our love is sticky
frosting fingers
and our anger is cinnamon sweat.

choke this love out of me.
kiss
away
the
pain.
let me cheat away my effort
so that I can shake off this rushed mistake.
give me the confidence to know I'm not alone,
even when I'm in the depths, crying until I find myself at home.

although home is a place with paper thin walls, those walls are
a manifestation of fear
because any person on the other side can
hear
how I feel, what I feel,
if I give myself pleasure,
or give into the pain I manifested.

it's simple and dramatic,
complicated and calm.

It's what I've been saying, struggling to explain, all along.

I've told my secrets, given myself away,
taught my soul that it's okay to hurt,
and make mistakes.

I've made myself think I need to be a certain way,
that this is good and this is bad and there's a balance in between.
My eyes have sharpened and my tongue has tied, I've found all I've known
before is a lie and a lesson, the truth and a test.
I've gotten to the point of patience where I don't realize how much time has gone by.

what day is it?

wet fingers
touch my face
all nervous and
unbalanced.

perception
rips out of my throat
so fast that it's sore when morning breaks.
I feel the rising and almost shake
it's time for another eighteen hour day.

red teeth creep into my thoughts
and the bottle in the cabinet begins to knock:
here I am, baby, drink me if you can.
if you've got the time, try not to lose your motivation.
plans can't cure this hesitation.
perspiration from more than just nervousness, what's this?
it's the eyeballs teaching you a lesson,
it's the heartbeat just wanting to leave a mess in
what you thought you could contain
in the muddied cave you call a brain,
it's the endless pits of despair you so often hear tales of.
thinking, "Oh, you silly people, pet the belly of the beast
and you'll be free."

kissing the *** of an evil spirit will leave you with less progress
than if you washed the feet of an angel with your tears.  

insides burning with lust for flesh, for a cool comfort
you can bury yourself in. if your expectations grace you with
their absence and your mind feels free enough to explore,
then share your thoughts with me this evening,
I'll give you my heart as an open door.

And she wore
black eyes in her pockets
and when she cried
her jeans went red.
my baby speaks with the
tip of her tongue on the
back of her teeth.
and every time I hear her speak
her beauty
makes me weak
and I'm down on my knees.

we are merely children
that continue growing.
loneliness is a struggle
but so is engulfment.
to plunge into commitment
with hopes for each day to rise with opportunity
and excitement, and for each day to prove more time wasted,
brings upon an emotional sickness known as heart ache.

a lover is to not just love,
but to follow and to lead.

however my love is wandering, lost.
trapped and wondering, is this love enough?

again my heart yearns for something else than what it's given,
yet is so afraid to remove the safety of what it already has to venture anew,
where a different kind of loneliness awaits.

feeling hopeless in a hopeful time
rendering gifts of promise useless
I admit I'm not pure, that I find moments where I'm not only the prey
but hunting, and the cycle of my torment is guided by my own self.
for lack of decisiveness, and abundance of indecision.

Rejection stings me like a bee, I'm frightened.
My heart has lost it's wings
condemned to return to its cave of shards.
My weapon has been buried in the leaves that you hid in the forest
And I'm struggling to find a color that matches my insight.
Or have I lost not only what is yours, but what is mine?

Reviving the self that is so desperate to hide
that it does nothing but hide in this pathways struggles.
I'm lost in your ruffles.

Friendship has bounds and the binds are what you're afraid to break.
I'm not alone
if this is a mistake.
All I want is to give in to what helps me create.
You call it lust while I experience it as fate.

I say I want someone to hold me
yet there's something underneath my wanting that you translate.
You show me the fear so clearly that even my communication dissipates.
I can't see what's ahead of me, simply what surrounds me,
and even though half of what I see displeases me, there's no way I can see it releasing me.

I must release myself from this madness, a yielding I'm timid to accept.

You've entered my insight and helped me to extend my mind.

I need to be alone
so that I can feel this.
I have an ache to ache,
Do you get it?
Can you feel the pain that's building through my lack of feeling?
It's waiting to engulf me and it's tainting my judgement of time,
entertainment and beauty.

The independence I long for stretches me thin.
My lust for love has now been shown in the light
and I feel that I've realized I wanted nothing more
than to feel wanted, needed, and cared for.
That maybe love isn't what I was missing.

I know that I don't know
and that I'm learning more every day.
I just hope that these feelings of disgust dissipate
and through that which I overcome helps me to create.