It's that numb kind of sad.
The one that doesn't let you cry.
It wallows in your heart,
And withers your hope like dead trees

It's that crazy kind of sad.
The kind you can't escape.
No matter how hard you try.
It consumes your mind.
Causing insanity to arise.

It's that deep kind of sad.
That carves wounds into your chest,
And has you gasping for air.
Turning your stomach.
Making you shake.

It's the worst kind of sad.
It never waits.
Fast like poison.
Infects you in the worst ways.

Fist to the wall.
I had to fall.
I couldn't withstand the wounds
It could of killed me every moon
The thought of you walking out that door.
My body lost balance, hit the floor.
How dare you walk away?
All I needed you to ******* do was stay.
But you always wanted to play
Now you need to pay.
Gun in my hand, hurt in my heart.
This is an awful way to start.
I needed you to see.
That there was nothing more to me.
Then you.

And when you raise that bottle to your worn, warped lips.
Do you see me?
And when your so ******* drunk you stumble and crumble to the floor.
Stop.
Do you see me?
When your vision blurs and your brain abducts your memories.
Do you still ******* see me?
At the end of the hallway scared half to death.
Blanket griped in my hand, tear filled eyes.
Do you see me there.
Do you see me through my heart break, Do you see me grow up and graduate, start smoking working a ******* minimum wage job trying to get my **** together when in reality I am falling apart because of you.
Do you ******* see
That the damage you do to yourself is damaging me.
All that poison that you inject into your blood stream turns into a tornado, breaking doors and beating wives. Your own flesh and blood becoming so ******* disgusted. They can't even look you in the eye?
You know who you don't see anymore
Do you know?
Under all that memory loss, Do you ******* remember?
You won't see, Oh you will not ******* see.
Me.

And when that blade hits my soft skin.
Are when the tears from my eyes stop falling.
The screams from my lungs come to a silence.
My steady heartbeat comes to a slow halt.

Tell everyone its not their fault.
I loved them more then they could ever know.
Tell them that my head did it.
That it was all ****** up on the inside.
Yell to them that I had lost to myself.
And that it was okay.

And at my funeral.
Don't let people hate me for this.
or feel sorry.
I made this choice to leave.
Not for the selfishness that everyone thinks.
I walked away from the pain.
The pain within myself and the pain that I inflicted on others.
From the pain of the world and every sad set of eyes in it.

I suppose there is always the "brighter side" but what if it was all a lie?
Simple words to make people feel secure.
Everything is repetitive and you will do everything you hate.
Until the things that surround you drain you.
And you slowly but surely die.

I broke the mold.
I didn't want the things I hated make me die.
I didn't want to rot away.
I wanted to explode like a dying star.

So with you I leave my last and final wish.
If you happen to have something.
That makes your heart fill with light.
Never let it go and if you have no choice.
Don't let the aftermath consume you.
Nip it at the bud.

Whispering noise in my ears
Like little kisses on my forehead
Comforting and addicting
Wrap my cigarette around my lips
Inhale my toxic waste
I am your wonderland
I want to taste you
Sweet like honeysuckle
Bodies rocking
Beds breaking
Obliterating reality into euphoria
Traveling through time and space
Colors moving rapidly
At two a.m. In your bedroom
Undercover
Locked doors

just a leaf left
on the pillow next to me
now, a whisper of smoke
vapor tracing your path

out the door
going back to the
limb I stole you from,
the place you must return

I rake my bed for more,
try to make
a place
for you to fall

again, next time.

Alices in holes,
swaying in the
land of mirrored
doors. Stiffed
Humpties on walls,
in the distant light.

Dumped my faith,
once, twice, three times
dumped it.  So, you see,
chopped my own heart,
had to.
Will you have me
around your table,
Mad Hatter, sir,
'cause i'd suit so well,
into a merry go-round.

No more me to
hand out, delusional
believer in stories,
made up stories
in snow faked globes.

Oh yes, of course,
i can pass the sugar,
we ran out of salt.
Shall we overdose now,
from a sweetened slumber?