pen Lux Jul 2012
there were days she talked too much,
she
looked
so
good
when
she'd
just
be quiet.
Jul 2012 · 1.6k
Subcumbant Surprises
Pen Lux Jul 2012
Lazy lines never writes
she's afraid because of what she might.
Can't seem to find her way
so she's taking a                                                break
from searching.
She sways
in and out of feelings,                                                
from the middle        
she can see the edge                                       break
but doesn't lose her place.
He wanted to hold her
as she rambled away,
kiss her cheek in the moonlight
and play her music by day.

Walk barefoot on blacktops,
backward steps, tripped in flip flops.
He's the scar on her knee, the crackle pop in her spine.
She thought to make him                                                  baked
goods:
precious berries too sweet for wine.

She feels destruction in creation
so her thoughts become less productive
and finds resonance in mistakes.
Words like hot wind
and she's depressing.
Ignoring advice from others,
*******.
Break
                  break                                          
                                      break
she needs it
break
     break
break
she bears it

cheek bruised
from loves subtle encounters,
hands shaking from
works formal banters,
today's not what she expected it'd be:
something sweet in the stomach.
A smooth something to bring out the best,
bitter rest in her breast,
she wants to get a better look.
Jul 2012 · 537
critical hits
Pen Lux Jul 2012
attention span crackling,
you're losing all your words.
can't remember what you said to me?
I feel like a tornado
and want to say hello through this storm.
talk to myself to find the answers.
there's no such answer in your eyes.
what do you see? something of a glare,
in my stare of such searching, cut my hair
give you my locks.
tell you I love you when it's too hard to breathe.
just want to get it over with.
something disintegrating into me.

I tried to write letters like I used to,
it seems that I've forgotten.
there's too much lost
that should be written.

keep me on the edge of the ledge,
lifting to the tips of my toes

shrinking mildly

just,
so
you
might
not see me
when
I
cry,
I guess we should just wait until the night
when you can't see a thing.
Jul 2012 · 886
disciplined indulgence ..??
Pen Lux Jul 2012
i have no thoughts: i ate them.
i have good friends
they let me live in their cupboards.
i want to leave but i'm stuck
i'm sick of grief but i'm flattered
and although they drink me sweet
it don't matter
i still want to be filled with loves laughter
yet i can't get the one that i'm after
because he's running so fast i can't see
and he knows that i'm blind so he moves ten feet
back and deep
points out things in the distance
too beautiful for me.

he's gonna move
he's gonna leave
he's.. invisible to me.

i got so shy i had to leave,
keep myself from being shattered
by love this steep.
Jun 2012 · 724
dwelling
Pen Lux Jun 2012
consumption
play
consumption
sleep
in the moments between
I'm not sure if this is a dream or reality.
a greeting from someone I thought I'd lost
and my heart bounds forward.
you look different.

how could I forget such a face?
how could I lose it?

was mine too overlapping in anxiety to notice the kindness in yours?

time has given chances
I'm not sure how many of them were wasted in weakness.
decisions to move on, move out,
and then forward.
Jun 2012 · 948
uh rum chum
Pen Lux Jun 2012
preferences denied by searching too much.
you're a production of neglect,
describing situations exactly as they are: no empathy.
saving sympathy for emotional descriptions:
you've got a lot on your plate and you don't like to waste
but you're breaking this whirlwind you so hastily chase.
just give me a break.
let this armor fall from my limbs
a barrier trimmed
from this eclipse of the mind
I find myself fading behind
because honesty of the self is harbored in boxes,
it's easy to get lost inside the caves of forgotten
when you're moving so often in the shadow-side.
Jun 2012 · 857
harsh (contemplative)
Pen Lux Jun 2012
your hands are golden
and as frail as dry leaves.
your collar bone sends me
into a  breath bend, so I follow
the traces of your fingers on my stomach
and the crooked fragments of your once broken bones.
you've got a nervous segment of thought,
I can feel as you attempt to shake it out,
**** thoughts, you send waves of telepathy and I'm molten.

your illusions are being built on ladders,
as thin as your legs, and my fingers.
you've captured a foot, slammed into the back of each knee
and you don't lose balance.
swallowing poison, tastes good.
happiness overwhelms your senses.
everything seems better when you're killing yourself.
brain screaming: this is it!
might as well do all the things you're afraid of.

commit to a struggle for strategy.
all lined up, dressed in slept-in jeans.
you're more tired than you'd dare to admit
because your weakness is fatal. too much of yourself
locked in that tower you climb so flawlessly.
slime walls and all.
you offer me the chance to climb, not something I'd grasp
until I lost my mind, slip down the side, fall behind, leave you with time
and come back to lay on the cement around your corners.

I bring you a flower, a simple response to my own thought.
a gesture of love, of friendship, forgiveness and fear.
I'd write you something beautiful if you deserved it.
in the holding back of words, I found that if I'm writing about you
then it doesn't mean it's for you.
I can't help who I love, just as I can't help what I fear.
call me a baby, but don't call me yours.
hold me when you want to, I wont miss you until I'm there.

let me become a little less of what sickens me.
let myself break through shadows and soak midnight moon
through my half darkened, thoroughly searching eyes.
May 2012 · 773
6 at 6 on 6
Pen Lux May 2012
woke up back to back with another piece of myself and
tried to absorb dreams through his sleeping.
these attempts proved how useless a lot of what led to this moment were.
I’m clean, and in the dregs of my suffering heart,
playing my strings, smacking my keys, snapping with rings
of bruises. grease stains on my skin.
he was good *** in the moonlight
but he didn’t bring me the pleasure I so often seek.
“If I can’t find love with you, I’ll find it somewhere else.”
he’s a tangled leg, a darkened face
a mirrored mask.
I see him in the colors he avoids
in his search for solitude.
now it’s my turn.
and I’m going to bend.
Apr 2012 · 620
am i alive or, just tired
Pen Lux Apr 2012
i'm a half way hill short
of decent remarks.
definitely juvenile.
public dancers
gave me chances
to prove myself while
confidence drove me home,
and there wasn't a single complaint.
Apr 2012 · 565
as if we're truly there
Pen Lux Apr 2012
the best of us hide
because we know what's good for us.
killing something because it's expendable isn't an excuse
scream at me longer,
I want to bathe in the passion you reveal.
leaving early
the game was too intense
to keep playing.
adventure can seem fleeting
when all you focus on is fleeing.
self-corruption at it's finest
in the form of getting over
and going
beyond.
although these feelings can be more difficult
you'll realize what was there,
(nearly invisible),
before breaking
             and
             soaking
through.
Apr 2012 · 595
absolutely
Pen Lux Apr 2012
at which point do we understand the desire of our longing?
do we eat the apple because we were told to, or is it the hunger
within ourselves that takes hold of the opportunity with it's teeth?

falling to our knees at feeding time
we've given chance clearance
in a crowded pathway of such desire
that so forwardly pushes
with elbows
soft as kisses, and eyes sharp as needles.
we need less to say
we shouldn't say a thing.

temptation to forget.

we think things over
and fold ourselves in
positions so that our
warmth carries and
passes through one
layer of skin to the next.

waiting and rushing
sinking and flushing
cover the hushing with laughter!
you've become so friendly, so distant.
jokes and jealousy,
they thought they matched flawlessly.
a web of sweet musings
we're wrapped in the choosing's.
forgiving mistakes....
Apr 2012 · 682
step on me like a wolf
Pen Lux Apr 2012
talk me up. talk me up. talk me up.
enter my exit
say yes turn
back around
find the next fit.
looking at me for the first time,
you're more prepared for this than I am.

you've got a heart in your palm.
I take your blade to my flesh to make sure I've still got one,
realize you've got mine and as soon as it's healed you drop it back into place.
I forgot what it was like, hearts are so heavy.
I'm a snow flake, falling onto flesh, and melting,
through my eyes, broken faucets, you turned me on,
shut me out, won't turn me off.

passion's forgetful in a whirlwind.
wrap me up in a cocoon, keep me numb.
I see you've been breaking glasses,
cutting off the tips of your fingers,
you make me nervous. beginnings make me nervous.

you let me explore your mountain
and I found caves that were brighter
than daylight so I left them to you,
it wasn't my place to stay.

you're a dark shark with soft teeth
shaved cheeks and smooth grease.

I'm an open eyed shadow looking
for sparks to dance in. If I could learn
to balance my darkness in the light
then my moves would be seen clearly
and I could catch my mistakes before I
leave my pieces on the board in places
where I'd so obviously lose them.
there's nothing left for me to do but keep playing.
although I make puddles, I'll laugh
to soak them up. it's refreshing
this feeling,
it's a wound but it's healing.
you put something into a pocket
because you want to keep it close
and see it again.
you put something in a hole
because you want to lose it
or it's dead.

I gave you permission to eat my remains
so clean off my plate, wipe off my face.
the younger you are the stronger the hunger
for flesh for adventure for change.
constant,
constant,
change.
perhaps I should have cut you when I had the chance.
then we'd both be healing at the same time.
Apr 2012 · 885
devouring figures.
Pen Lux Apr 2012
balancing punches against my waist line
with creatures and cancers that got
close enough to figure me out.
fingers nestled and danced with a thin boys spine
they spooned honesty
through quick teeth with
impossible intentions.
never planning but learning lessons.
planting gardens around
a king on his throne
soft as sand
who gets thrown
off by the sweetness
that floods through his veins
when a tender lipped tulip
breaks and bends in front of his eyes.
wilting in water
and falling on pine, a look from a mother
and they're dead right on time.
grasping fortunes for reference
as to cause birthed through preference.
fouled by income, the souls follow in some
and the door is unlocked like in a waiting room
but no one ever dared to get up and walk out.
Apr 2012 · 817
wish fists
Pen Lux Apr 2012
this soft silence has me feeling
that there isn't enough to go around.
you're rose petals on black tile,
             indulgence at it's finest.
a dimple twitch, a train to which
station?
motivation,
obligation,
                  regurgitation.
I've been left out, cut out, burnt out.
take my feathers
make arrows
slice through my skin
make wine.
kiss my wounds, attack my goodness,
give me bruises, I'm fine!

I'm lifted
you're gifted
got me
on the edge of
both sides
of your line
shove my face
smash my face
trash my cash and mash
mash mash, until there's bleeding.
-I haven't made it there... yet.

trying to decide what to do with my time
waiting for the wash, dreading the dirt that clings
to clean cheeks and it's only been a few weeks
but I'm burning in madness.

to entertain you would be golden
my brain is swollen with stepping
and it makes me want to be alone.

negative exports, I'm an expert at drowning
with one foot placed firmly on the ground,
the other in my mouth.
Apr 2012 · 1.2k
skuttlebutt
Pen Lux Apr 2012
a croaking fetus
blessing sneezes
he's here to release us
calls himself: jesus.
Mar 2012 · 1.5k
best bets
Pen Lux Mar 2012
your goodness escaped
in trembles.
you're a magnet
turned over and pushing me
back.
rough edges are
pulling me
close, rip
through my skin
already.

nails dig deeper
thick touching we call problems.
is it wrong for a look to feel this good,
or that it took less than a second to shy away
from such a beautiful face?
no such likeness could be a mistake.

look
he's shrinking!
what's this, who's that?
spit back and splat!
there he goes, looking like he knows what he's doing.
clean skin masked in malnutrition
he shaved his face to make her jealous.
really really, she thought he was silly
but his empty belly left him nothing but a shell,
a broken one, or a pile of them.
shoot shoot shoot
I've been shot
and I take the blow
straight through my nose
making it hard to breathe
and impossible to sneeze.

good morning!
breakfast,
we've gotta get out fast
the snow isn't melting
my brain that's so swelling.
pressure release!
pleasures.
well, something.
Mar 2012 · 625
buzz
Pen Lux Mar 2012
ink taped and glued
seeping through my bulges.
I'm just not going to eat for a week.

pages ripped and burning
smoke billowing in my lungs.
I'm just not going to sleep.

taking a break
from everything

trying to break
habits

these
bees
hide
in
hives,
in
piles,
of
honey.

from one queen to another:
it's okay if you **** me.
Mar 2012 · 2.1k
suggestive tendencies
Pen Lux Mar 2012
one

we're intertwined
         in imagined concepts
and we've got the same layout.
some sections colored the same
but we still look so different.

two

I feel like a story basket
locked in a casket,
avoiding spitting on graves.
you're the foam at the bottom:
           all I have left and I want more.
I'm just a foam hound daddy,
             a locked foam hawk.
you open your face, intoxication pouring out.
too much stimulation leads to lack of stimulation.

three

through my fingertips
budding beneath my eye lids.
I see what you're saying.
translate what you're feeling through my skin.


four

slabs of meat for hands,
place them on the stove.
(I feel better with my head close to the oven).
you've gotta soak in the seasons
or they'll fry off so fast,
it'll be all chew and no taste.
all **** and no chase.
I'm simmering
let me marinate.

five

social stimulation starts simmering smoothly.

six

okay,
I'll let my body make the decision when it remembers how to move.
too much to touch and not enough to stay away.
Mar 2012 · 1.3k
pudding
Pen Lux Mar 2012
reflection time
and there aren't any clean cups.

welcome back my friends!
with broken gates
my mouth's agape
                                 and shut.
because I only left when you did
and then some how some of us came back

We're making eye contact and I feel
so
human
            so raw
                       want to crawl back towards the jar,
take a gulp, ten more. hmmm, what is this? (not water)
let me slump, let me jump, let me shake, let me do what I do.
your accurate occupancy  is full to the brim,
take a sip before you flip like a fish out of water,
we're opposites in the like and the like get's us goodness.

today has no bounds.
Pen Lux Mar 2012
hello
let's talk
take me home
I'll answer him now.
say
goodbye.
we meet again
such excitement would soon paralyze
my mind stretched outward yet
words escape me
in a perfect form.
one to another
feet to head
sleep
eat
see
face to face
lip to lip
to neck
to teeth.
holding
sweetly
wrapping
stretching
rhyming.

same beds
no plans
separate frames
magnetic glue
it's all about the ears, baby.

I didn't do it, wanted to, but didn't.
is it more flattering to be rude than to be polite and never do a thing?
kiss me, light the flame
you ignite me
excite me
entice me.
rewind
and remind me.

you and I have set sail.
Feb 2012 · 990
breakfast with strangers
Pen Lux Feb 2012
ah, there's the honey
right in front of you
labeled for eating.

give me information
and take off your blanket
(unless it's snowing,
  and if it is, promise to take me with you):
to play.

oh, there are faces,
beauty, reaching out
beneath eyelids because
direct contact is where confusion strikes.

snuggle buddy
you feel like silly putty
       you mold and mash into me
warm and happy.

tying
and trying
to escape the binds
we wrap ourselves in.
we sweat, we sleep,
wake up hungry.
sit across the table
from each other,
in the corner,
and try
not to
stare.

give me a bite
I just want to taste what you taste.
constant communication
my hands are clammy but running them through your hair seems nice.

you let me lift fingers
tap gently, crawl scratching:
don't stop. don't.
no.

you shake your head
faster than the cold
shakes my legs.
I understand when to back away.
but here I am.
in your arms,
all sweetly woven
that it's me you've chosen,
but I relapse through thoughts
of conversations that remind me that
this is more stimulation than either of us
are used to.
we need time to relate.
some self-stimulation: *******.

give your body away less than you want to.
notice the difference between stimulation, gratification,
and feelings that need to subside.
letting go
falling through
breaking up
it's all puke in the mouth
the taste is indifference
and I swallow it back
without choking or spitting.

thoughts of you: staying cautious.
I'm drinking through thin fingers
my throat is a pillar, an obstacle.
my dead end is an abrupt answer:
so clear. restless, and easy. feeling
the need to move. risking my senses
for more adventurous hostilities.

things take time,
but what if time and I aren't speaking?
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