the cold breeze
that is your absence
wakes me like a shake
in the middle of the afternoon
on a December day
the emptiness is so loud
when I wake up hungover
having drunk all night
to forget the mistakes I make
calling out to you
praying you respond
from the left side of my bed
the pain of turning
realising you aren’t there
smelling you on my pillow
shaking my head
and the pound falls
I have no right to want you

words echo emptily
I’ve only got myself to blame
for the reasons I can’t love you
when I made decisions that hurt you
I have all the reasons to need you
but no grounds when I can’t make you stay
I have no right to miss you
when I pushed you so far away
all night I’m wide awake
fighting the urge to call you
I long to hear your voice
but I have only me to blame
for the choices I made

the night breaks to dawn
and the cold hugs me
comforted by the regret
sleeping in my pain
in my unmade a bed of roses

I’ve watched my wildest dreams
disappear from in front of me

feelings I thought were solid
are melting through my fingertips

I’m trying desperately to hold on
take me back to when

we were living in freedom
falling helplessly in love

these memories at times seem so hard to find
and at others so hard to blind

i still see you in my dreams
and it would hurt less to be asleep with you
than to be awake without you

i hope the blue in your eyes
haven’t lost the twinkle
i pray the dimples in your spine
still feel like home to my fingertips

in naive optimism
i hold onto hope
that maybe nothings changed

i don’t know what this means
though i can tell you i love you
and i promise you it’s true

the times that i hate myself the most
are the times i wish i could be my best

i wish that for you
i could be a better me

the moment it shatters
is when i see how beautiful it was

it wasn’t supposed to happen like this
everything is going so wrong

i am hard to love
and i am broken inside

but all of my pieces are loving you
loving you with all that they are

i am so in love
with no idea how to love

where i should leave trails of roses
i leave trails of destruction

today is the day i stop asking myself
why people leave me

because if i could
i’d leave me too

emptiness is what bleeds you to death when it cuts you
but if you run around with a blade in your hands
you can’t put the blame on anyone but yourself
when you find the blame driving the blade into your chest

deflated
but still somehow filled to the brim with self hatred
i love you
three words that were once so heavy
that now just feel so empty

selfish as a lover
and selfish in pain
i wish you knew i still mean it all the same

i don’t love you any less
just because my head is a mess

sabotaging anything good
because i’m scared to love someone this much
i can only apologise

but even in that i’m selfish
because who am i sorry for
me or you

i want you to hate me
i deserve it all
leave me in my pain
because i deserve to feel it

I adore him
and that is the beginning and end of everything

he is the greatest thing
I never planned

he feels warm and familiar
when I feel most lost

he feels solid and safe
when I’m most vulnerable

he came without warning
and had my heart before I could say no

I promise to trust him
because he always helps me gasp for air
when someone has left me drowning

I will always treasure him
because anywhere that I am held in his arms
feels more like home than any house ever could

it is no surprise I get lost in his blue eyes
I have always feared deep waters
but I long to drown in his ocean eyes

on the day he turns and looks at me
to say “after all this time?”
I will simply gaze back and reply “always”

when I met him
he was easy on the eyes
and by no surprise
his heart had me mesmerised

I adore him
and that is the beginning and end of everything

times spent with you
are times I wish stood still
every second precious
wishing it to was never ending

patterning your spine with my fingertips
delicately because I know you’ve been broken
people have taken all you were willing to give
and offered nothing in return

so all I ask is that you hold me
just the way that you do
until I can return
all of your goodness to you

I will right all of the wrongs of the past
and treasure you like you will be my last
If you need someone to sacrifice oxygen
because you are suffocating
I will hold you
until you catch your breath

im living in euphoria
and i don’t want it to end
magic is seeping from my pores
dazzling everyone around me
with the best version of myself

im all the way up on cloud nine
all i can do is pray i don’t fall
helplessly hoping
i haven’t confused the cloud
for a high horse
because the fall from one
will hurt more than the other

im feeling the happiness flutter in my tummy
it’s pulsating around my veins
i don’t think anyone
could take this feeling away

im happy to announce
i am finally
falling in love with my life
all over again

you’re a shapeshifting demon
and you fooled me for too long
but i’ve ran out of reason
to justify all you’ve done wrong

there was a time that we were friends
sadly there comes a time that everything ends
and you are something i’m glad to leave behind
i truly hope, you look but never find
someone who looks after you like I did

it seems i always play the wrong move
like my life is a chessboard
my peers are somehow always ahead of me

convincing myself I can’t hate the player
only the game
so without working my way around the board
I will lose every time

I have lived my whole life
believing I was going in heavy with a queen
to wake up one day
and realise I was just another pawn

it’s strange to be happy
for the first time in as long as you can remember
helplessly optimistic making everyday sunny

surrounded by good vibes
and only the kindest most selfless people
remembering what it’s all about

truly absorbing the goodness of life
the love of family members
and the feeling of security

i’ve never been here before
in this building where there’s safety on the shelves
consistent happiness hanging in the halls
breathtaking moments you wish you could frame

i’ve never been here before
but i’d love to stay if i could
i’m content here
people are kind
and understanding

i am a stranger to the village of happiness
but this cottage i’ve built
is one i hope to keep forever

I don’t want to get in over my head
and I definitely don’t want to sound cliché
but you know them summer vibes
when you’re making new friends
and that one
that just really makes a print on you

every time you see them you flood with euphoria
their laugh is like ecstasy intoxicating with every giggle
and you find yourself thinking about them
maybe a little more than you should

you’re not sure why
but you can’t deny it
why would you?
it’s clearer than a blue sky

you intoxicate me with happiness
you dance with my heart
and you are so pure

I adore you
I’m not sure in what way
all I know is I want you to stay

I’ve been told recently that I’m psychotic because I don’t want people who aren’t good for me around anymore

I’ve been called selfish because I’ve put myself first in only the most detrimental of situations

I’ve learnt that even people who have fooled me into thinking are really good people for years, are actually not

I’ve been told I’m going to lose everyone because I have not been afraid to tell people when they’ve upset me

I’ve been called the runt of the family for speaking loudly and proudly about how our opinions differ

I’ve learnt that I am a hell of a lot stronger
Than I ever wanted to learn
I’ve learnt that only from beneath the ground do flowers grow
Thank you for burying me  
And giving me this opportunity to blossom

I lay in bed
Eyes wide
Heart racing
Mouth dry
Struggling to catch my breath
As my mind conspires against me

Will I live to see the day
That it isn’t true to say
This will always be the way?

Probably not
With that my hope rots

I wish my mind could pause for a minute
Let me gather myself
Make a plan
And get my **** together
The slither of hope that remains
Does nothing
But breed eternal misery

I met someone once, right for me
The only problem was
He wasn’t ready to settle down for me

I met someone once, cute as can be
The catch was
Nothing about it was the way we wanted it to be

I met someone once, who made me feel safe
The fault was
I couldn’t prove I felt safe

I met someone once, I got along with him great
The downfall was
Together, we couldn’t figure out how to be great

I met someone once, he held me close
The dilemma was
He just never knew how to stay close

I met someone once, now I’m scared
The fact might be
I might not love anyone the same again. I’m scared

I met you in my dreams
you said “baby, what’re you doing here?”
I said “I came for you.”

From the distance I see your face drop
Was I not supposed to miss you?
Is expecting to kiss you, wrong?

I expected the darkness to fade when my eyes opened
but the darkness is my life without you
this is my reality now

i would do anything to go back to mediocre misery on a daily basis
because without you i am drowning in depression

Did you love me like I love you?
Do you miss me like I miss you?

Are all of the things that you hated, the things you miss the most?
Are you still kicking yourself for thinking of me as soon as you wake up and as soon as you get into bed?

Will I ever not see shimmers of your absence everywhere I look?
Will I ever find someone as exhilarating as you?

Am I going to ever stop wondering if you’re going to message me saying you regret it?
Am I ever going to stop loving you?

When will this get easier?
When will it become me and not us?

Everything I do hurts a little without you
I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel now
I feel like I need one last cuddle where you embrace me and make me feel safe
I wish I could have one last night where I’m laid by your side and you pattern my spine with your finger tips
I want one more night of smoking and takeaways when we pretend that we are the only people on the planet that matter and exist
I need you to look at me the way you did after you hadn’t seen me in a while, one last time because I’m longing for that sense of belonging
I’m convincing myself that maybe if I could relive all of these precious moments with you
Maybe I could relive my time spent with you
And it would never really have to end
Soon I will be used to doing things on my own
And you will too
But I will forever hold the times we shared close

You and me, never together but with each other forever

and in the same way trees bloom, only to wither a season of two later
she steals your heart, to hold it and drop it a week or two later
and in the same way the sun permanently positions on you, only to shine on someone else
she left me empty

now I am overflowing, she could take and take and take; that I would still be so full

i can’t help falling in love with you

you hold my heart in your hand
and you chose to protect it

i want to feel you grip me tight
making sure i feel, just how right it is

together we unite
to create our own solidarity

if we don’t end up together
destiny is a lie

i’m walking through hell
but trying my best to be an angel

the ever lasting struggle that is
trying to be a good person
in a bad place

you took from me
something i will never get back
you took my life
but you left me living

it ended
but it never finished
from the second it started
i began surviving

from that moment
i never really lived again

people say “recovery is a long road”
there is nothing long about the road
because the road doesn’t exist
sometimes you can’t recover
and from that moment
you’re living with

I am infatuated by the fact that I should be ignoring these feelings
but they are simply too strong to put aside

Even though I know it is hopelessly and unjustifiably wrong
I am so drawn to taking the risk
obviously I know I never would

Doesn’t make me feel like less of a ****
For considering it in the first place

dear past me
I’m sorry I was so ******* you
I didn’t know it was going to turn out this way
you made things really difficult for me
it took me a long time to forgive you for that
but I think I’m ready
I’ve accepted that what happened to you
wasn’t your fault
the way the system failed you
wasn’t your fault

dear present me
I’m so grateful for all that you’ve done
the way you’ve turned life around and strived
I’m proud of you I know you need to hear that
you’re amaze me and you’re not perfect yet
but you’re healing and you’re trying to get there
what happened to you shaped you and I hope
even if it takes you your whole life or being
you will flip the script and use it constructively

dear future me
I hope you’re happy and secure
if money is still a struggle for you don’t lose hope
hold on to every little thing you have
because in the end they are what matter most

there was a time
when we’d just laugh
and let happiness radiate

the reality that is adult life
is just disappointing
and not as thrilling as I’d hoped

I’m just trying to
fall in love with
my life again

she is fierce
she is brave
she is bold
she is successful

she is everything the world told her
she couldn’t be
she is all that i aim to become
she will be me

you have taken me
and held me hostage

holding me beneath my craze for you
begging for only my true feelings toward you

my confession of love
is your ransom

bad men
will treat you like you mean nothing to them
but want you enough to have you

troubled men
will know you’re everything to them
but not enough to want you

good men
will give you everything
and want you forever

you will attract the kind of man
the man man is drawn to your type
with the aim of fulfilling your prophecy

vulnerable women get bad men
sad women get troubled men
great women get good men

and i guess i’m the sucker
because well
i’m the saddest woman i know

to love
and be loved
are not the same
but they can look awful similar

you can love
and not know how to love

and you can be loved
but not know how to love

neither one
is more painful than the other

both will damage
your heart
mind
and soul
beyond repair

loneliness
will bleed you to death
when it cuts you

the wrong one
will find you in peace
and end up leaving you in pieces

only the right one
can find you in pieces
and guide you to peace

I grew up in a chaotic household you see
seemed like the only means to silence

here we are now
10 or so years down the line
the chaos is in my head
the silence is buried in my scars
my regrets more present than they were in the past
love has never even seen my bed
i am wired like a time bomb

funny
I always imagined
that by this point
the silence would be in my head
the chaos buried in my scars
the regrets forgotten like high school rumours
love prominent in my veins like electricity in wires
and a hindrance of joy

but as it would seem
life isn’t at all simple
and you were the fuel on my drive to insanity

dusk and dawn
are closely connected
in the same way as the sun and the moon

they are like ships in the night
crossing paths but never intertwining
so closely related
yet so separate in turn

you and I
we’re not too different
from dusk and dawn
or the sun and the moon

perfectly compatible
only when in separate rooms

there’s no freedom in perfection
which is why we’re living in liberty

i guess in the end
we start thinking about
the beginning

when a flower is cut from its stem
it longs to remember the day it rooted itself

however at that time, on that day
that was the hardest thing the flower had ever had to do

flowers
they don’t chose
they are just born with this resilience

and as a result
they grow from the dirt they’re left in

so can you

As I sit on my bed
while the day eases from morning
into afternoon
I absorb the sunlight
like a flower who’s just found a window

I feel the clocks ticking
I see the sun turning
I know it won’t be long until
the sun falls out of the sky
and is replaced by the dimly lit moon

As the moon replaces the sun
the bitter cold replaces the warmth
although unlike a flower
I don’t chose what I absorb
I take in the sun and the snow
because I’m too naive
to know what is good for me

You took things that weren’t available to the general public
You had first pick on all the stock and new promotions
Everything you could possibly want and need at your finger tips
Even though you held this position with pride
You always kept the receipt
So that when your satisfaction wasn’t met
You could return all that you had taken
Even though you never gave anything for what you got
You would be rude and unfair about anything trying to help and give a sense of direction

I was Asda
And you were my least favourite
But most loyal customer

I wrote the pages of my diary on your skin
With every touch
you drew something from within
It isn’t much
to think you mean something to someone
until you realise
you never really meant anything at all

soon you’ll be another stranger with all my secrets

As we lay
Bellies full
Minds high
Eyes cracked
And my arm rests on you
I get lost in thinking about how
Metaphorically speaking my arm
Rested on your chest represents a
Portable radio on the kitchen side

Basically suggesting that although seemingly meaningless, the radio will make or break the contents of the kitchen
When positioned correctly, a lovely addition
When not there at all, empty looking

That’s when I realised, you are my peace
My mind is numbingly silent leaving
Me to think only about the strangest of things
I am my best version of myself
When laying calmly beside you
Caressing your body
Sending love through your veins
Like electricity through wires