lost in chaos
lost in space
lost in confusion
lost in your face

all i want is to only need you
but it seems i wasn’t built that way
when everything seems blue
it’s only you that can take it away

lay my head on the hay
lay my head on any other man
lay my spirit down
and my heart in your hands

you own me
without owning me
because it’s the ownership
that’ll take you away from me

i feel lost in the pieces of you that i adore
it’s like im consumed in the fact that
i am liable to hold onto things, and i’ll hoard you forever

you make me feel warm up and down the inside of my chest
when with you, i feel safe and secure and my mind is free to rest

i wish that i could love you
because you are more than i could have desired
but my heart is so tired
and i don’t want you to have any of me
if it isn’t the best of me

you are that *****
you are the girl that wakes up every morning and does everything for everyone
straightening their collars and wiping their tears making sure they’re good for the day

you are that *****
that checks everyone has eaten, bathed and has somewhere to sleep if they need
you put the pieces of people back together even when they thought it was broken

you are that *****
the ***** who warms peoples hearts with the coldest of conversations and topics
the one who makes us wish we could hate you because you’re such a ******* realist

you are the *****
who has no idea what she is capable of
you are that *****
that cannot see your worth in a telescope
you are the *****
that we need to give the boss *** back to

human beings are desperately destructive
and although i long for the honour of
being collateral damage
it just isn’t to you anymore

sometimes your heart will hurt
and you will have no idea why
but it’s not important why, it’s just you do everything you need to for yourself when it does

sometimes people will do really ****** things
for no reason at all
and it doesn’t matter how many time you explain your point of view, they will never let you feel like you’re right for feeling how you feel

people have no obligation to love you
and it hurts a lot when you first encounter this being acted out
but there’s many more of these scenarios to come, so plenty of time to get used to it

people just leave your life
sometimes they drift
and sometimes they up and go
but either way, if they’re not there they don’t deserve to be
and you’ll make it either way

the worst thing that can possibly happen in every situation, is that you die
and to be honest, do you think you know when you’re dead?
so every risk, is an opportunity
every boundary, is a point to be reached

live fiercely, because you only live for you

there’s comfort in the sadness
and there’s bliss in the madness
peace and serenity is all that i need

i think about you a lot
not just in the night when im alone
or on the bus on the way home from work
i think about you when i shouldn’t
when i should be thinking about him
or when i should have forgotten you

people that make impressions tend to leave impressions
where you make me remember you, you also make sure the patches of my skin that you caressed, could never forget you

your silky vibrant smile
lit up my world in ecstasy
your velvet flowy hair
completed the spaces between my fingers

sometimes you meet someone
and you’re really not sure why
other than to remember them
because their soul matched the beauty
that their face held
and what on gods green earth
is more precious than that

Self worth is knowing
History is not the rent people pay to remain in your life
Self worth is knowing
Toxic people don’t deserve you
Self worth is knowing
If they’re not helping you grow, they’re stunting you
Self worth is knowing
You’re better than situations that make you feel like you’re not worth it
Self worth is knowing
Your feelings are valid and true

Accepting self worth is
Believing and acting on all of the above

Only in the madness
do you realise the sadness
is a part of you
with it without it, life seems blue

Only in the mist of loving yourself
do you see the importance of your health
whether it’s physical or mental
always be gentle

Only in the uncontrollable frustration
do you forget about the causation
don’t get caught up in the displacement
the anger doesn’t pay rent

Only when you are satisfied
do you realise you could have died
your mental health isn’t a joke
and it’s not as replaceable as oak

i am growing a garden
i tell my therapist
one with no gates or guard
one where people can come and go as they please

a garden where love is no where to be seen
just over flowing with want and need
and people with no regards for others

a garden where solitude and sanity are things people prefer not to have
and everyone is tired and sad

a garden where the flowers are used to violation and disrespect
and it's all they've ever known

a garden that is actually not beautiful at all
it is used and abused
but still looks beautiful to everyone else

a garden that is my body
now do you see?

i am desperate to be loved
with no intention of loving

Why do you stay?
Why do you stay to hear the shakes in my breath at 4am, why do you pattern your fingertips so delicately around the dimples in my back as I literally attack you as if you are my demons in flesh and blood.
Why do you stay?
Through all of that why do you still want me to hug you to sleep, why do you want to laugh and joke with me on car journeys while we both recite all of the songs we’ve learnt over the past two years that we’re not bored of yet.

Not that I care why, but just that I don’t understand why you go about hurting yourself, for literally nothing.
Am I missing something?

And why
For the love of ******* god do you love to make me feel bad.
When I’m done crying and being an emotional wreck you’re there to cuddle me and put me back together as if you think I deserve it.
What the **** did I do to deserve this?
I didn’t ask for any of it and I sure as hell don’t want it.

Please care about someone that has it in them to care about you.
Because you deserve to be cared about properly.
And I am not that girl.
I wish I could let you love me,
But I can’t.
Because I’m not sure how to love you.

A feeling all too familiar, a feeling that follows me everywhere that I go
It shall not sleep nor shall it simmer, prominent until recognised

A feeling that shadows you, even in the morning light
It hates you as much as you hate it, which is why it has so much control over you

A feeling that makes you hate yourself, even though self love is your platform
It clouds your sense of reality, and takes over your fate

A feeling that ties you to the bed, even when you’ve got **** to do
It makes the thought of getting dressed, seem like a challenge similar to that of climbing Mount Everest

A feeling that wants to cuddle and comfort you, although that entails smoothering you until you feel like you can’t breathe
It will make you feel empty, until you are

A feeling that will steal your friends and family, even the way you see your life
It will try to predetermine your goals, and make you feel like you deserve nothing more

A feeling that, even at 11:11 is too loud to ignore
It can’t be turned off to wish for something different, the control runs deeper than that

A feeling you can see so familiar in someone else, and you try to intervene
It doesn’t matter though, because when it’s you you’re in it alone

A feeling of pure, total, shambolic misery.
It will not be ignored, it will not sleep

I’m not sure
if it’s dangerous
or beautiful
to love someone that could never love you

I guess it’s both
it’s beautiful because even when you have nothing, not even reason
and you feel like your hands are worn down to the bone
you still pour out all of the love
you think they deserve

It’s dangerous because you will give and give and give
until the only thing left to trade is your life
it has been diminished to be worth nothing more than a little love
for someone who is not even willing to give a little time

It’s more dangerous than it is beautiful
because you will actually consider
giving life for love

Do you know what it feels like
To feel so alone surrounded by people
Not just any people
People you love
People that are your family

Walking around and only hearing the solemn sound of your feet talking to you
Because no one else makes the effort
To say something as simple as hello

The loneliness is so intense
It is like you are literally invisible

The ugly truth that is coming home for nothing more than to wash, eat and sleep
But even when you don’t come home to do those things
No one bats an eyelid

Do you know what it feels like
To feel like a lodger in your own home

He's not you, no one is.
But I will still look for the pieces of myself that I lost in you,
in anyone who will give me so much as a chance.
Because there is no one who can fill the hole that you left in my soul,
there is no one that can make my chest feel less hollow
but there are so many people who can help me forget
and even more people willing to fill the space you left vacant on the left hand side of my bed.

He's not you
but when I needed you, you had gone
when all I needed was some loving
he was there and you wasn't.
No one will ever be able to take away what you gave to me.
You gave me the power to be a better person,
but I only ever wanted to be a better person for you
I only ever wanted to be this weak version of myself
if there was someone to hold me together when the glue comes unstuck.
And maybe that's unfair, and maybe that's selfish
that I genuinely needed your presence in my life to feel safe and to feel wanted.
But I only ever wanted it to be you.

He's not you
but he has that same effect on me that you did.
The power to make me feel like a person again,
the power to help me forget the shitstorm that is reality
and only focus on us and what we had in that second.
The difference is
he was just someone I went to bed with.
You were always there when I woke up.

He's not you
but he still breaks my heart just the same.
Although this time I don't even want him to, I still feel a slight tightening in my chest when he looks at me with the "I can't love you" look in his eyes.
You used to look at me with this pure "I can't love you" look in your eyes,
and when I'd look back at you and say "what baby?" with my eyes
you'd just say "well at least not now, not yet, not like this" just with a softly spoken moment of eye contact.
I'd just look into the distance and try and find faults because even when there was nothing perfect about us,
I'd still look at you with all the love in my eyes
I'd still tell everyone "it's nothing, she will come back".
And every time you did.
Every time I was right.
Only the last time you came back, you told me you were going for good.

He's not you
because to him I am just a ****
and I know that.
But to you I was something more
only I hope that.

He's not you
because we spend a lot of time together.
Whereas I hardly saw you.
I preferred that, I never told you
but I loved how we did things.
I loved that we didn't speak all the time,
and when we spent time together each others presence was enough .
I have never been so content with something as simple as a finger through my hair,
I have never looked at someone in such awe.

He's not you
because he doesn't have the power to break my heart.
And even if he did
he wouldn't.
Only you did,
and you did.

He's not you
because when I'm off my face at 3am
lonely, drunk and confused
he's there
and you're not

Hello
I have known you five minutes and you already trivalise sunsets because I would much rather stare at the chaotically confusing combustion of gorgeously warm orange and yellow tones that is you
Hello
I am already head over heels for the way my fingertips feel as they run across the so beautifully situated indentations in your silky soft cheeks
Hello
I already crave the homely feeling you bring to my heart when you're around, so delicately and innocently embracing everything I so hate about myself in the palm that is yours carelessly without an intention whatsoever
Hello
You are the kindest and sweetest soul I have ever come so near and so close to catching, so kind it has already revived things in myself I thought had died
Hello
When I am with you I feel the stars collide in my stomach, I feel like running through the rain and singing snow patrol if I just lay here, because there is no one I'd rather forget the world with
Hello
There are more things I enjoy about you, than there are stars in the night sky. I hope this sounds somewhat like a film, because that's what it feels like
Hello
I think about us a lot even though us doesn't really exist yet
Hello
I have never looked at anyone the way I look at you. My eyes lock onto you as if you are the most beautiful piece of art I have ever seen. Which is ironic, because I've always lacked the expected ability to appreciate the finest paintings in the finest galleries but somehow you are my Pablo Picasso and where ever we are together is our Tate Modern
Hello
I think you bring out the most beautiful poet I have hidden deep within, burried by years of melancholy and pent up anger. But when I met you that slowly subsided, as I was delicately filled with love and harmony
Hello
Please never leave me lingering in the unknown because you have made me weak.
Weak for the touch of your hand on my inner thigh as we drive
Weak for the sound of your heart agressively palpitating in my ear, distracting my only from the beauty that is you
Weak for the way you make me feel like I belong somewhere
Weak for the way you hold me close and make my problems feel as small as I am next to you
Weak for the way I already have so much to thank you for
Weak for the way you have been nothing but sweet, and I'm a sucker for cake
Hello
You are artwork and I could admire you forever
Hello
Please don't break my heart
Because you're the first person
To have the power to do so
And that is not how
I want this poem to end

somewhere in the delicately orchestrated seemily meanless phrase 'I love you' there is significance
well how do you expect anyone to find it when you spit it down the throat of every women who has ever made you feel good whilst simultaneously ******* her soul off her tongue young college boy
that is to say i've seen heartbreak i watched him shoot it, beat it and sure as hell defeat it
how can I say this so you will understand she hears your lies wrap around her ankles as she ties her laces
she feels your god dam carelessness rhythm in her ears as she plays piano
she sees the heart she wished you had beat venomously out of her chest as she says to the bar man 'on more on           him'

you loath in her finger tips desperately awaiting to be shaken
but there is nothing that can awaken what you've so shamelessly broken

the fragments of you still dust off of the shower curtain as she pulls it across so vigorously desperately trying to forget the first night you met

the pieces of you that were left behind make sure that you never leave her mind or even begin to find what could once be kind

she never believed the line she always doubted the love she said it was the way he finely dots his i's and crosses his t's
this is to say she knew that when you want to express love it really is no careful hand written letter it's a drunken night on a step when in the mist of the giggles you accidentally just amplify it as if it were so lost in the love

the deluded reality that is no longer you, how can it feel so far from true when you first touched me roses turned violet and the grass turned blue now when you touch me
i softly say
don't

what a shame it is indeed, the girl who believed in glitter and rainbows is now drowning in a sea of not so perfect love

that's the thing about love it's drawn as a beautiful ******* picture one you'd frame or hang on your wall but in reality love is what ***** the life from within you destroying your barely salvaged soul whilst watching you drive a pole into the hole

while this was supposed to be about the petals falling from roses as he withdraws his promise you always keep you close
it became a blood bath of my guts and honesty
that's the thing about love it makes you accidentally honest at the worst of times

The bags under her eyes
As dark as the lies
**** knows why she tries
Pregnant mums take crack
Desperately trying to get by
With their deadbeat highs
But when their dads take smack
And the rest of their family attack
Can you honestly say she's whack?
The truth is
She doesn't know if it's his
Because all of his mates
Use her for beat and ****
Take of the ******* cape
You're not Henry the IIIV
Just incase
You call her a basket case
Why don't you try and embrace
The ******* chase
In attempt to find happiness, in the race
Can you imagine the dark place
Her mind lays
Does she rest?
Please let her sacrifice the quest
Stop testing for the best
You're destroying the lack of culture
You're acting like vultures
Their lives have punctures
Where you've stolen all that means much
Can you blame her for that clutch
She has on her baby, who is Dutch
Lay her body to rest
When she fell
Not a chance in hell
I could break the spell
The maid rang the bell
But no one came out their shell
"Overdose round off episode two"
They grunted under their voice
Stop acting like you have no choice
Use that voice
And act like you give a ****
whether it a duck, buck or truck
You give it your best and chance your luck

You didn't love her** because if you did you would have cherished her like she was the most beautiful and rarest of flowers you'd ever seen. You would have looked at her each and everyday with the same shine in your eyes and love in your smile as the first time your eyes met.
You didn't love her because things like "you're my gem" and "I couldn't imagine a second with out you" should have just stumbled out from between your lips as you laid beside her. When she did her makeup a little different, you would have noticed.
You didn't love her because when she met you her eyes lit up and her hips swayed to the harmony your hearts made but a few months down the line her eyes were lifeless and she didn't feel pretty enough to sway her hips. When you met her, you nearly fooled everyone that you were serious about this one.
You didn't love her because you couldn't see she needed to be spoiled with attention, compliments, love, care and time but instead you spoiled her love filled heart.
You didn't love her because you don't destroy things you love. You don't give people you love a temporary false reality to fuel your needs. You would not have jumped all over flower beds just to see them die so why did you jump all over her fragile heart just to see it break?
You didn't love her, you just didn't want to be alone.

A sadness so heavy
It's worn like a winter coat
It makes your chest tight
Until feel like your dragging it along
Is this where it belongs?

It sits on your eyelids in the mornings
Desperately trying to cling them shut
Only to sit on the lashes later that night
To stretch them wide

It consumes your spirit
Until you feel like flesh an blood
As if your skeleton
Was eaten by your sadness
Making it nearly impossible to get out of bed

It clings to your finger tips
Making you shake constantly
As if you're anxious
Or fragile
But that only confuses them more

It lays on your appetite
Until you're running dry on energy
And no explanation
Because no one can see the demons
Dancing on your stomach lining

It re-wires your thoughts
Until you're no longer yourself
Making you think you're lost
And completely self absorbed
Into your own sorrow

It climbs into your skin
Making you itch like an addict
Feeling uncomfortable
And paraiod in the comfiest of places

It hides behind your eyes
No matter how good you are at hiding it
Regardless of how much you smile
It doesn't matter if you're bubbly
One look in your eyes
And the truth is told

Once you take your sadness somewhere
It embeds itself in the location
When you go back the demons
Will scream at you rhymically
As you drag yourself through the door
Like the church bells chiming on Sunday morning

The problem with sadness is
It becomes comfortable
Somehow it writes itself into your personality
It prints itself to your skin
And it clings on to you forever more

The depressive thoughts will stop
But the profuse shaking
Battle wounds
Bags under your eyes
The memories in your favourite places
The way you think
The foods you eat
And the weight on your shoulders
Become a part of you

Not only does the sadness follow you
you follow it

on the way
to find something to make me less empty
I passed a street sign
I ended up streets away
lost in the clouds
staring at the beautiful architecture
the art made me feel safe
I was kissing bottles
I was toking plants
but nothing make me more safe
than the architecture
which was you

I've done my fair bit
of ending up in the wrong place
making the wrong choice
but everything felt right,
even the sound of your voice
right there in that very wrong street
the street with the beautiful architecture
with the brown hair and eyes
the beating heart
how is it that
something so beautiful
would end up so brutal

my eyes are grey
my hair is a mess
and my heart barely beats
but I love you
and a stranger who felt like home
an anonymous street
which seemed so identified
why does everything seem so confined
why can't I leave it all behind

the problem is
I aimlessly try and fix things
but I can't untie the strings
the strings that cling
to our empty flings
in the cold and brutal springs
that bring the birds to sing
at the same time as breaking their wings

i drank so much alcohol i forgot where i was
but i couldn't forget where i wanted to be