wondering what to do:
he broke my focus like a bone.

I wonder who I am,
who I'm becoming,
and how I used to be.

I thought I was just like him
but some lovers don't know how to stop.

I'm learning:

beginnings:
your name [here]
your pen [in my pocket]

endings:
the word God melts like a spoon
in my hands,
my hands? hotter than the flames of hell.
Suicide:
not mine. I  swear [this time].
this time we're talking about you.
I know you got tired of listening to the other things,
but here's me stripping it all away.
I can only hope you can hear me,
because I'm screaming so loud you could be my mother.

My heart is beating faster than these keys and
you are the power behind the beatings. .

I pull my hair out
I punch my legs
I teach myself how to scream
and think, "calm down. this isn't you."

how long have you been inside?
because I'm just now noticing you.

a romantic without love
is a pile of empty letters
strung together into hesitant conversation.

I see you now in memories:
you and I, half-asleep,
avoiding eye contact,
over coffee
and cigarettes.

here's the truth:
the parts I imagine
and the one's that I want to feel:
(all I want to do is feed you peaches
and tell you how beautiful you are).

I love you.
                    Say it more:  You're amazing.

"Look at all the pages you're using."

"You can cry if you need to."

approaching the end of slavery:
these moments are defining.

Therapy: and the way you explain things.
(you're different)
   ("PROVE IT!").

there are too many people coming in and out of these rooms.


empty spaces?

I'm here to fill you up.

            (if you let me)
(if you want me)

I love the idea of being with you.

where have these beautiful situations gone to?
(we never realized how much control we had).

I can't write about the shadows if I'm fighting them.

These sentences seem to drag out
grow and curl
(like finger nails)
  (like hair).

Happiness can be
more beautiful than sadness,
but depression is where some of us belong.

I want to see you in this morphed place:
you light fires so well.
Hold me so that I might feel
the words that you're trying to say,
that are so hard to find.

I'll share mine if you share your strings.

There are pieces of your loss.
Some: I want to strangle.
Others: I want to kiss away.

If you need to bleed,
do it on me.
I'll even lick it off.

I'm trying to be what you need
and
I don't even know you.

the stars disappear
in the summer.

cynical.

I woke up earlier than ever
day before last.

I wanted to see you again,
but I knew that I had no idea what
I would say if I did.

Nothing.
as always.

chugging old coffee
while counting pills on a ***** carpet.

wanting nothing more than
to get to know you better.

she's choking in the background.
I drowned her.

echoes in the toilet.
sounds painful.
If she had a heart, she'd have puked it out by now.

I would give her mine for dinner if I could stay alive long enough to see if her eyes would say anything as she ate.

down the pipes:
dinner. lunch. breakfast.
expired milk.
stolen pills.
something fattening.

"has she been sleeping all day again?"
"yep."
"can I have some of those?"
"yep."
"can I go smoke with you?"
"yep."