drifting
I am lifted
on my own
muscles aching
feels like
rubber bands
stretched too thin
snapped back too fast

sifting
I am buried
inside myself
mind aching
feels like
not enough sleep
with too much to drink
left to sink
thinking
about who I might have met

last night

subtle connections
second distractions
too soon and the moon
says goodbye
as do you

nothing left
save a name
something
one thing
I can keep

I'm saving the memory

I'm not sure if I'm
more sad
             or relieved
that you don't read
what I write
or that I
sometimes
keep you up
late at night
twisting and turning
               sweating body
             getting hot in your
sleep so hot that you
wake to another
smoldering morning
              another hard day
          a chance to fight the world
             to punish whomever
              because you deserve it
             your loneliness a cave
          that you're a slave to
too afraid to find a home
unsure how to speak
    no signs of being weak
       just angry
alone in your rage
your pen writing your wage
as you build up your cage
the walls of your spirit
bury themselves deep
  an attempt to escape
    solemn efforts
    mouth agape
you'll find no empathy from me
not any more, no, not again
no longer lovers, we were never friends
unrequited, ignited and scarred
not knowing your own strengths
you kept your heart barred
then swung hard
   almost a year since
no regrets yet
almost a life spent
wasted and thrown
hollow bombshell feelings
I write you with my fingertips
while I write these poems too
I hope we never cross paths again
because it's true, I still love you

I learned her name
the way I learned to deal with pain
I felt her inside of you
burning fast and hard like forest fires
I knew her memory in flames
which shown through your eyes as we touched
one of my best friends spoke her name
images of you rushing through me like waterfalls
trickling down sweat from my exposed flesh and hanging hair
they ate food together, talked of her travels, proved me wrong again
her name rushed through my mind as I meditated
the waterfalls became quicksand, engulfing me
again, it's hard to breathe, it's hard to think
so instead I learn because it's time again
leave me to the rotting in, writing
it's okay to be alone again
I'll forget her name
as soon as I see her face
her face is in my head, the dread
the song of the symphony in her smile
jealousy and jam and jelly and peanut butter
and let me get fat through sweets and beats blaring
I'm done with caring so much about the little things
just another day to go outdoors, not running, just jamming
dancing along the concrete concord of my pathway
this day has been productive, building knowledge
storing knowledge and expanding insights
again, I say, I am beginning, begging
only slightly... for new beginnings
continuing forward, no delays
soon to see brighter days
no one left to show me
the way is within
steady, forward
let's begin

although, never again
t   o  g   e   t    h   e    r

look at you
I'm winning
isn't that enough?

look at me
you're aching
how much is too much?

look at us
we're breaking
too much is enough

Oh, I love You
yet forever and ever
My heart floats upon a sea of sorrow
Oh, let this crass and ignorant world
go its crass and ignorant way
with its running to and fro
never knowing a feeling of love
or any true emotion
this hopeless world in all its strife
searches in vain for an answer
How it knows not
that no answer lies in war, or money, nor fame
How it searches in vain
neither does it know nor suspect
that all its answers lie in a warm embrace
of a passionate love
of one heart holding in its self
the love of another
a bottomless burning passion
that says, " I surrender all".
Oh, how I am a worthless hopeless thing
without You
a mere sea of pain and ache
whose bottom knows no end
Oh, for without You
I know all hope is lost
and better it was
I had never been born
than see the day
I loose You
to be blinded by a sea of pain and tears
Oh, how could I then live.
Oh, I have loved You
and yet love You more still
I open My heart
I hold My arms forth
hoping for Your embrace
and You turn Your heart from Me
and I am helpless
My heart sinks with longing
You have been an elusive and exotic creature
I ask Myself everyday
Why? Oh, why Me?
Why am I always
so unworthy in Your eyes
Oh, how My soul floats upon  a sea of sorrow
Why do I remain
a source of shame in Your eyes
Oh, why am I counted
as nothing in Your eyes
A lowly worm
who crawls through the dust of the earth
but Oh,  though I am counted by You
as a thing not to be looked upon
a creature of loathing
never to be looked upon
or brought into memory
My heart in its sadness says
" I forgive all".
Oh, how far into eternity
must the days pass
and how many universes must come and go
each being born and dying in its time
before Your  cold heart can come to say
" I love You".
When all of time had run its course
Oh, how I wait the melting of Your cold heart
Oh, how I am frozen
in this block of stone
this loveless hell
This bed of stone that I lie upon
But Oh, how I shall wait
as eternity rolls
as the sun burns its self to a cinder
and the stars burn and flicker out
one by one
for without You all eternity
is but a dead thing.

today when asked what I would do with the rest of my life
(if I could pick anything I wanted regardless of money)
I told the whole class that I wanted to be a beat poet
in a jazz band, but I didn't tell them: I also want to sing

my baby told me
I'm dancing with a demon slayer
put her lips to my ear
whispered, "some secrets are meant to be shared."
if only I had cared
caressed her
skin to skin
but habits die
                        hard
and I have trouble beginning
because I'm so afraid of
                                          the end