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oh dear valentines... you've come so fast
i come without a lover this time
...no candy hearts or big teddy bears
my hearts be come so brittle as stone when it comes to letting you go...
..and as i walk down aisles and aisles of chocolate hearts
suited with a bow or two i can only think of you my love
yet you are a lost cause....
in reality there is no hope for us the possibility of you and me are so slim...
when you pass me by the side walk,
do you ever think of us,....being more than friends?
i just have to know... could this be more than just another crush?
if only..
my head is jammed with voices telling me its no good..
..is it
without you there would be no one to impress.
God im desperate
i cant do this without you
and without YOU, im not ME
see, i feel alone,
like a lost sheep
like im loosing everything
that im striving to keep
.....deep down knowing that this isnt me
because see
i know who I AM
....I AM an ambassador of Christ.
right?
dont say i dont know who i am
when YOU ........ dont know who i am
this being the first time in my life acturally finding my identity
you lurk around me criticizing my every wrong doing
but see....what you dont understand
is I AM ......me
im not YOU, i never will be
yes stop telling me others are on your side
when you dont know how much ive cried
stop sugaring up your story
******* stop.... im so tierd of you telling me how i should do things
how i should live my life
im so **** tierd of you spreading rumors
what are you trying to prove?
Why do you act like nothing is wrong
if it hurts you so ******* much then
why dont you try listening to me for once!
and stop twisting my words up
telling me its my fault
i hate this...
scars on my face,
my voice was never heard...it was stolen  by you...
how could you hurt me like this?
i thought you said i was yours....what happened to me being your everything?
remember when all we had to do was gaze into each others eyes
and everything was right....
how could you forget?, i remember......
you tricked me, from the very beginning,
so this is it, say goodbye babe,
cause im never gonna have one doubting thought about leaving you...
Love is hard to give you...
your constant expecting something from me is
breaking me down....its not far tell all is shattered in me..
Its not far until i finally,
cant take it anymore..
..your standards are over my head...
im always doing something wrong...
consequence is always right in front of me..
one after another you wait until theirs something to accuse me of,
it hurts...
yet i still make it right every time...
but then before i know it, your bickering about something else ive done...
but i hide my tears from you...
and it bottles up..
it gets harder and harder to not blow up in front of you..
but in the mist of your bickering i explode...
i burst into tears knowing i cant hold back and hide my pain from you anymore..
my bottle poors out,
and my anger and recklessness rise to the surface of my tung,
and before im able to stop myself,
i realize youve already walked out...
.....im sorry..im so sorry....
shes out the door...and there i fall my head in my hands...
what have i done...?
You close your eyes
Stuck in position,
You’ve been walken on this timeline for years…
...open conviction!
Feeling torn and broken
never feel important enough to step up,
so instead your insecure
and step down.
you Go to the wrong things to ease your pain,
using it like a crutch.
Unconditional love,
got you locked out of His focus.
ONCE its over
just something else starts!
You think you’ve got it all figured out!
But you don’t!
you have hopes for useless dreams…
..dreams of worship and song,
you don’t think you can acturally achieve that do you?
….your father never did
Your not smart, you barly pass school…
your just a mediocre singer…
remember when you drowned in your own self pity
and drank down the liqur you stole?
You cant even control your own temper,
you cheater, you thief!
You call yourself a Christian?
Please your nothing better than a lost sheep….
…..to bad the person im talking about is really
..ME.
felt super bad about myself today...
Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for?
Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?
When they know they're your heart
And you know you were their armour
And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm her
But what happens when karma, turns right around and bites you?
And everything you stand for, turns on you to spite you?
What happens when you become the main source of her pain?
"Daddy look what I made", Dad's gotta go catch a plane
"Daddy where's Mommy? I can't find Mommy where is she?"
I don't know go play Hailie, baby, your Daddy's busy
Daddy's writing a song, this song ain't gonna write itself
I'll give you one underdog then you gotta swing by yourself
Then turn right around in that song and tell her you love her
And put hands on her mother, who's a spitting image of her
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back
I keep having this dream, I'm pushin'my daughter on the swing
She keeps screaming, she don't want me to sing
"You're making Mommy cry, why? Why is Mommy crying?"
Baby, Daddy ain't leaving no more, "Daddy you're lying
"You always say that, you always say this is the last time
"But you ain't leaving no more, Daddy you're mine"
She's piling boxes in front of the door trying to block it
"Daddy please, Daddy don't leave, Daddy - no stop it!"
Goes in her pocket, pulls out a tiny necklace locket
It's got a picture, "this'll keep you safe Daddy, take it withcha'"
I look up, it's just me standing in the mirror
These ******' walls must be talking, cuz man I can hear 'em
They're saying "You've got one more chance to do right" - and it's tonight
Now go out there and show that you love 'em before it's too late
And just as I go to walk out of my bedroom door
It turns to a stage, they're gone, and this spotlight is on


Sixty thousand people, all jumping out their seat
The curtain closes, they're throwing roses at my feet
I take a bow and thank you all for coming out
They're screaming so loud, I take one last look at the crowd
I glance down, I don't believe what I'm seeing
"Daddy it's me, help Mommy, her wrists are bleeding,"
But baby we're in Sweden, how did you get to Sweden?
"I followed you Daddy, you told me that you weren't leavin'
"You lied to me Dad, and now you make Mommy sad
"And I bought you this coin, it says 'Number One Dad'
"That's all I wanted, I just want to give you this coin
"I get the point - fine, me and Mommy are going"
"But baby wait,
"It's too late Dad, you made the choice
"Now go out there and show 'em that you love 'em more than us"
That's what they want, they want you Marshall, they keep.. screamin' your name
It's no wonder you can't go to sleep, just take another pill
Yeah, I bet you will. You rap about it, yeah, word, k-keep it real
I hear applause, all this time I couldn't see
How could it be, that the curtain is closing on me
I turn around, find a gun on the ground, **** it
Put it to my brain and scream "die Shady" and pop it
The sky darkens, my life flashes, the plane that I was supposed to be on crashes and burns to ashes
That's when I wake up, alarm clock's ringin', there's birds singin'
It's spring and Hailie's outside swinging, I walk right up to Kim and kiss her
Tell her I miss her, Hailie just smiles and winks at her little sister
Almost as if to say..
a song by Eminem... i can relate to the daughter i guess
Covered in oil cause he drenched him self in superficial pride last night...
He took her far, Wrestling through her baby blue sheets, till morning he wouldent let her go...
He abused her for her crys for help.
But this was all shes ever been shown...
Never felt love, only the pain of him pushing into her...
When will she let go?
When will she give up?
Look at me, dad.
I'm finally breaking down...
I'm finally crying...
Is that what you wanted?
I can hear you now..
"You are very important to me... I'm so proud of you!"
Then you turn right around and tell me you're not coming...
"But dad! You promised me..! You told me that you weren't leaving!."
"I'm sorry grace dads got work to do. Dads gotta be at church in five minutes"
I've learned that sometimes you have to walk through life alone...
Sometimes I wish I would have never met you.. So I wouldn't have to feel the pain of you leaving.
God you say you're there for me...
Where the **** are you in this....
When was the last time you answered even one of my prayers?
I guess this Jesus thing works for some people but to me it just seems like I'm hoping in something hopeless...
Dad where are you.....
You lied to me dad... You told me you'd be there for me... YOU PROMISED ME!!!!!
And now these tears have reached my throat..
But you don't care...
"Grace I care! I really do"
******* at least tell the truth..
I hate this.
Where
Do
I
Turn
Now?
Will
You
Ever
Trust me?........
Will
You
Ever
Stop
Using
Our
Relationship
As a joke?
Where
Do
I
Turn?
you break down my soul into a million pieces,
and my insecurity shows...
i run away,
searching for something more,
striving for release,
....god where are you?
she digs deep in my pain,
and she stabs me with her pride.
i tryed showing respect, but
i guess you dont understand grace...
All you wanna do,
is twist my words up....
im all alone in my bed room....
and anger rises in me,
fear rises in me...
i start throwing things,
making a reck of things out of my
pain..
........i needed you then....
Hey you, yeah you its me, remember me?
the one you used to call your best friend, or at least it seemed.
whats going on with you?
cause somethings diffrent and i can feel it comming out of you...
Lord help her.
to you whats more important?
i can feel the anger in you rising up so high its about to burst out and come out smokin...
i can see all your old prioritys beginning to be shifted and the important ones all driftin..
**** girl where you goin!?
using all these temporary things to kick depression out the door.
trying to send it on its way
just dust it of your shoulder
knowing there is only one way
to keep it from getting any colder.
see you know its true.
and i think you know your running from the truth.
cause you're scared that deaths gonna catch up to you.
Lord i dont know what to do.
help me.
i need you.
yeah your scared you've abused your mind with very dark things.
and you've been showed some very hard things that have taken you places you didn't want to making it scar you.
every body goes through stuff
but you tend to dwell in it
but you've gone further and you've grown up taller
your finally seeing the world in a new order.
BAM then you get hit again falling flat on your face in disgrace
and all you can do is stand there while people humiliate you.
so your back into these temporary fixes again.
come on grace wheres your head at?
I just want to be with you daddy
I wish they would understand
I wish they could see who I really am, and not as the person they think I am
Please just come and take me with you!!
Please! ..... Dad please
Mom won't even listen to me anymore!!
She doesn't even care to hear.
I'm not the person everyone is setting me out to be
I'm not my past mistakes...
Your the only one who understands ME!
AND SHE TOOK YOU AWAY!
She robbed me of the time that we could have had.
It's amazing how you can be surrounded an still feel alone....
I remember the first night how it felt when all of a sudden you werent iny life....... I remember HATING God for "letting her push you away" I remember when all of a sudden you wernt there to sing me lulabys, when the books you used to spend hours reading to me had been torn and ripped up from throwing them against the wall.
I remember waking up screaming your name..
Yet no I only wish for you here with me
Just to be where you are
Your the only one who actually listens to me in my family.
Without cheaking your phone while I speak.
I just wish you were here
I'm so lonely
your actions dont match what you preach
in fact its the ******* opposite....
where is this "love" you constantly talk about?
where is the "grace" you say we are suppose to show?
you wonder why were not like a family?....because of hurtful words like those...
you play your act well up front but behind the scenes you falsely accuse others..
yet your a leader in church?
you speak of love and hope yet you show others no grace!
you tell others to be kind and gentle yet you shove darts by my ears and hold me by my throat
who are you to judge?
who are you to be a leader?
this is why i go to judah praise... this is why i struggle going back every time... this is why its hard to get involved because everytime i try they dont need me, why? because im just some messed up teenager.
stop thinking of me like that!
stop putting these labels on me, it hurts!
and STOP EXPECTING ME TO MESS UP!
i thought this was a hopspital for the sinners... not a party for the saints?
God....
i dont wanna play church anymore!
i am serious about my passion for god! but stop pushing me aside.... telling me im worthless...
you do so much to just get the show ready your forgetting that gods not in the picture its you controling it.... dont you realize worship is more than just reading a sheet of music?
dont you see?
you spend so much time practicing and practicing, its just to performance oriented for me..
it may work for some but not for me... i just want to be FREE! is that so much to ask? is anyone just FREE anymore??
i dont see it... not here..
who are you to bash my fathers name!
you dont even know him! all you know of him is what you think you know and what you go on gossiping to others after service!
you dont know what my fathers been through!
hes the only one who still keeps me going!
hes the only one who understands me and will acturally listen to me!
do you not understand that?
why does this happen in church?
still christian but church bothers me. not really poetry
How come so many are ignored?
How is it that so many are pushed aside like their animals...
Why are certain people not allowed in your life?
It's *******..
You shouldn't cast out others because they look different...
You shouldn't ignore them just cause they don't have perfect skin or don't have the newest cloths,
.... Just cause they have hard situations pulling on their life...
I bet you don't face abuse every time you go home... Give her some grace!
Isn't that what lifes about?...
It's wrong... It's so wrong...
even though i try to play it off...
acting like im happy
when i cant even look at myself
without taking the mirror
and throwing it across the room
i dont know what to do anymore...
feeling like im only sinning, anymore
im doing whatever i can do, to do the right thing...
yet i feel like no matter what i do
im running from you.....
no matter where i turn
its never right....
like i cant get out of this pit of failure ive crawled into
God why!!!
....why now?
looking down deep into the floor
i feel the stinging bite of my shame and guilt
her threating words
play over
...and over in my head
my eyes searching for some good reason for this...
there is none
you brought up my past,
to use as your own filthy defense...
you point out me weaknesses and empower me with the things i do not know
so YOU can be lifted up by others, and feel the joy of watching me suffer..
ZAM!!
another stinging shock goes through my body,
slowly killing me with every ******* word you say
can you say, you really dont realize the pain thats shooting through my veins,
pounding at my chest, bringing me to the floor....
i see my pain,
i see yours...
****...why you?
i see your lieing eyes, you whisper in my ears, that you've got me i your chains...how did i get here? im so blinded by the roads Ive taken.. searching for an identity in all the wrong places. now i caught myself only caring about being in the hype and only wanna live up my life with foolish idols that never fill just leave you emptier.  but im wide awake now, no more turning back, im not running anymore, time to face my new life. To much of this life was wasted on foolish things....im wide awake now..
The cold has moved in, uninvited..
yet not swallowed us completely..
crackling branches under my feet,
scratches from the vicious Turin
that disturb the un-rushed few..
alone.
i feel alone.
i feel frightened and scared without him...
unless im with him i feel haunted like im in a dream...
without him.....
i dont know what to do...
i dont ever feel myself without him..
i need him here
i miss him
with everything i am i mean it when i say he is all ive ever wanted...
where are you?
do i even matter?
do you even care to care?
DOES ANYONE CARE THAT IM HURT TOO?
please..
i dont want to always be the only one caring!
DAD?!?!?!
Come on dad, please where are you?
i havent seen you in months...
i mean really seen you.
i miss you....
and i guess i just wish youd miss me..
i wish youd call me a million times just hoping that i would answer..
i wish you were dieing to hear me sing...
i wish you would just once drop everything for me...just to see me.
i wish it wasent the other way around.
you dont care.
and even if you say you do, i know you well enough to know that you dont.
without you dad i cant live!
i cant even speak!
but for you without me?
you just go on with everything...
everything...but me.
You reach a point in your life when you realize
who really matters,
who never did,
and who always will.
dont worry about them worry about yourself.
some people really need to hold back there opinions...
nobody's perfect
and i dont know why you expect them to be....
people are gonna have flaws
and so do you so why point them out?
It's sad how the people you were once so close with can become just another stranger you don't know.
I love you, but Should hate you. I miss you, but I'm better off without you. I want you out of my life, but I never want to let you go.
Have you ever Felt so afraid,
That you can't ever stand being alone?
Have you ever felt so abandoned that the circumstances in your life didn't matter cause you would be depressed whether they were good or bad?
Have you ever been so used to feeling alone that you would choose to be by yourself besides hanging out with your friends.
You'd rather sink into the floor then walk amoung the halls of your own home.
Have you ever been so bullied so much that the words almost just become numb to you and you can barley feel the stab at your soul anymore because of it.... Intact  to you peoples hurtful words are a distraction from everything else going on in the world that's so painful.
Have you ever felt so stuck to the point where you turn to drugs orlook to the end of your drink to try and find the answer to all your questions?
Feeling so disconnected from everyone cause of all your past mistakes....
It's nothing new for you.
Then the people around you treat you like an object that needs to be fixed... Like they know exactly what you need only causing you to fall deeper and deeper into depression like there's no way out.
Feeling like your just a project....
Or that one friend that no body wants around cause you always need somebody to just vent to, never getting a chance.
People call you attention starved but it's only cause your always alone...
I know how that feels.
Your not a project.
Your not stuck you can move forward.
Your not attention starved... Anybody would do the same if they had to go through what you did.
You are you and that's perfection
After all those years, hiding my face from you,
...judging others,
bashing your character,
and letting sin drive my life...
putting my love from music and singing worship for you behind me...
After giving up on you....
all it took was one encounter from you god
to drop to my knees and relize what a deep lie i was living in...
that ive been a slave to sin for far to long...
that maybe ive forgotten who the grace God created me
to be and turned my life into *******...
the worst part is i became so blind for so long that i didnt recognize the Me ,
that God created me to be...
so i said God, after all the years i gave up on you,
and hid my heart from you,...
have you lost hope in me?...
God, oh God
is there anything you can do?...
He said,
all the times you bashed my name and gave up on me,
* I NEVER GAVE UP ON YOU!*
i love you the same as i always have...
and my joy was overwhelmed when you came back...
All the times you slipped up,
all the times youve turned your face from me,
i will never hide my face from you
... now its time, i can finally finish my work in you...
God will never turn his his face from me, no matter how many times **I** have given up on him and no matter how many times i turned and hid my face from him...
if you dont mind babe, let me sort my thoughts out...
the first time i saw you i knew i wanted you.
by the way you where looking at me from across the room
and by the way your body was moving i could tell you where trying to test me.
but boy come on dont test me... cause
****....
with all this attention your giving you're making it hard to fight this feeling..
see, i want this but babe i swear i know how this will turn out.
you want loyalty but you cant give it.
you think you play it well but we all see you wanna hit it and only hit it.
Do you remember the day you left her cause of her tears?
Remember when you helped another, yet ignored her pain?..
When you made time for guys but not for her?
When she hurt herself cause you were always the one she looked to, but you turned your eyes from her?
Then she cried gor help,
And her cloths were ripped and *****,
Her face with sores,
And her hair begin to fall out...
... You remember that don't you?
You remember you got the phone call from the police
Saying she commit suicide?
And when they planned the funeral, that you werent invited to?
... It's funny when people die, you start paying attention...
Do you remember, do you?
Do you remember when you hadn't slept for days because of the pain your friends caused you when they left?...
Remember when you felt what she felt?....
But it was to late...
You remember that don't you?
Why am I so angry?......
What the **** do you think your doing?!
Take your eyes off of your phone for two seconds and take a look around you... Take your focus off the church for one minute and look at the people around you....
Your gaining all the wrong people and pushing away the ones that have always been for you....
I guess that's why I'm so angry..
I got a txt from you today:
"I really do care about your life grace.  Just Don't leave me in the dust" - Dad
Don't leave me in the dust????
ARE YOU ******* KIDDING ME?!?!
Yeah sure your one to talk dad....
"I don't just push people away for no reason"- Grace
Your a ******* joke.
C'mon dad werent you the one that taught me to be there for eachother??
I'm so tired of being the only one that's there for somebody in this relationship...
Going to all your shows, even your practices ... ****
You can't even come to one ******* SHOW!!! You never came to one swim meet..
Not one dance recital...
Not one talent show....
Not one...
Then you have the nerve to tell me not to leave you in the dust???!!!!!
I can't even believe you...
You were there before but now your given up before you even have the chance to try....
No dad you left me in the dust along time ago... And I was the ONE person that stood there with you through it all!!! I was there when everyone turned against you... I agreed with you when everyone else found reasons to disagree...
ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO BE LIKE YOU, DAD!!!!
....but now?
******* I'm not so sure......
I always stood next to you...
No matter how much you never came through...
But now?
I'm so gone.
Lost are saved,
Find their way,
At the sound,
of your Great Name
The enemy has to leave,
At the sound
of your great name,
Fear has no place in my heart,
at the sound,
of Your Great Name
-Jesus Culture

— The End —